sacrificial love

I run through the drive thru less so he can go more.

In the driveway, he parks furthest from the door so I can park closest.

I love orange sherbet ice cream, but I buy Neapolitan because I know he likes it better.

When the dogs bark at 5am, he gets up and lets them out, every time.

We are learning the meaning of

sacrificial love.

Day in and day out, my husband and I are becoming more and more aware of what it looks like to put someone else's needs above our own.

I get tired of making the bed every morning and sometimes I don't want to do dishes or laundry, but I still do, for him. He prefers sci-fi movies and sitcoms about the government, but he took me to see "The Box Trolls" and he watches "Grey's Anatomy" on Thursdays.

If we have learned one thing about this thing called marriage, it's that it entails a never ending stream of sacrifice. We each do things we would never do if it were up to us.

Yet we do them joyfully, and willingly.

We pour ourselves out to each other and serve each other so that at the end of every day we climb into the bed exhausted in our bones and in our souls, but we can always say that

we have given each other all we had.

Because we are husband and wife.

And it is our heart's desire not just to love each other, but to love each other well.

[photos by Rachel Moore Photography]

unclench your teeth

Sam and I honeymooned in Nassau, Bahamas at a Sandal's all-inclusive resort. Crystal clear water, food for days, king sized bed, and best of all, no phones or internet. The one on one time with no obligation or desire to connect with the real world made it a heavenly trip. While there, we decided to embark on a few of the adventures suggested by the resort. One of these was a snorkeling trip!

Neither of us had been snorkeling in the ocean before, and we were both super excited. After a little mix up with the booking office, we were finally cleared to get on the boat. It was a huge sailboat and we were the first of probably 50 people to board so naturally we got the best seats. The three hour endeavor included an hour boat ride out, an hour of snorkeling, and an hour ride back. It was a beautiful sunny day and the breeze from the ocean couldn't have felt better as we glided across the water to the snorkeling location.

For whatever reason, when I read "snorkeling" I assumed we would be taken to an island of some sort and would be wading in the ocean with snorkeling masks and goggles, looking at all the beautiful fish that swim in water I can still touch bottom in. You can imagine my surprise, then, when the boat stopped and dropped a huge anchor in the very middle of the ocean. The crew began handing out flippers and goggles and such, a ladder was extended from the center of the boat down into the deep ocean water, and it soon registered with me that this was where we would be snorkeling. The lifeguard made a few announcements about staying on the right side of the boat and not kicking each other in the face with our flippers and then added as an afterthought almost, "You'll be in the water for about an hour. If you're not a strong swimmer we have some life vests." I can swim just fine in a swimming pool or lake or any body of water really, but had absolutely no desire to test my swimming skills in the middle of the 100 ft deep ocean rolling with waves and teaming with fish. I was first in line for a jacket.

Sam went down the ladder ahead of me and then helped me get my flippers on as I entered the water. We swam easily to the right side of the boat where the coral reef was. It was beautiful with all kinds of colorful fish and plants. We swam beside each other and pointed things out underwater, coming up frequently to clear our goggles or blow water from our tubes. We also spent a considerable amount of time cackling at each other as we talked inaudibly through our tubes underwater. Sam was having the time of his life. He loved every minute of it. After about 45 minutes, I pulled him above water and said "Hey. Just so you know, I am really having to talk myself into not panicking." The water was rough! And when we got to the edge of the reef we could see hundreds of feet down below into deep water where any number of fish could be, including sharks! We had to work hard to stay near the boat and even then we inevitably floated away and had to constantly swim back. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but after the hour was up I was definitely ready to get back in the boat.

Once back onboard, we turned in our gear and resumed our positions on the front of the boat. This is when I realized that my jaw was sore.

I had had my teeth clenched tight on my mouth piece the entire hour I was in the water. 

There were too many factors that I couldn't control for me to relax while I was snorkeling. The water, the waves, the fish, the goggles, the other people, the boat... I had no control over these things and could not say with certainty what they may or may not do.

How often do we find ourselves in this position in our lives? We are constantly surrounded by things we can't control... factors like our circumstances or other people's choices or our environment. Whether it is a job situation or a dying marriage or a sassy two year old or rebellious teenagers or terrible teachers or bad weather or unexpected news or a life altering daignosis... we cannot control everything that happens to us. And this makes us stressed, and tense, and unable to enjoy the world around us.

Praise that there is a God who is in control. And who is bigger than us and who has been here before us and knows already what is best for us.

Unclench your teeth friends.. relax your tense muscles.

