individual souls

This world in which we live is a lot to handle. There are hurting people every way we turn.

I have seen them, held them.. children with no parents. orphans.

I have touched them, fed them.. families with empty bellies and empty fridges. hungry.

I have heard them, listened to them.. people in physical pain. hurting.

I have rocked them, held their hand.. the broken hearted. broken.

I have seen them, known them, wept with them, loved them.. those whos only hope is Jesus.

It is not easy, to see what we see, to know what we know, to feel the hurt of the world closing in on us from all sides. It is a daily battle [that I sometimes lose] for me not to become calloused and hardened and indifferent to the worries of the world. It's easy for me to lump everyone into a category.. orphans, homeless, poor, lost. And when people are in a category with a label, I don't find their situations nearly as infuriating. When people are grouped by their situation, the situation becomes my focus instead of the people who are caught in it. Dangerous.

I have to make a conscious effort.. I think we all do, to break it down. To single out a face with a name and maybe a freckle or two and take them out of their category and see them as an individual. Labels and categories do nothing to my heart.. faces with names weigh heavy.

The world is not made up of a huge heap of hurt, it is filled with individual people with individual hearts that all hurt in different ways and at different times but break equally as painfully and need Christ equally as much.

God, teach us all what it means to love the people around us as individual souls rather than just as the human race.

is God still good?

Give thanks to the Lord, for HE IS GOOD. His love endures forever. -Psalm 136:1
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. -Deuteronomy 32:4
And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the GOOD of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

I know these scriptures, and I know they are true. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that by His nature, He cannot be anything other than good, because He IS good. And on a sunshiney day, that's not hard for me, or any Believer, to profess. But what about when it gets a little cloudier?

I was recently reading "Fearless" by Max Lucado and the following passage caught my eye and heart. And it made me chuckle.

"If only we could order life the way we order gourmet coffee. Wouldn't you love to mix and match the ingredients of your future?

'Give me a tall, extra-hot cup of adventure, cut the dangers,with two shots of good health.'

'A decaf brew of longevity, please, with a sprinkle of fertility. Go heavy on the agility and cut the disability.'

'I'll have a pleasure mocha with extra stirrings of indulgence. Make sure it's consequence free.'
'I'll go with a grande happy-latte, with a dollop of love, sprinkled with Caribbean retirement.'
Take me to that coffee shop. Too bad it doesn't exist. Truth is, life often hands us a concoction entirely different from the one we requested. Ever feel as though the barista-from-above called your name and handed you a cup of unwanted stress?
'Joe Jones, enjoy your early retirement. Looks as if it comes with marital problems and inflation.'
'Mary Adams, you wanted four years of university education, then kids. You'll be having kids first. Congratulations on your pregnancy.'
'A hot cup of job transfer six months before your daughter's graduation, Susie. Would you like some patience with that?'"

The reality is, the majority of the time life does hand us something we aren't expecting. Sometimes the change is more drastic and heartbreaking than others. Maybe it is a job that fell through. Or you were planning a wedding and now you're not. Or you thought you had one last Christmas with someone you love, and then they died. Or you thought it would never happen to you, and now you have cancer. Or maybe, you watched the news in horror as we all learned about young and innocent lives being stolen this past Friday.

Sometimes what life gives us is unthinkable, unimaginable. Gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, can't-sleep-can't-eat-can't-breathe kind of stuff. Then can we stand and confidently say "My God is good."? Because this is when it counts. This is when those who don't know Christ look to us and wait to see how we will respond. This is when it matters most. When we are broken and things are not as they seemed and we are disappointed and life as we know it is falling apart, then can we declare the goodness of our God?

I posted this a while ago, but I want to reshare a story I read in "Erasing Hell" by Francis Chan.

"Years ago, I came across an article entitled, 'Two Minutes to Eternity' by Marshall Shelley, one of the editors of Christianity Today at the time. In the article, Marshall tells the story of the miraculous birth of his son. When the child was in the womb, Marshall and his wife, Susan, found out that their child had an abnormal heart and would probably not survive the birth, if he even made it that far. And so the Shelleys wrestled with God. 'This was a design flaw,' Marshall writes, 'and the Designer was responsible.' So they prayed. They prayed for a miracle, they prayed for survival, they prayed that the God of all creation would give the child the breath of life.

Then the day of birth came, and the child was still alive. The child had survived the pregnancy! God is so good! As the child was born, Marshall looked upon his beautiful son: 'He was a healthy pink, and we saw his chest rise and fall. The breath of life. Thank you God.'

And then the child died. Two minutes later, their son turned from pink to blue, and he died. The miracle of life was followed by the mystery of death. And as far as the Shelleys were concerned, the Designer was responsible. When the nurse asked the Shelleys if they had a name for the child, Susan responded: 'Toby. It's short for a biblical name, Tobiah, which means 'God is good.''

God is good.

God is good? How could they say that? How could they believe such an unbelievable attribute of God, when everything in that moment seemed to be proving the opposite? Because the Shelleys believed that God is good not only when He makes sense to us, but even when He doesn't. God is good, because God is God. Goodness is inherent in who He is. And the Shelleys believed this. 'The name was what we believed, not what we felt,' Marshall writes. 'It was what we wanted to feel again someday.'

And so, brothers and sisters, it is times like these that we must declare to each other and to the world, God is good. He has not forgotten us. He has not forsaken us. He is faithful, and He is good.

why keep loving?

I guess for me it started after high school. Graduation came, and then all the people I thought I couldn't live without dispersed to various colleges or jobs over the south. The people I had spent the last 4 years getting to know and growing to love, left. Then I moved to Chattanooga, only for a semester. I spent several months getting to know people, and then I left. I moved to Knoxville and really got involved at school and church. At UT, I spent day after day in nursing classes and clinicals with girls who I grew to love like sisters. We went through what, at the time, really felt like the hardest years of our lives together, and we carried each other through it. I dug in to a college ministry where people older than me mentored me, and people younger than me looked up to me, and we made mistakes and we succeeded and we ran some and we sat some. We did life together, through the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. We loved Jesus together, and we loved each other. And then, graduation came, and everyone I had spent the last 4 years pouring into and letting in dispersed to do life all over the world [from Knoxville to Texas to Florida to Montana to London to 13 country races to Haiti and on and on], including myself. So then I found myself in Haiti, loving with everything I had on a bus full of ladies and a house full of kids and a family that I never knew I had. And after 9 months God directed me home, so I left, and said goodbye, again.

Over and over, the same thing seems to happen. Say hello, love with your whole heart, then say goodbye, and a part of you gets left behind. So now here I am, in a new town with new people and a new job, and I find God giving me opportunities one after another to dig in, to pour out, and to love. And what I feel inside is my heart pumping the breaks, wanting to rebel against the possibility and inevitable outcome of leaving again at some point, wanting to avoid the hurt that comes with it. I feel my soul starting to panic and the sadness of missing everyone who has ever come and gone begins to cloud my mind and impair my ability to love well.

And isn't that how it will always be? Won't we always leave, or they will, whether by choice or by chance. So what are we to do? Stop loving? By no means. When I feel that panic rising in me, I look back. I take time to sit and think about my life, about who I was and who I am and who I am working to become. And it's only when I let myself embrace the hurt of missing people that I realize parts of my life that are different because of the time I spent knowing them. I am a changed person, ever changing, because of the people who have come in and out of my life. They, you, have made me who I am.

