Tuesday, June 2, 2015

she will watch me

Two years ago for Memorial Day Weekend I spent some time with my family on the lake of Joe Wheeler State Park. We spent hours and hours out on the water in the boat, tubing, on jet skis, lying on the docks, and fishing. The weather was beautiful and breezy and the company couldn't have been any better. It was a glorious few days.

I remember one evening after a full day of being out in the sun my sisters and I all gathered in the bathroom getting ready for the evening. We were headed to the cabin next door where our extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents were staying to celebrate my aunt's birthday. Of course being that we had all been kissed by the sun for hours and had used soaking in the river as an alternative to washing our hair, we all had our share of "river rat" look. Still, we put on real clothes and tamed our manes in front of the mirror.

As we stood all 4 of us side by side fighting for elbow room in the tiny bathroom, I noticed my youngest sister who was then 17 years old looking at herself next to me. I studied her suntanned face and curly hair (taking note of how much she resembled me.) "I think we shouldn't wear makeup tonight. Our faces look pretty enough cause they're tan and it'll mostly be just family anyway," I stated. She agreed and we both made our way back to the living room to the couch.
u
We waited around for the boys to come in off the water and helped Mama in the kitchen for a while, getting things ready for supper. There was a small mirror in the living room and each time I passed it I took the usual and habitual survey of myself, as all women do. After about the fourth time of seeing myself in the mirror I decided the spaces below my eyes that don't tan were a bit too white for the rest of my rose-colored face. So I proceeded back to the bathroom to add a little foundation here and there.

I dabbed away at the pale places and added some blush here and there, just for good measure. My youngest sister appeared in the doorway. "Uh! You said we weren't wearing makeup. Why are you putting on foundation?" I responded that I was simply "evening things out." She looked at me and then at herself in the mirror... again I recognized how similar we looked. She studied her own face intentionally and then pondered, "Well," she said, "Do I need to even things out too?"

I assured her repeatedly "Of course not. You look fine! Your face looks good with the amount of sun it got today." She looked at me and looked back at her reflection, clearly unconvinced. She finally decided her skin tone was too uneven as well and began dabbing away at the white spaces under her big blue eyes.

At the time, I thought nothing of this encounter. But as I count down the days to finally meeting my baby girl and beginning the adventure of raising a daughter, this memory keeps circulating in my mind. I truly believed my baby sister looked beautiful the way she was, but I didn't believe it about myself. Just saying it wasn't enough.. she was watching my actions. When they didn't match, the actions won.

How will I teach my baby girl that she is beautiful because she was made by the King of the Universe and not because she is a size 2 and wears tight jeans? How will I teach her that the most beautiful part of her is a heart that loves her God and loves others and not her legs or hips or chest? How will I teach my little girl that she doesn't need expensive clothes or jewelry or makeup to be the prettiest version of herself she can be?

She will not learn these things just from me telling her or writing them down for her or posting them on her bathroom mirror. She will watch me and see what I do, how I value myself, where I find my worth. She will take note of how much time and energy I spend on my outward appearance and how much time and energy I spend on making my heart more beautiful and more likened to serving others.

She may not listen to me, especially as she grows. But Lord, help me, for she will watch me.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful and well written as always.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great story! I was literally just talking about children mimicking parents actions and I posted a picture of a toddler weighing herself on a scale. We often do not think about these little gestures and how people are modeling after us. Congrats on the having a baby girl also! Thanks for sharing.:)

    ReplyDelete