Give your anxieties to the Lord, take a deep breath, and know that He's got you. It's better that way, I promise.

two weeks in

Tonight marks two weeks since our wedding day! We are sitting at a little coffee shop reflecting on our first two weeks of marriage and we have decided to share with you a few things we have learned since the honeymoon is over and we are officially back to reality. 

Of course, one of the biggest changes that we have faced has been learning to sleep in the same bed through the night. The first night we were back in Dallas we tucked ourselves into bed beside each other and I rolled over and looked Sam right in the eyes and said, "Hey babe. Guess what? When you wake up in the morning, I'll still be here :)" He smiled and responded, "Hey babe. Guess what? You're in the middle of the bed." 

Three mornings later as we sat up at 7am having our morning coffee, Sam turned to me and in his most sweet husband voice said "Hey babe. How would you feel about considering some nose strips for you? You snore." I died laughing. We are learning each other, thats for sure. And as of now, we continue to survive without the nose strips.

A few nights ago for the first time Sam fell asleep and I laid awake in the dark, afraid to move for waking him up. After half an hour of listening to him breath, I slithered to the edge of the bed and slipped my ipad from the floor, darkening the screen so it wouldn't wake him. I proceeded to flip hamburgers on a ridiculous cooking game for an hour or two while he slept soundly beside me. Whatever works, right?

One of our favorite things to do on nights we have off from the real world (which let's be honest, doesn't happen that often), is drink coffee at a restaurant with a bottomless coffee bar and plan student discipleship or write sermons or do our devotionals beside each other. We are working on befriending our waiter as I'm typing this, actually. 

We spend at least two nights a week at various football games supporting players and cheerleaders. We are so excited for the fall weather.. I personally can't wait to decorate and carve pumpkins and drink apple cider until I explode! I'm trying to talk Sam into dressing up in a couples costume for Halloween. He's not convinced. Maybe because I want to be Cruella Deville and I want him to be a Dalmatian on a leash? I'll keep thinking on it.... haha

Speaking of dogs, tomorrow afternoon we are officially adopting not one, but TWO puppies! They are 15 week old Australian Shepherd mixes.. brother and sister. The boy's name is Siri and he is black with a little white on his face.. he's calm and reserved. The girl's name is Echo and she is white with a little black on her face.. she's crazy and energetic and in your face constantly wanting attention. "They match us!" Sam says. I wasn't sold on two puppies at one time, but once I met them I couldn't resist. They are so so so cute. I'll probably reference this email in which I'm excited about it multiple times over the next few months when I will inevitably want to give them away. Puppy training begins immediately, don't worry.

I guess thats it for now! We are doing great as husband and wife and are sending love from Texas to wherever you are!

romans and grace.

In the New Year we felt ambitious.. like the world was at our fingertips for the first time, like anything was possible and we had all the time we'd like to get where we wanted to go. In the New Year we set goals.. physical, relational, spiritual. Weigh this much, spend more time with these people, read this book, study this scripture. We made lists in moleskins of what we wanted to do, things we vowed to change. We made promises to each other and to ourselves, and to our God. In the New Year, we felt ambitious.

Just over four months later, our moleskins are under magazines or under the front seat of our car, gathering dust somewhere with lists of New Years promises rotting away inside. Time goes so quickly, and life gets so busy, and we have lost our gumption, we say. Clothes pile up and groceries must be bought and rooms need painting and the pool needs cleaning and it turns out a kitchen cabinet makeover takes a lot more time and effort than we thought. We get up early and we go to bed late and still it seems there isn't time in a day to do all we need to do, all we have promised to do, all we want to do. So we settle into routines and day to day life and without our knowing it but with our complete permission promises like reading more and praying more and eating healthier and being more intentional with our thoughts and words are lost somewhere between sleeping and eating and homework and working and painting and life. Four months later, we have broken promises to each other, to ourselves, and to our God.

And then we are challenged, by students or friends or family or mentors, to go back to the basics. To turn off the TV and to put down the dish rags and paint brushes. To get in the Word with hearts that are searching for Him, to know Him better, to desire Him more. And so I dig up the moleskin with the list and I go back. And so what? some say... New Years resolutions are made to be broken. And if they were only resolutions then that may be so, but these were promises, and they were made to be kept. I flip through the notebook, find my list. "Memorize scripture" I read. I have memorized one verse in four months. A promise I made and did not keep.