My parents have always been big on the video camera. They video taped every birthday, Christmas, Easter, school play, piano recital, and a million other things from our childhoods. We had all the tapes coped to DVDs, and now we have them filed away in order in a safe place because they are priceless. Every so often we get the urge to pull them out and put them in, and me and by siblings will sit for hours watching ourselves grow up. You would think videos of the big days, the main events, would be the ones we enjoy the most. But they aren't. The discs labeled "every day play" or "snow day" or "playing outside", those are the favorites. The glimpses of our everyday, ordinary lives where nothing spectacular was happening and no major life changes were taking place, where we were just kids doing day to day things and figuring it all out as we went, those are our favorite tapes.

Sometimes we want to look at life and measure it according to the "big" moments. The milestones or highlights so to speak. But when I look back at where I've come from I find that the in between times and the relationships along the way are what has made me who I am. The ordinary days, the times where I was just living... those are the times that shaped me most.

So what choice do we have but to keep on living, and keep on loving, and keep on with the day to day to day, so that one day we can look back and see how these ordinary days changed us.

this heavy sadness

Every so often, I feel it coming. It's like this dark cloud that I can see a mile off and I know it's headed in my direction, but I have yet to figure out how to redirect it's path or destroy it altogether, so I do things like watch a movie, pinterest, watch Grey's Anatomy reruns, sew, or make Halloween decorations to busy my hands and my mind. But it doesn't stop the cloud... it just postpones it. Until I've run out of things to do.

And then, it engulfs me. I can never quite figure out what it is that has me in such a tizzy, but it is heavy and it is sad. It's like a sadness in my soul that creeps in and breeds despair. It starts with things in my life... relationships or old ones or new ones, future plans, past plans that never happened or are long gone, memories that are so sweet it hurts to think of them... people I love so much that might as well be a million miles away. And then it spreads into the world. The kids in the inner cities of America going to sleep hungry, or working street corners to provide for their siblings [and in some cases, parents]. Old people dying in nursing homes where people have completely forgotten they exist. Wives waiting up and crying themselves to sleep over the reality that their husbands are unfaithful. Homeless men gathered around a trash can warming their hands and sharing stories. Orphans all around the world with no parents to love them as individual masterpieces of God's creation. And I can't sleep and I'm not hungry and I don't want to sew or paint or write, and I don't want to even breathe because the sadness is pressing on my chest.

So I try things to make it go away... I pray and I read my Word and I beg God to take it, or show me why it's here. I think about all the people I love and I thank God for them. I cry. And I laugh. And I just sit in it and muddle. And that is where God meets me. And He tells me that this, this is what it's about. This being broken hearted for people who are suffering, even when you can't physically see them or hear their cries. This is what living is about. This is what being part of the family of Jesus Christ is about. He weeps for these people too. He weeps for me.

And  this is what is supposed to happen when I love my Lord and liken myself to His heart, I will be heartbroken for the same reasons He is. It's not meant to be something I can push away and put in a box and compartmentalize like the rest of my life. It is meant to overwhelm me and be inescapable. So I let it be, for a night. And I sit and cry until I fall asleep. And then when I wake up in the morning, it's a new day. And I'm always ready to face it head on and get my hands dirty and love until it hurts. So, thats what I do.

"...weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Psalm 30:5

 

Oh yea, and this is what Delilah thinks of me trying to distract myself by reading a children's story:

not on her watch, basically.

 



frozen by fear

Pretty frequently people ask me, "Why do you blog?" And I usually shrug and reply... "Um, because I like to?" And thats that. But lately I've been thinking a lot about what makes me do what I do. Why do I journal? Why do I read? Why do I feel the need to draw the hurt out of people? Why do I find such joy in the moments when close friends [or sometimes complete strangers] unload their burden on me and let me carry some for a while? What motive fuels my actions? What makes me the way I am?

Big questions, that will take a lifetime to answer.

I want to be SIGNIFICANT. I want to change things and change people. I want to dream big and help other people dream bigger and then accomplish those goals. I want to glorify God. I want to create new things and feel new things and BE something. I want to be someone that makes an impression on people... that sparks a desire deep in their hearts to be more than they are. I want to show people they are important, and they are worth it. I want to teach kids that they are beautiful and amazing, no matter who they are, and they can do anything in this world that they want. I want to tell every high school freshmen to remember that high school won't last forever. I want to tell every college student in their last year that the world is HARD, and they really need to get ready for life to change, but that if we don't change we cannot grow. I want to hug the neck of every ran-ragged mama who is doing her best to raise rugrats and tell her she's doing great... that as long as she LOVES them, they will be fine. I want to squeeze the hands of every old person on their death bed who is wondering if their life counted, and tell them that yes, yes, it counted... that they won't be forgotten, that they mattered. And every widow, I want to tell them they are not alone. And every person with cancer, I want to tell them that no matter what the odds are, they should fight. And every victim of abuse that they are worth more and they deserve better and this is not as good as it gets. And everyone contemplating suicide I want to tell them that this life is worth living, that good will come, that the darkness will lift eventually, just to wait. And every addict who keeps slipping or is thinking about slipping on purpose... I want to tell them to hang on, just hang on, don't do it... there is a better way. I want to tell every kid without parents that they aren't forgotten and that they are loved. I want to tell every parent without kids to take heart... to push on, to keep going forward.

I want to wrap up the whole big huge hurting human race and bring them all to Jesus to be healed. I want to gather everyone I know and don't know and everyone whose been before and will come after and I want them to feel the peace and healing that only Jesus can give. But I am timid. and self conscious. and I get nervous about what people will think. and I don't like to be rejected. And people.. some of them won't listen. and they are just angry. and they don't want healing, at least not from the God they blame for their hurts. So most days, I sit back in despair. I let fear overcome me... the fear of helplessness, the fear of insignificance... of living a life that won't amount to anything and that has no purpose and changes nothing. And that fear is paralyzing.

I wonder how many people feel the same way. Aching in their souls to DO SOMETHING. to CHANGE SOMETHING. to live a life that matters. And I wonder what would happen if we were no longer frozen by fear, but rather we MOVED. I want to move. I want to do something. And I know that this is God's Will for us. Not to be frozen. Not to be afraid, no matter what life looks like. No matter how big the waves or how ferocious the storm... "Don't be afraid," he said, "Take courage, I AM HERE!" [Matthew 14:27]

saving me today.

[In clicking around on this ol' internet I've recently run across a blogging sister, Sarah Bessey. She is an amazing and inspiring Christian writer and each time I visit her blog I'm refreshed, renewed, and challenged. Recently she did a post posing a question for readers to begin a conversation in which we can be completely encouraged by people we will never meet. The question is "What is saving your life right now?" My answer is as follows...]

I want to say that what is saving me right now is my Faith. My God. My Jesus. I know that's the right answer, and I know that in my deepest of hearts that's what is True for me, even when I can't grasp it in my hands. So that is my answer. But if you know anything about me, you know that already. So, if I can, let me tell you some things I can physically hold and touch that keep me moving forward in this life.

