swimming upstream.

highschool. yikes.

When I was a senior in high school, the "leaders" of each class were taken on a weekend getaway at a cabin in the woods to plan a years worth of events and participate in team-building activities. The idea was that if we could learn to work together, we could then pull more people in to the "family" we had created, giving people a "safe" place to belong, thereby increasing involvement and decreasing failing grades and drugs and dropping out among our peers. Did it work? Who knows. Did it have a lasting effect on me? Of course.

One of the activities and it's outcome stand out clearly in my mind, though it was some 6 or 7 years ago that it happened. We were each assigned a role to play and a story was told in which we had been on a plane and had crashed on to a deserted island. We were given imaginary and very limited resources, and we were told to survive. As we made plans and began implementing, tragedy struck and people began to die from dirty water or from starvation, or disappeared due to bear attachs and what have you. Soon, there was only a handful of people left on the island, myself being one of them. Leadership evolved out of thin air, as it almost always does, and we were soon under the instruction of the strong, fearless, football playing, Russ Moore [who happened to be in my close circle of friends]. At one point Russ sent people in all directions to gather supplies. We were instructed to all meet back at camp and then head for a cave before night fell. Of course, 2 people never returned. Russ made the decision to continue without them to the cave. Well, I put my foot down and I said I don't think so mister. I'm not leaving people behind. And he said why yes ma'am, you are! I'm in charge here and this is best for everyone. And I said no sir, I will not! You will have to leave me here then. At this, big strong Russ proceeded to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, and carry me "to the cave" against my will.

After this scene played out, our beloved principle, Mickey Dunn, brought the game to a halt. He said the point was to show how necessary leadership is. He also said "I expected Chelsey to be defiant and stand up for what she believed if it wasn't what you said, even though you were the leader, Russ. I expected nothing less from her." And that was it. The game ended and nothing has ever been said about that since it happened. But here I am, several years later, remembering it like it was yesterday. I could even tell you what I was wearing. I remember Mr. Dunn's voice saying "I expected nothing less from her." And that has been an underlying characteristic of my entire life I think. I seem to always choose the road less traveled, to always be the one swimming upstream. I'm the one going right when everybody and their mom is going left. And it's exhausting sometimes, but I have experienced so much joy and so much absolute wonder living this way. God has taken me places I never dreamed I could go, literally and in my heart as well. I would choose no other way, even if it was my choice.

So, here I am. July 19th, almost 4 months after leaving Haiti.
Still at home, still with the same amount of money in my account because if I spend it I'll have nothing to replace it with.
Still without a job [MTMC never called me back and I have made the decision not to call her because thats what I feel is right in my gut].
Still trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me and John because lets face it, as cute as we are in pictures and as much fun as it looks like we are having, it's not all rainbows and buttercups, believe me.
Still looking for a new car which I have been doing since March, to no avail.
Still dreaming at night about Lani and Nahomie, and Karis, and my English class ladies, and the ladies at the Children's Home.

Still carrying around a heavy burden to do SOMETHING, but I don't know what. 

Still waiting on the Lord.
Still trusting that His timing is perfect and His plan is perfect and I am completely insignificant and unable to do anything on my own.

Choosing today to be like Abraham who's wife was so old she was farting dust and who's sperm was so old it couldn't swim, but when God promised him a child, Romans 4:20-21 says, "No unbelief made him waver concerning the promises of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, FULLY CONVINCED that God was able to do what He had promised."