I go into the office and open a Bible study workbook I started two years ago. It was supposed to last five weeks. And isn't that how the story goes.. starting things with vigor and slowly they slip through our fingers and get pushed aside. Today's lesson, which was actually yesterdays lesson two years ago, landed on Ecclesiastes 5:4-6:

"When you make a vow to God, don't delay fulfilling it, because He does not delight in fools. Fulfill what you vow. Better that you do not vow than that you vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth bring guilt on you, and do not say in the presence of a messenger that it was a mistake."

I snap the book closed abruptly, I can feel Him. He knows me. My heart is overwhelmed with conviction.

It has been just over a year since this started... this crazy thing with this amazing guy who is my soon-to-be husband. And if we could see it all, we would know it has actually been far longer than a year. When my hands are busy in dirty dish water or broom and dust pan, my mind wanders and always lands on him. I look up from the sink to see him smiling at me from across the room. Early in the morning when I come in the door after running ragged at the hospital for 13 hours, he pushes my curls back and tells me I am beautiful.  When I hover over the stove or the sewing machine or clean clothes, I can feel him watching me with eyes that love to pieces.

Sometimes I get quiet and my heart is heavy and somber and full with the weight of the reality of sin and death and how it crumbles and breaks people who seem to deserve more, better. Then he sits quiet with me, and let's me be sad. Sometimes I'm crazy and I back the car into the neighbors fence or I lose things like the Apple TV remote (which has been missing for over two weeks and I'm pretty sure I threw it away). He laughs with me as I chuckle at myself, always. Sometimes I'm sassy and grumpy, and even then he wraps his arms around me from behind and holds me still until I smile. And I always smile.

So I feel convicted about scripture memory, and I'm reading blogs and skimming articles when I come across this post. And it  challenges me with this scripture memory project. And so I open the Word that is the only Word, that is life and strength and food for my soul. I open it to Romans 8 and I begin with verse one.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

And I feel His face turn toward me and His grace wash over me.

Grace.

I have made poor choices, and Sam knows. I have chosen wrong, I have  played on the devils playground too many times in my life, long before I even knew him who will be my husband. And he knows this, because he knows me.. All of me. And yet, even at my worst, when I disappoint him with my words or with my actions, when I fail at building him up, when the ugly parts of me show and he realizes I am not all good all the time, even then he turns his face toward me and his eyes show love and his hands are gentle and he pours out favor I do not deserve. 

Grace.

He looks at me as though I could do nothing wrong, even though he knows my flesh. When I finally get to see my Savior face to face, I will feel ashamed of my sin, but I know He will see me only as one made perfect by the blood of the Lamb. I imagine that the way He will look at me, showing only grace, will be so much like the way that my fiancé looks at me on a daily basis. I see Jesus in him, and I feel Jesus in the way he loves me, unconditionally.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

 Grace.

catch up and kick off

Oh my word. Ya'll. Time is flying.

Like, I have always known time goes quickly. But days and weeks and months are literally passing at light speed and there is no slowing it down.

I know it's been a while since I last blogged, so this is going to be a catch up post and a kick off post... catching up over the last two months, and kicking off a new season of yet another attempt at consistently blogging. Round and round we go :)

We bought a house. A real, live, 3-bedroom 2-bathroom one story house with a pool. Sam moved in the day we closed (January 2nd), and Delilah moved in a couple weeks later once there weren't so many boxes. We have spent the last two months painting every room in the house (all we lack is the office), cleaning and organizing, and are now working on refinishing the kitchen cabinets. It is so fun decorating and planning together... even the parts where we disagree on shower curtains and wall colors. More on that at a later date. I'm still at my apartment (obviously) until we get married. Which bring me to the next news:

We have set a date! Friday August 29, 2014 will be the day I become Mrs. Samuel Ford Smith. It is exactly 170 days away. That feels like an eternity, lets be honest. But we know it's not, and like I've already said, time is flying.

Between painting and remodeling and bargain shopping for cool furniture, we are planning a wedding! It's going to be back home in Tennessee, which makes planning easier and harder at the same time. Harder in that we are essentially making decisions like venue and photographer and cake maker and flower arrangments blindly, easier in that we have a wedding coordinator who is doing most of the work and all we have to do is email her haha. It's coming together, that's for sure. And I found my dress!