Sometimes, when the sea is calm and the water so clear I can see to the bottom and there is no dangerous marine life and my ship's sailing smoothly, I would tell you that my friends who lift me up in prayer any and every time I ask are saving me. Or the chocolate pie I made a few weeks ago that I couldn't stop eating. Or summer nights sitting on my back porch with my cat purring in my lap. Or even the Hunger Games series that I just finished. Or Menchies frozen yogurt, or trips to the pet shelter. Or one quick thought of a baby girl in an orphanage in Haiti where I seem to have left a good portion of my heart. Or maybe, sometime I might tell you my amazing family is saving me. Or a good night's sleep. Or my Keurig coffee maker with a Hazelnut K cup. Or hearing Lani and Nahomie sing in the kitchen early in the morning. Or the memories I have of a class full of eager women memorizing scripture together. Or a candle lit bubble bath, or an hour of total silence. And these would be truthful answers. All of these things have saved me before, and will likely save me again.

But on days like today, when the water is rough and the waves so big I want to go down to the tightest corner of life and curl up and sleep until the storm is over, there is only one thing I have found today that is moving me forward. 

It is my needle and my thread and my thimble and my fabric of which I am hand quilting a quilt for a baby. Don't know what baby, or who's, or when it will arrive. Lets just add that to the list of things I don't know about today. What I do know is how to guide this needle in and out of fabric in relatively even stitches, tie a knot, snip the thread, and move to the next piece. So that is what I am doing. I'm guiding a needle to occupy my hands, and listening to music to occupy my mind. Because the Lord knows at times like these, there is no good replacement for a distraction from what life is actually handing you. Right now, this very minute, a nice, predictable, controllable needle and thread is exactly what is saving me.

Now, join the conversation! Click here.

this fleeting moment

Events take place in our lives that break us. For me, these events come in all shapes and sizes and come via various venues. I FEEL a lot. My emotions run high. Most of the time they are under control, but they are always high. My spectrum doesn't really contain happy or sad or mad, it's more like elated or devastated or furiously bitter. I know this is not always healthy, so to deflate some of my emotions that are beginning to interfere with life, I write. Things like the Colorado shooting get to me. Things like this blog post about the gutwrenching poverty of Haiti and our response get to me. When people in my life do things that I never expected and that cut my heart like a knife, it gets to me. Watching someone else suffer in any fashion gets to me. Thinking of the ladies I love so much in Haiti and not knowing when I will see them again gets to me. And sometimes, these things don't just get to me, they get the better of me. 

I wonder if I'm not the only one. If possibly, some of you feel these same things and don't know how to sort it all out. Today I wanted to share with you a journal entry in which I finally was able to put my emotions at their absolute highest into words. Praying that it blesses you in some way, even if it only reminds you that you are not alone.

"No matter what I do, no matter how purposefully I attempt to occupy my mind, the thoughts resurface. The anger and bitterness creep in, it feels as if steam will pour from my ears and if I open my mouth I will either vomit or scream. And I can feel it, my heart hardening. The wall I am putting up. It's like I'm building it with one hand and tearing it down with the other. I don't want to create such a terribly destructive and defiant thing (and I know a wall is nothing more than this, from previous experience), but part of me feels it is the only way to be safe. I feel like I will never be able to completely rest again, like I will always need to sleep with one eye open, guarding myself against the mean and ugly and terribly hurtful things in this world. I want to scream and punch and kick, and then all I can do is crumple into a defeated pile on my bed and curl up as tight as I can and hope the mattress will open and swallow me in to a deep dark place where there is no one and nothing, so I can relax my grip on my heart, although I'm certain I would still be too afraid to ever let it go completely.

Are these thoughts going to plague my mind forever? Will I ever feel safe and non threatened and possibly decide that not EVERYONE is out to break me? Is it even possible for me to get back to that place again?

I want to cry out to Jesus, to cry out to Him who I KNOW is Ultimate Healer and Provider and who is ALL I need, if I let Him be. But when I open my mouth all that comes out is a loud and ugly and painful, "WHY??" Haven't I been obedient? Haven't I done my best? Aren't you my Father who loves me? Then where are You?? And why did You let this happen?

And I know the answer. It's because God will receive glory from this, somehow, someway. The Kingdom will be furthered, even if only by changes in my own heart. And I KNOW this is the Truth. But somehow, when I am crumpled in a pile of tears and running mascara, this isn't enough for me. This doesn't seem a great enough cause for the pain that is gnawing at me from the inside out all day and all night.

And then I gasp and I feel overwhelmed with fear and shame... Who am I that I should question the works of the Almighty God? Who do I think I am? This is not about me. Clearly, I've lost sight of that. So I lay still, and once the sobbing subsides and my breathing evens out, I whisper to myself "This isn't about you." And I know this is Truth. And it is enough, for this fleeting moment when I capture the meaning of life and the Sovereignty of God and the Peace of Hope in Him... until my flesh takes over and again I let tears fall and I'm overcome by anger, and my heart sits waiting for my flesh to let it be still and Trust and Hope again."

swimming upstream.

highschool. yikes.

When I was a senior in high school, the "leaders" of each class were taken on a weekend getaway at a cabin in the woods to plan a years worth of events and participate in team-building activities. The idea was that if we could learn to work together, we could then pull more people in to the "family" we had created, giving people a "safe" place to belong, thereby increasing involvement and decreasing failing grades and drugs and dropping out among our peers. Did it work? Who knows. Did it have a lasting effect on me? Of course.

One of the activities and it's outcome stand out clearly in my mind, though it was some 6 or 7 years ago that it happened. We were each assigned a role to play and a story was told in which we had been on a plane and had crashed on to a deserted island. We were given imaginary and very limited resources, and we were told to survive. As we made plans and began implementing, tragedy struck and people began to die from dirty water or from starvation, or disappeared due to bear attachs and what have you. Soon, there was only a handful of people left on the island, myself being one of them. Leadership evolved out of thin air, as it almost always does, and we were soon under the instruction of the strong, fearless, football playing, Russ Moore [who happened to be in my close circle of friends]. At one point Russ sent people in all directions to gather supplies. We were instructed to all meet back at camp and then head for a cave before night fell. Of course, 2 people never returned. Russ made the decision to continue without them to the cave. Well, I put my foot down and I said I don't think so mister. I'm not leaving people behind. And he said why yes ma'am, you are! I'm in charge here and this is best for everyone. And I said no sir, I will not! You will have to leave me here then. At this, big strong Russ proceeded to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, and carry me "to the cave" against my will.

After this scene played out, our beloved principle, Mickey Dunn, brought the game to a halt. He said the point was to show how necessary leadership is. He also said "I expected Chelsey to be defiant and stand up for what she believed if it wasn't what you said, even though you were the leader, Russ. I expected nothing less from her." And that was it. The game ended and nothing has ever been said about that since it happened. But here I am, several years later, remembering it like it was yesterday. I could even tell you what I was wearing. I remember Mr. Dunn's voice saying "I expected nothing less from her." And that has been an underlying characteristic of my entire life I think. I seem to always choose the road less traveled, to always be the one swimming upstream. I'm the one going right when everybody and their mom is going left. And it's exhausting sometimes, but I have experienced so much joy and so much absolute wonder living this way. God has taken me places I never dreamed I could go, literally and in my heart as well. I would choose no other way, even if it was my choice.

So, here I am. July 19th, almost 4 months after leaving Haiti.
Still at home, still with the same amount of money in my account because if I spend it I'll have nothing to replace it with.
Still without a job [MTMC never called me back and I have made the decision not to call her because thats what I feel is right in my gut].
Still trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me and John because lets face it, as cute as we are in pictures and as much fun as it looks like we are having, it's not all rainbows and buttercups, believe me.
Still looking for a new car which I have been doing since March, to no avail.
Still dreaming at night about Lani and Nahomie, and Karis, and my English class ladies, and the ladies at the Children's Home.

Still carrying around a heavy burden to do SOMETHING, but I don't know what. 

Still waiting on the Lord.
Still trusting that His timing is perfect and His plan is perfect and I am completely insignificant and unable to do anything on my own.

Choosing today to be like Abraham who's wife was so old she was farting dust and who's sperm was so old it couldn't swim, but when God promised him a child, Romans 4:20-21 says, "No unbelief made him waver concerning the promises of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, FULLY CONVINCED that God was able to do what He had promised."

chelsey lately.

"You learn something new every day" - Dad

I've been hearing that phrase come out of my Daddy's mouth since I can remember. Sometimes I doubt it's validity, and sometimes I agree whole-heartedly. Today I drove from Knoxville to Murfreesboro [3 hours] and then Murfreesboro to Lawrenceburg [2 hrs], so needless to say I had much time to reflect on my recent Knoxville extravaganza. So I want to share with you... 

5 new things I've learned lately:

1. When you go on a trip away from home, make sure you have enough toothpaste. If you don't, you may be forced to resort to brushing your teeth with foaming handsoap [which, I might add, leaves your teeth feelings squeaky clean, literally, although you must fight the gag reflex the entire time you brush, and spit, and then some time after].

2. When you go to carry an open toiletries carrier to your car, it is essential you ensure your razor is blade-side-down in the holder. Or else it is essential you pay extra attention to where you're right hand knuckles are. I took neither of these precautions, and ended up with an extremely painful slice. Thanks.

3. When you get hurt by someone you really care about [which is inevitable], it does you absolutely no good to put up a wall and become resentful, vowing to yourself that you won't let that happen again. We were made to love! We cannot be complete any other way. It is, however, supposedly possible to guard your heart with vigilance and love with your entire heart simultaneously. I'm still working out the kinks...

4. When you are a bridesmaid in a wedding, drink plenty of water and avoid at all cost locking your knees during the lighting of the unity candle. I think you can see where this is going.... we attended a beautiful wedding this past Sunday that was absolutely perfect, except the part where one of the bridesmaids passed out cold in the middle of it. Poor girl. It was fabulous nonetheless and I couldn't be happier for the Riley's :)

5. When you wear a shirt with a Bible verse on it to the Pilot at 7:30 in the morning to get gas, the cashier MIGHT read the verse out loud, give you the crazy eye, scribble something that reads "RFID & EBT" on the bottom of your receipt, then pass it to you and in a low voice say "What if I told you theres going to be an event soon from Revelation? Go home and Google this." Yes, this actually happened.

That concludes the life lessons I've been introduced to lately. In other news...

I completed #99 on my "101 in 1001" List which reads: Eat frog legs. Today for lunch at Toot's in Murfreesboro, I ordered and ate them. They weren't bad... I think the best description I can give is a very tender, clean tasting chicken liver. It was a little daring, but YOLO right? [not exactly a fan of this new catch phrase that is plaguing society currently, but thought I'd throw it in anyway].

My heart is aching daily and my dreams and being filled nightly with Karis. I miss her more than I ever thought possible, and am praying constantly that I will get to see her again soon. She is getting so big, and I'm missing it! Here's a current picture from Haiti:

Praying that today, no matter how dark the clouds are or how bright the sun is, you become acutely aware of God's overwhelming presence and magnificent love for us. Buckets of blessings!

holding

Last week we managed to get my parents, 1 grandmother, and 4/5 siblings plus their significant others to Panama City Beach, Florida where we enjoyed 5ish days of beautiful sunshine [mostly], clear water, delicious food, sandy feet, hard sleep, and sweet time together on vacation. Although we have been to Florida every single summer since I was born [24 years ago], this vacation was like no other to me because this was the first year I went to the beach without my Sis. She and Hunter  [her husband of almost a year :)] are in grad school at ETSU and could not swing the trip. It was a fabulous trip, but in the sweetest and most glorious moments, I found myself sitting still and thinking "I wish Sis was here." They have no idea how much they were missed.

the whole crew

Several things off my "101 in 1001" List could have been accomplished this week, but I was only proactive enough to solidify one thing. #53: Wear a floppy sunhat. And floppy my sunhat was.

This hat, believe it or not, was actually normal-looking when my sweet Mom bought it for me. I wore it for about 15 minutes before I decided to get into the ocean with it. I dunked it, it floated! Great news! And then, it went limp. and dried this way. So, here I am in my too-floppy sunhat, wearing it for a photo nonetheless.

The last few days I have spent in Knoxville. We had a wedding on Sunday, I visited my Sis in JC on Tuesday, and now I'm awaiting Thursday when I'll make the travel to Murfreesboro for a dentist appointment and then on home to Lawrenceburg where I will resume my daily routine of rushing and running and waiting. I am still awaiting a call from MTMC about the job I interviewed for. She said it would be this week, so we shall see. Also, another possible opportunity has somewhat arisen at Vanderbilt Medical Center so if you would pray with me about that it would be awesome. Besides these things, Haiti has been weighing heavy on my heart the last few days. I'm trying to hold it together, but when I'm alone for hours with only time to think and reflect, the following circumstances occur frequently:

Yesterday I was driving to JC [2 hrs from Knox], and all I could think about was Haiti. I smiled thinking about the people there that I spent so much time with. Then I thought of nights sitting up with Lani and Naomi in their bedroom, and out loud I said a Kreyol sentence explaining my life right now: "Mwen pa konnen. Mwen genyen Jezi, m pa bezwen lot bagay." And then as soon as I said it, I burst into tears. I thought of how Lani would smile and nod her head Yes vigorously, and how Naomi would say "Chelsey, ou bon zanmi mwen. Ou konnen Jezi." And then of how I would cry, and Lani would pull me in to her plump chest and wrap her short arms around me and love me until I felt better. And I would have paid any price for a plane ticket right that minute to go back. But I know I cannot... not until God leads me there. So until then, I will pray, for guidance for myself, for wisdom, for protection for my friends and family in Haiti. And I will cherish my life today. Because what other option do we really have, except to be thankful? Join me! :)

the fragile room

 When I was younger my family used to visit my grandparents in Clarksville about every other weekend. My siblings and I loved the weekend trips when we got to explore unfamiliar and old-smelling closets, use ancient machinery like a typewriter or record player, play games and cards for hours, or play dress-up with our mothers once-stylish dresses and jewelry, all the while being the absolute center of the world for our Nanny and Grandaddy who were completely captivated by each of us individually and together. There was one room in my Nanny's house that she called the "living room." It was complete with pink carpet, a pink chair, the most uncomfortable sofa you could imagine, coffee tables and end tables and a cedar chest covered with breakable things like crystal plates and porcelain birds and glass bells. It smelled different from the rest of the house, and it was [with good reason] off limits. The only reason we were to spend time in the living room was if we were working a puzzle or playing a quiet card game. The door stayed shut, and the adults would say "There are breakable things in there. It's no place for horseplay or toddlers or rambunctious kids." So as we grew and our vocabularies increased, we began to refer to it as "the fragile room." We knew that the fragile room was full of fragile things that could shatter into thousands of pieces and be gone forever if they slipped from our slippery fingers.