Wait, let me back up. I forgot to tell you that we did some traveling in February. Sam made the trek across a few countries and went to the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Yes, I'm serious. To Russia, by himself, to stay in a hotel he found by looking at Google Maps, to take a train into Sochi every day for a week to watch Olympic Events like curling and ice hockey and the biathlon. He's crazy, and independent, and adventurous. That's why I love him, duh. While he went there, I took a few days off work and went to Tennessee to do some wedding stuff. I had 2 full days. In those two days, I found my wedding dress, toured the venue we had already booked but had never seen, and met with our photographer who we had never met before. Also I met my new baby cousin, spent time with my fam, and had a birthday dinner. It was a super productive few days!

this is my "I found a dress!" face. It was a long day, don't judge my hair

#SaminSochi #thecutest

I forgot something else. Before we traveled, we got to spend an entire weekend with over 1000 kids 7th-12th grade at Prestonwood's biggest student event of the year, Freedom. It was absolutely amazing to watch God move in the lives of our students and staff and ourselves. Like, really, amazing.

In other news, I'm still loving my job. I love my coworkers and am slowly but surely making friends that I can get lunch with and do life with outside of work. It's exciting to see relationships transition to that. Sam is still loving his new job as student minister as well, and he's still rocking it, of course. It's kinda what we do. Our students are what consumes the majority of our time and the great majority of our hearts and prayers. There are no other people in the world we would rather do life with.

Our most recent adventures took place this past weekend. My best friends from college came to visit for the weekend, which could not have been more fun. It was the ultimate sleepover weekend, complete with moving matresses to sleep in the same room so we could stay up til 3 am talking about boys and late night Walmart trips that ended with dying hair. Besides the fun, it is so refreshing to share how God has been faithful to us and how God is teaching and growing us. Soul sisters are the best.

And at the tail end of the weekend, Sam did a little more traveling back to Tennessee to Chattanooga. This is where we are taking Junior High students for a mission trip this summer, so he went to preview the facility and make a game plan for July. Just an overnight trip, but I'm glad he's home.

I think that pretty much brings you up to speed. Fill in the few gaps that there are with budgeting money, watching Netflix, cooking dinner, packing lunches, and learning how to merge two separate lives into one that revolves around THE One, and there you have it!

Promise I won't let so much time pass before we talk again.

Love from Texas!

will you marry me?

Finally... the engagement story.

I know, it's taken forever. Heres the thing... our life is cray. Between getting engaged, flying to Tennessee, driving to Kentucky, and flying back to Texas, buying a house and moving Sam in, beginning the painting process, working full time at the hospital, and both of us being at the church and with kids more than full time, it has taken me a while to get to this post. Thank you for your patience. :)

So, Sam and I have known each other since college. When we were in Knoxville we used to go down by the Tennessee River pretty much on the reg and sit on a little dock that stretched out over the water. We would go to Wendy's and get twisted M&M frosties and sit for hours talking about life. I can remember one of the last times we got to go down by the river before we both left town (him for Texas, me for Haiti), I sat as close to him as I could, hyperaware of where his hands were the whole 2 hours and desperately wishing he would just kiss me already (knowing full well he was too much of a gentleman to kiss me just to leave when we weren't even dating).

Anyway, on Christmas day we flew standby home from Texas. We were out late the night before at a family friend's house for Christmas Eve, and we literally had to drag each other to the airport at 5am Christmas morning in an attempt to get on the first flight to Atlanta. Neither of us had flown standby before, so we were both a little anxious about it, especially after receiving an email from my uncle (who graciously gave us buddy passes to get home) saying that the first flight would most likely be full. We waited at the gate, constantly checking the screen to see if our seats had been assigned. I had already begun the process of talking Sam into thinking it would be fun if we didn't get on the first one because then we could play cards for another two hours when he exclaimed "Get your bags! We are on the screen!" We were literally among the last 5 people to board the plane. So much for my morning of card-playing.

We flew from Dallas to Atlanta, got off the plane, made a quick bathroom stop, and essentially got right on the plane bound for Nashville. Once in Nashville, we picked up our rental car and headed south toward home. I remember in the car leaving the airport Sam was complaining that his head was hurting. I know he keeps Excedrin in his backpack so I reached in the backseat and began to grope around in the front pocket to find it for him. He asked me to stop and let him get it himself, which I didn't think much of at the time but after the fact he told me the ring was in that pocket. :)

Pulling in to Lawrenceburg Sam said, "Hey, remember when I was here for your brother's wedding in July and we went to the park? You wanna do that today before dinner?" I thought back and remembered it well, sitting on the docks at Crockett Park the afternoon before I drove Sam back to the airport for him to fly back to Texas and leave me in Tennessee without him for the last time. "Sure," I said, "as long as I can take a nap first."