Sometimes I think about this world, and I wonder if the Earth had a huge "Fragile Room" what would be inside? Recently I have been reminded of something that would fit there better than anything else: life. Even in my short 24 years of living I can attest to this statement, that this earthly life is a fragile thing that can and does shatter into a thousand pieces and is gone forever at the command of the One who gives and takes away. We may learn hundreds of different ways that this is true, but it does not make it any less painful when we are reminded yet again of the fragility of life and the certainty of death.

Many of you will remember baby KenKen who I had the privileged of caring for during my time in Haiti. He was 9 months old and weighed 9 pounds the first night in October that he slept in my bed. We soon learned that he and his mother both had HIV. Since October we have helped to educate them and get them resources as well as provide what we could for KenKen. To our surprise and only by the work of God, KenKen began to recover! In December we celebrated his 1st birthday, and by January he had cut teeth and grown hair. He continued to grow and get stronger, and as we all watched our faith in Christ grew and got stronger as well. He gave hope to so many who felt they were a lost cause. Praise God for using this tiny baby to teach so many people so much. After spiking a fever and being taken to the hospital, baby KenKen died on May 18th. His funeral was today and his tiny body was laid to rest. Please be in prayer for his mother.

October 2011

May 2012

The Bible tells us that life is only a vapor that is here for a short time and then disappears. How true that is. If you do not know Jesus, now is a good time friends. Let me tell you in short the TRUTH of the Gospel, in case you've never heard:
- We are all sinners. Born that way. Never going to be good. [Rom 3:10]
- We do not and will never deserve or be able to earn Heaven.
- Sin must be paid for. Either we must pay, or someone else must pay for us. [Rom 6:23]
- God sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for our sins and to pay the price so that we will not have to. [John 3:16]
- The only way to get to God in Heaven is through Jesus. [John 14:6] This means that, despite what America would tell you with our watered down version of Christianity, being a "good person" is not enough. This means that if your "good outweighs the bad" or if you are "doing better than most people" you are no more getting into Heaven and sharing in God's glory than someone who curses God's name.
-Once you accept Christ and surrender completely to Him, your heart will be more free than you can imagine, and you will be beyond blessed by living with the assurance that you are never alone and that one day, you will see His face. I know friends, because I experienced life without Christ for 20 years, and I now live with this freedom I'm telling you of.

Don't wait. Seek the Truth and find it in Him. Tomorrow may be too late. After all, life is in the fragile room for a reason.

matter of factly

We sit and talk and laugh for hours into the night. In my broken Creole and their patience, we talk about ordinary things like cooking and cleaning and babies and families and church and God... and after a few hours, the conversation turns. They tell me matter of factly about their husbands... about how their husbands cheat with younger girls and push them and kick them and throw them into walls. One tells of how her husband brings his younger girlfriends home with him and then tells his wife she isn't pretty enough anymore... he doesn't bring home any money and she works tirelessly to buy milk, clothes, and school for her son. Another tells me how her husband has been cheating for years, and physically abuses her. She shows me scars. My heart breaks for them, and I become absolutely enraged. I say that we must do something! or call somebody! They shake their heads calmly and tell me again matter of factly that their is no one to call... the police don't care. Their is no one in this country who will protect them. So I say we should take matters into our own hands and find a way to give their husbands what they deserve! I am ready to fight them myself. They shake their heads calmly and tell me matter of factly "no." I look puzzled and one says softly "We know something they don't. We know Jesus and we know He is coming back. We will wait until then... because we know that then they will get what they deserve."

And then, they smile. And my heart is broken and it's taking everything I have to hold back the tears. And I am astonished at their faith. And I am ashamed that mine is nowhere near theirs. They are holding on to Jesus and His promise of return with everything they have. They are being beaten and abused and made to feel like they are worthless.. yet they work and they sing praise and they laugh and they live their daily lives holding on to this Hope... that Jesus is coming. And they rejoice, because they are SURE, and they are EXCITED.

And I think about all the people in this world and in my life who don't know what it is to hope in the Lord. And then my heart breaks for them, because I am hit with the reality that Jesus IS our only Hope. If people are not hoping in Christ and His promises of forgiveness and grace and eternity, then I cannot understand what gets them from day to day? Especially people who are surrounded my turmoil and poverty and spiritual warfare and desperation and brokenness... how do they function if they don't know Jesus? And how do I live among them without telling them, here or in America? And where do YOU fit... and if you know Him and you have this hope, why aren't you telling people?

Me & Karis

I am Israel.

I realize that since I have gotten back to Haiti I haven't written nearly as much as I used to. Believe me, it's not because there isn't anything to say. Mostly it's because I haven't known how to say it or where to start, and I still don't really. What I know is that I am sure that we cannot see ourselves clearly until the Lord lets us, and He has just recently opened my eyes to how much I am like Israel in the Old Testament.

I know some of you automatically tune out after seeing an Old Testament reference, but seriously, stick with me.. it makes sense, promise. All through the Old Testament Israel struggled to walk with God. He made huge promises to them and laid out the necessary things to do and the repercussions for not obeying over and over and over and over, and yet they still panicked every time things got hard. He brought them out of years and years of slavery in Egypt for goodness sake, and some days they whined and cried about that even. Well, this is where I have been. You have probably gathered that this trip to Haiti is MUCH harder for me than the first go round. I miss John more than anything... I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss having a job, I miss stores, I miss being able to create things and do artwork and craft, I miss good internet, I miss driving. I miss everything, about 100x more than I missed it last time. And I have been living in that mindset of missing things since I got back here, and I want to be transparent and tell you that parts of me are still there.

There are lots of changes going on with Chadasha here in Haiti. And we all know how hard change can be for everyone involved. So I feel like the past few weeks of being back here have been spent balancing things, people, situations, and my own self. And balancing is HARD WORK. And it's not fun, and it's uncomfortable, and it's not what I want to be doing. And this is where I relate to the people of Israel. When they get tired of eating mana, they complain. When they get thirsy, they complain. When they see all the people occupying the Promise Land, they complain. They fret and worry and start looking for a way out, speaking out against the God who brought them where they were. And I did all of these things, internally. I have been complaining and crying and fretting and freaking out basically because this isn't easy for me right now. But just because it isn't easy doesn't mean there's not a purpose. The hard times are the times that are most often used to grow me and teach me.  

James 1:2-3 says "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter trials of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Praise the Lord for the times that He reveals Truth to me.  Praise the Lord for the way that he helps me reframe my situation and get a new perspective. And with His Grace alone I am trying to embrace these verses every morning, noon, and night. Because it is joy for me to suffer for my Lord. I am priviledged to be able to bear a burden for His Name. And so I will rejoice!

On Sunday I leave for the Dominican Republic for another round of heart surgeries. As of now, there will be 3 kids and 3 guardians traveling with us and each will receive much needed surgery. Their names are Guyito, Rutherchy, and Sophonie. Prayers for us all as we prepare would be great. I will give you details about them and the trip as it unfolds! For now, I pray that God reveals things to you about yourself today that you didn't know before. I pray that He helps you to reframe and get perspective and I pray that you allow Him to change your heart to make it more like His. Love you friends!

me and some of the kids waiting to get dental work done before we get to Santiago!

raped by strangers.