We parked the car in the driveway and greeted my family, made our way upstairs and put away our bags, and collapsed onto beds for afternoon naps. He woke me up about an hour later and we decided we had just enough time to go to the park before we had to be at Christmas dinner that night. It was a beautiful day, 60 degrees and crazy sunny. We drove through the park, twisting and turning between forests of bare trees, commenting on how much the look of the trees had changed since July. I thought to myself about how much we have changed since July as well.

Finally we arrived at the docks and he held my hand as we walked down the middle and out on to the left side, all the way to the end. We sat looking at the water which was so still it looked like a piece of glass, beautifully reflecting the winter scene that surrounded us. It was quiet, and I remember thinking that my heart felt full. We took a few selfies with Sam's phone, and I turned to press my back against his as we took in the serenity of the view in silence. Then he said, "I have something I want to read to you."

He began to read from Proverb 31. He read:

"An excellent wife who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.

She is like the ships of the merchant, she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates."

 

He finished and said, "I think this is something a lot of women are trying to be, but when I read it I think about you because it's what you already are." I smiled. And then I told him I wanted to read something to him as well. [No, I did not know all along that this is why we were going to the park, but once he read the scripture I had pretty much figured it out. And, confession, I had thought extensively about what it would be like when he finally asked me and what I would say, so I was well prepared].

 

I read Ruth 1:16-17:

"... For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God shall be my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you."

 

This is my commitment to him, now and always. When I finished, I could feel him shaking, our backs still touching. Then he said, "Now I need to ask you a question." I said, "Okay, what?" He said, "You have to stand up." To which I replied, "Shut. Up." We pulled each other up from the dock giggling and laughing, I was too excited and kept kissing him before he could form words. He bent to one knee and pulled the box from his pocket, opened it before me and when he looked up at me and I looked down at him, I could feel it in my soul, this longing to be one with him.

 "Chelsey, will you marry me?"

 

I pulled him up from his knee by the face, kissing him wildly and exclaiming my resounding "Yes!!" He put the ring on my finger and it fit perfectly. He turned me around and pointed to a porch and some trees where my two youngest sisters were hiding, capturing the whole thing in pictures. It was beautiful, and holy, and Jesus-filled, exactly as it should be.

I always thought it would be weird to wear a ring on my left fourth finger, but now my hand feels naked without it. I always thought it would be strange to share my whole entire life with someone else, but now I can't imagine doing life without him.

his hands

I met him in 2009, when we were still fresh out of the protection of our homes and just learning to sink or swim in the "real world."

I imagine that I shook his hand then, when I met him, I don't remember. We worked beside each other, and sat beside each other, and prayed beside each other, and did life beside each other for years. We knew each others heartbreak and joys and sadness and all the ins and outs that life served us. We knew each other, in the way that friends who share the same heart for Christ know each other. But I never noticed his hands, until I held them.

My initial observation when I held them for the first time this past summer is that they are strong, and grown. When I look at his hands, I can see that he is a man now, no longer a growing-up kid feeling his way through life like one feels their way through the dark. Life has grown him, and he is wiser, and stronger. I can see it in his hands.

His hands are gentle in a way that I cannot comprehend, in a way that makes me want to handle the people around me more carefully. They show love without overlooking sin, his hands know truth.

They have lines that run deep with hurt that he didn't deserve, from things in life that weren't fair and loss that is impossible to comprehend. And he thinks he doesn't know mercy, but I see where he has filled the spaces between the hurt with grace and love and forgiveness for those who caused the pain. Yes, he knows mercy.

His hands are calloused from working hard to do his best, at everything, always. Callouses from self discipline and self control that have pushed him on toward fulfilling his potential. And there has been and still is disappointment, when he feels like he doesn't measure up. But I see how he actually overfills every expectation I have ever had, in everything, always.

His hand rests on my leg when we ride in the car, even if we are just going down the street. And in a crowd, his hand is on my back, reassuring me that he is there and he isn't leaving me and he isn't afraid for everyone to know I am his. The first time he whispered to me that he loves me, his hands brushed my curls back out of my face so he could look me square in the eye. And when we bow our heads and close our eyes and approach the Throne in prayer, whether we are in a church full of 7000 people or a small circle of close friends or alone on the couch, his hand finds mine so we go together to the Creator, always.

We met in 2009, and we knew each other like brothers and sisters of the same Father know each other. We fell in love, at some point, I don't think either of us can say exactly when. Now we know each other like two people who share a soul. I see him, and I see his hands. And I can't believe that I will be holding these hands that I love so much for the rest of my life. "Thank you, Jesus" is inexpressibly insufficient.

[the engagement story to follow. stay tuned...]