This past week I was able to be a part of Passion 2012 in Atlanta, Georgia. If you've never heard of the Passion Movement or 268Generation, you should click here now. Then come back to this blog, of course, because it's important! :)

Basically, roughly 44,000 18-25 year olds gathered in the Georgia Dome to worship King Jesus and learn about Him and grow in Faith and encourage each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. To give you a short version... GOD MOVED.

The Passion Movement is centered around the idea that worship isn't just singing and praying and holding our hands in the air. Worship is JUSTICE. And Isaiah 61:8 says, "For I the Lord LOVE justice..."

Remember slavery back in the 1800s? Remember in school you learned about people being forced to do labor for others, being beaten and abused and treated like commodities rather than like people? Remember that feeling you got when you realized what slavery was of "I can't believe my people did that to other people"? Remember thinking "I can't believe it took people so long to realize how wrong that was. I'm glad it's over"?

What if I told you that there are more slaves in this world today than there have ever been at any other time. Would you believe that? Would you believe that there are over 27 million people who are being beaten. mistreated. forced to work. forced to have sex. used. all over the world? You might believe that. And you should, because it's true. Let me tell you a few more things about modern day slavery that are TRUE:

80% of slaves are women and children.

2500 women and children are sold every single day.

2 children are sold every minute.

The total market value of human trafficking today is $32 BILLION. This is more than Google, Starbucks, and Nike COMBINED.

In 1850, a slave cost about $40,000 in today's equivalent of money. Today a person can be bought for as little as $30.

You probably don't have much trouble believing that this is happening all over the world. India, China, Brazil, Pakistan, Bolivia, Greece, France, Bulgaria, Japan, Iran, Haiti, Uzbekistan, Bangkok. The list goes on and on. But let me tell you something else that is true.

there are over 200,000 slaves in AMERICA right this second. 

Would you believe that? Big cities like Miami, Florida. Dallas, Texas. Los Angeles, California. Portland, Oregon. Atlanta, Georgia. Toledo, Ohio. San Fransisco, California. Las Vegas, Nevada. Big cities with big international airports are major hubs for the sex trafficking of women and children as young as 4 years old.

This is real. And it is happening, right now. Possibly less than a mile from where you sit. Are we going to be a generation who sits by and lets this happen? Are we going to do nothing and ignore the problem, hoping it goes away? I have news... IT ISN'T GOING AWAY. In the next year another 70,000 slaves will be brought in to the USA from all over the world. They will be women and children just like your sisters or mothers or daughters or nieces. They will be put up in brothels and strip clubs and on street corners. They will be beaten. and abused. and USED. And it will happen right here, where we live.

We must raise our voices. We must stop watching and listening and thinking and talking... we must raise our voices and start STOPPING it. 44,000 young adults stood for freedom this past week. In 3 days, over $3 million dollars was raised to put towards organizations who are working tirelessly to bring justice and freedom to the people caught in modern day slavery. We stood together in silence and prayed to the God of the universe for justice to come, for freedom to come. And we know that it will. Freedom will one day come for every man being forced to harvest coffee beans. for every boy working in dangerous factories with no pay. for every woman being forced to stand on a street corner and sell herself. for every girl being repeatedly raped by strangers.

What will you do TODAY to stop the buying and selling of human beings?

Will you continue with your safe, happy life in silence?

Or will you RAISE YOUR VOICE, and DO SOMETHING.

Ignorance is not an excuse.

Indifference is not an option.

"O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
   you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear  

to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
   so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more"

  Psalm 10:17-18

my water jugs

A few days ago I was sitting in the truck waiting [because thats mostly what life in Haiti consists of] and people watching [because that is by far the most entertaining pass time I have discovered in my 23 years of life]. In Port au Prince, the streets are constantly full of people walking at a leisurely pace but no doubt with a plan for where they are going and what they are trying to get accomplished. They are carrying things on their heads, dragging wheelbarrows full of stuff, pushing carts full of things, etc. etc. As I was watching, thinking about different faces, making up stories in my head for who they were and what their lives were like, two young boys caught my eye.

They looked to be brothers, no more than 6 and 7 years old, walking alone together on the side of the road. Their feet were dusty and calloused from so many miles walked with no shoes. Their clothes were torn and ragged, dusty, stained, and didn't match in any kind of way. I could see how thick the skin on their hands had  become from working, and their frames were much like that of most Haitian children: thin arms and legs with a pot belly [usually due to worms]. Their hair was short and they had some dry skin patches on their heads which were probably from a fungal infection of some kind. They each carried 2 gallon jugs of water that they had pumped at the water pump a good distance away, and they looked to be carrying them back to their house, maybe for their mother to cook with or for drinking later. It was a sweltering hot day, and their faces were covered in sweat mixed with the dust of Haiti. But on both of their faces were smiles so big they could light up the darkest of rooms. They talked and laughed, while they carried their loads [each with 1 jug on his head and 1 in his hand].

They stopped near my truck and put both of their jugs down to take a rest. They looked around and talked to each other some more, all the while smiling like they had not a care in the world. Then they saw me watching them, and they waved. I waved back and smiled, but couldn't figure out why these two  boys had grabbed my attention so tightly. After a few more seconds, they re-situated their jugs and resumed their walk. The smiles never left their faces... they were perfectly content with their day. And they were walking miles in 90 degree weather carrying 2 gallons of water that looked to weigh more than they themselves did.

Then it occurred to me that God put those boys there for me to see, to teach me about my journey in Haiti. It has been full of... well, lots of things... lots of crying, worrying, praying, laughing, fellowshipping, praising, teaching, learning, mourning, encouraging, and loving. No matter how the days go, when I get into bed at night, every night, I am joyful. I smile and I praise my Jesus for leading me here to live amongst these people. I am serving daily [carrying my water jugs] with a smile and with a joy that I know only comes from the Lord.

Many of you may know this already, but if you don't, when I go home in 9 days it will only be to put down my jugs and rest. I will be back in America for 5 weeks, and I will be smiling with a joy that I know only comes from the Lord. I will be back and forth between Lawrenceburg and Knoxville, with a few additional stops, and I will be spending as much time as possible with my family and friends that I have missed desperately while I have been in Haiti.

And then, after my 5 weeks is over, I will pick my water jugs back up, situate them back on my head, and with the same smile and the same joy, I will fly back to Haiti to continue serving God's people here. I will be back in Port au Prince from the end of January until the end of April, and then, who knows? I am taking this journey one step at a time. I have no idea where God is leading me, but if i did then there would be no trust involved, and how can I be considered to have Faith if I don't have to trust.

I like to think of the Bible as a love letter that God wrote specifically for me. I like to take the scripture and envision God with a pen thinking of me and writing things to me that I need to know. In Psalm 119:105 He wrote to me: "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." How much light does a lamp give? Enough for you to maybe see one or two steps ahead of where you are standing. The Bible does not say that He will light my path like a flashlight [which would allow me to see far ahead of where I am now]. It only lets me see a few steps at a time. Which is sometimes hard, and frustrating, but I know that my God had a plan written for me before anybody else even knew I was going to exist. He has my days numbered, and He knows where He desires for me to spend every single one. So I am clinging to the promise that He is holding me and guiding me and directing my path. He has a plan. It may be crazy, and much different than the plan I would have chosen, but I would not rather be anywhere else than in the center of God's Will for me. I am leaning on Him and in faith trusting that He has a plan that is better than mine.

I don't know what that looks like to you. Crazy, I'm sure, is at least one of the top 3 things you are thinking. Radical, atypical, abnormal, silly... maybe. But my God is reassuring me daily that while it may be many things, the most important thing it is is FAITHFUL. I challenge you today to step out in faith and do whatever it is the Lord is leading you to do. It is hard, and it takes sacrifice that I didn't even understand existed before I started this journey with my Jesus. But it is well worth it friends... trading the immediate for the eternal is a GOOD trade. Join me :)

eyes so full of hope.

As it gets closer and closer to time for me to come home for a while, it gets harder and harder to be here in Haiti. I sit or lay for hours in my free time and dream about home..

I want to be cold. I want to sit on the counters in the kitchen with my sisters and talk and laugh for hours. I want to sleep until 11:00 in the morning. I want to lay on the couches in the living room and watch shows my Mom has saved on DVR. I want to watch YouTube videos without having to wait 30 minutes for them to load. I want to worship at Calvary Baptist Church with my family there. I want to plop onto Kiersten's bed and talk about life and love and everything in between. I want to watch Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice with Katie Floyd. I want to see where my brother lives now, and where my sister and her husband live now. I want to get in my car and drive to Walmart and buy something. I want to run to the Redbox and rent a movie. I want to call anybody and everybody and talk for as long as I want without worrying about having to buy more minutes. I want to come in my front door and be all but knocked over by the dogs so happy to see me. I want to be able to sit still without a fan to move air and not have to swat mosquitoes. I want to go out to eat with John, hold his hand, hug his neck, kiss his face.These are all things I want, and it is HARD to not be able to have them.

But you wanna know whats harder? Today we visited our other orphanage, the one that we brought up out of a mudhole in Site Soley. I had never been there before. There are around 70 kids.. all with short hair, dark brown skin, dark brown eyes. They all look alike, and there is a ton of them. I have learned enough Creole to carry on somewhat of a conversation. Today a beautiful little girl with an innocent face and hopeful eyes sat beside me. She asked me my name. "Chelsey." She asked me how old I am. "Twenty-three." And then, with eyes filled with more expectation and hope than I had ever seen, she asked me "Can you adopt me?" I was stunned. What was I supposed to say to this? I mumbled and incoherently tried to explain that I'm only 23, that I'm not even married. She didn't care. "Yes, but can you adopt me?" I had to look into her soft brown eyes so full of hope and tell her I'm sorry.. no, no, I can't adopt you. I want to, but I cannot. This made missing all the things I've ever missed about America seem easy. It made me want to beg God to make missing home the hardest thing I have to do on a daily basis, because it is EASY compared to looking at beautiful children who are desperate for a Mom who loves them individually and unconditionally, wanting so badly to be that Mom for them, and knowing that I cannot.

I don't know what else to say tonight. I am heartbroken for this little girl and the millions of others in Haiti and around the world... millions of children who don't know their birthdays, who have no one to sing them lullabies or rock them to sleep, who have no one to take their temperature and watch them while they sleep when they are sick, who have no one who knows their favorite color or their favorite food. Children who feel forgotten and unloved, children without parents.

Tonight I ask for prayer. Prayer for this little girl, for the other 70 something kids that live with her, for the handful of kids in our Children's Home who don't have families yet, for all the kids around the world waiting to be taken "home" to homes that they have only been able to dream about so far. Prayer for me and for my heart, because it is sad and broken tonight. Prayers for Chadasha and other organizations working in Haiti, trying to show the Love of Jesus to these children and minister to their brokenness.

It is only in our brokenness that we can witness the power of God, the faithfulness of His promises. I am resting in that assurance tonight. Mesi Jezi!

i've been thinking

Well hello there friends!

I hope it is a bright, sunshiney day wherever you are. And if it isn't.. then there's always tomorrow :) Here in Port au Prince it is a beautiful day, temperatures holding in the 90s during the days and 70s at night. Its hot, really. I miss the season of Fall! [it's my favorite].

As you know, I like lists. So, I've been thinking about things I'm really tired of:
1. Sweating.
2. Rice and beans.
3. Mosquitoes.
[but not necessarily in that order. Mosquitoes are definitely at the TOP of the list!]

And I've been thinking about things that I can't wait to eat when I get home:
1. Ice cream.
2. McDonalds chicken nuggets.
3. Ice cream.
4. cereal.
5. Frappucinos [preferably from Starbucks or Einsteins]

And I've been thinking about things I will desperately miss about Haiti:
1. The physical affection that Haitians show people that they love.
2. Cokes off the street that are perfectly frozen and have a salty taste around the rim.
3. Feeling so free and bold in sharing the Gospel.

And I've been thinking about things I've done in Haiti that I would probably never do in the States:
1. Use skype nearly every single night.
2. Lay a lady down and check to make sure her baby wasn't coming out in the back of our car.
3. Sleep with different babies in my bed every other week.

Anyway... just some things I've been thinking about! I'm leaving tomorrow to go to the Dominican Republic. We are taking 6 Haitian kids across the boarder to have heart surgeries. [There is nowhere to have heart surgery in Haiti]. A few of the kids are already at our house and I've been loving on them and their legal guardians that are with them.

Niaka

Ziakel

I'll be sleeping in a "Jesus House" with the moms and their kids, and I am so excited about getting to know them [with the little Creole I have acquired] and about showing them the love of Jesus. I'm not sure I'll have internet over there, and I may be there for up to 2 weeks. So, don't freak out or get nervous if you don't hear from me for a while.

But know I'll be thinking of you all and praying for you! And I will be so excited to share the beautiful stories of these precious kids. And p.s., just for your personal information, Only 5 weeks and 6 days until I'll be home :)

See you later!

great expectations.

You know that feeling of expecting something great to happen? Like if you have been waiting and waiting for a promotion at work and you feel you've finally earned it, a position is available, your boss calls you into his office "to talk" and you're sure it's your big break? Or if you prepare for hours for an exam, leave the test feeling like you rocked it, 24 hrs later see that the results are up and you are certain that when you click the link you will have aced it? Or if you and another person are praying about dating each other, you are sure that God has told you it is right, and you decide you are going to tell the other person, certain that they heard the same thing? That anticipation, that excitement, that feeling in your stomach of expecting something great. And then right before it's going to happen, you get that flutter of anxiety where your heart beats faster and your palms maybe sweat and you talk really fast and you almost have a sort of out of body experience.

You know that feeling of expecting something great to happen.... and then, it doesn't. That sinking feeling, like you got shot in the chest, like you're having to tell your lungs to breathe. When you get fired instead of promoted, or get a C in place of an A, or the person you're in love with doesn't love you back. We know that feeling all too well I'm afraid. With every expectation comes the opportunity for disappointment, and disappointment is heart breaking. This is especially true if you continue to be disappointed by the same situation or person over and over. Sometimes I feel like I have a certain amount of expectation for someone or something, and each time I am disappointed my level of expectation drops, until eventually I grow to not expect much of anything.

Yesterday I read the first 5 chapters of the Book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah was a prophet chosen by God to speak to the people of Israel on His behalf. In these first few chapters, God is addressing the actions of the people of Israel who have turned from Him and have begun and continued to worship false gods [such as golden calves]. It is verse after verse of God warning the people to turn back and return to Him. I got to Jeremiah 3:19 and my heart just broke. The end of the verse reads, "You would call me 'My Father,' I thought, and never cease following me." God allowed Himself to expect this from the Israelites. He got that excited feeling, that expectation of something great to come. Then in verse 20: "But like a woman faithless to her lover, even so have you been faithless to me." He also felt the sinking, the shot to the heart of having his expectations be met by nothing less than disappointment. He felt just like we feel.

I imagine it is similar to the way that KenKen's daddy is going to feel in a few days. We met with his mother and reported the test results. She was almost altogether unphased, which indicated to us that she already knew. She looks to be wasting away herself, and is most likely infected with the HIV virus as well. On top of that, she had a child before KenKen who also died as a baby and she couldn't tell us why. She threw in yet another facet of this situation that is going to change their lives when she told us that the first baby was not from KenKen's dad, and that she was worried about telling him the baby is positive because he will most likely blame her for giving it to him [which she most likely did]. So for now, KenKen's daddy does not know the fate of his baby. He knows that KenKen is sick with pneumonia, and that we are still running tests. He and his wife both agreed to get tested for HIV so we took them today but won't have the results for a week. We don't and probably never will know the whole story, but I imagine that his daddy is expecting his son to get well. He is probably expecting him to get medicine and love and come home all better. How great will the heartbreak be when he learns that this is not the case, and that his only son probably only has a few months left to live. The pit and pain of disappointment will be upon him in a way he may have never known before.

I know he is not the only one getting disappointing news. You too may be facing something that has disappointed you.. something you had great expectations for and when you learn that things aren't how you planned, you will be disappointed. I am learning this lesson alongside you and KenKen's daddy. It is part of living... to expect and to be disappointed. So does this mean we should stop expecting?

Jeremiah 3:12 reads, "Return, rebel Israel, says the LORD. I will not remain angry with you, for I am merciful." He said this after they had disappointed Him over and over and over and over, turning their backs and choosing other things over Him. And He knew that they would continue in their ways. Yet He offers forgiveness, mercy, and pardon. Even when they have hurt Him to His core, He offers to take them back. And this, brothers and sisters, is what we are called to do. No matter how many times we are disappointed, we are to press onward with great expectations for our God. I know it is hard, and it hurts, but we must continue to walk loving those around us, trusting them, expecting great things because our God did not give up on us and therefore we must not give up on each other.

KenKen on the way home from the HIV clinic today.

Please pray for this sweet family in the week to come. Their lives will be forever altered, and change is hard. I will continue to keep you updated on KenKen's life as things develop. For now, his mother asked us to care for him until the test results are back. So, I'm crossing my fingers for a night full of rest with this precious baby boy. Goodnight from Haiti!

His arms are big enough.

The past few days have been full. Full of what, you ask? Full of trials and joys and fearful hearts and rejoicing and peace and racket and calm and laughter and tears and most of all full of crying out in desperation to our Heavenly Father. The details are too many and too obscure and too insignificant to recount... so I will spare you. Basically, the point is that there is a battle going on around the Chadasha ministry.. a battle that is not of this world. Paul tells us in Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I know this scripture, but I have never known what it looked like until this week. In Haiti there are many battles that are of the flesh... hunger, health care, government, weather, and the list goes on and on. But in Haiti, there are battles of a spiritual nature in which we must call on the Lord to intervene... and He does just that!
I am certain that we are not the only ones battling this week. As you read this, you may be fighting a fight that you have never fought before. You may be scared or worried, or angry. Maybe no one else even knows that something is going on, or maybe everyone does and it makes it harder. Or maybe, you don't even know that you are battling something. Or perhaps you really aren't fighting now, but eventually you will be. It is inevitable. As a team this week, we have been on our knees before God and clinging to His Word with all we have. Below are some verses that we have found strength in, and that I hope you can to:

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you are faced with various trials" -James 1:2
"No harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways" -Psalm 91:10-11
"You, oh Lord, are a shield around me... I do not fear then, thousands of people arrayed against me on every side... Safety comes from the Lord!" -Psalm 3
“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name." -Psalm 91:14
"But whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm." Proverbs 1:33

How sweet of our God to give these words to us, that we may rest in knowing that we are not alone. Find comfort today friend, knowing that our God will not be moved. Below are some pictures of some sweet babies who need prayers tonight. They have left the orphanage to go home to a tent city with their parents for a night or so, and will more than likely be back. As hard as it is to watch them leave not knowing what the end result will be for them, we are certain that God loves these children more than we ever could, and therefore we trust that He is holding them in His arms tonight, and we KNOW that His arms are big enough and strong enough to protect them all.

Wanelson

Junior

Ava Grace

Kynzi

being a light, not a savior.

Well, tonight I had truly planned to blog early, go to bed early, and get some extra sleep. But then, facebook decided that now would be a great time to let me upload pictures [which it hasn't done since I got here] so of course I had to take advantage of that. I uploaded all the ones of kids who's adoptive parents have been waiting on pictures first because they are highest priority, then it let me get a few more in before it quit uploading. So, you should definitely check them out by clicking here.

Manny continues to get stronger and stronger! We are trying to "unspoil" him, if thats possible. So he has spent the last few days doing some serious crying. Not even kidding, he cried 2 hours straight yesterday. It was the craziest thing I'd ever seen. When he made it the whole day while crying and not ever falling asleep or losing his voice, we concluded he is well enough to go home. Below is the most recent picture of him. [I promise he takes a bath every day and we change his clothes, but he only has like 3 outfits that come close to fitting him because he's so small, and I just happened to take pictures on all the days he's wearing this green and white outfit haha]

This week has really been a challenge for me, but the Lord has taught me a lot about my perspective. The situation is looking more and more like Manny will be able to go back to his Mom and Dad. Yesterday we had 5 kids from the Children's Home choose to go back to their parents who wanted them back. Initially, it is frustrating to see kids be put back in conditions that are less than ideal. Especially a kid like Manny who was so sick, he will likely get sick again and may not be able to get the treatment he needs. Tonight I was giving him his warm bath and then lathering him in baby lotion and baby powder, and it occurred to me that when he goes home he may be taking a bath in a bucket of rain water, or simply be placed under a gutter after the rain to rinse off, or be sprayed off on the side of the road at the well pump. He may never get another bath in a bathtub. It made me sad.

But then I was reminded by one of our leaders and mentors here that whether parents can provide as well as we can for their kids or not is not the issue that we are here for. We are here to show the love of Jesus, whether that is for a week, 5 months, or a lifetime. We are here to build families up and teach them how to provide for each other and survive here, not tear them apart because it looks more comfortable for them to us. Maybe Manny will have a little less to eat, and maybe the kids from the children's home will sleep on a less comfortable bed tonight, but they will be with their families. And we all know that there is nothing like knowing that your family has your back and loves you, and would do anything for you. Even if the situation is hard and life is not easy, it is best that they live it with their families if at all possible. This was a hard conclusion to come to, but I am so thankful for a God who gives me "peace that surpasses all understanding" [Phil 4:7] Sometimes I get to thinking that our goal here is to take in children and love them and give them a "good life". But I must remember that I have no way to judge a "good life" from a "bad life" and if these children know Jesus, nothing else matters. We are here to be a light in the darkness, to reflect the Light that is Jesus Christ. To give the people Hope in the One thing we can hope in.. our Lord. We are not here to be a savior to this country, but only to be a Light that reflects Our Savior! And it's as simple as that. Anything else we get to do as servants is simply extra!