frozen by fear

Pretty frequently people ask me, "Why do you blog?" And I usually shrug and reply... "Um, because I like to?" And thats that. But lately I've been thinking a lot about what makes me do what I do. Why do I journal? Why do I read? Why do I feel the need to draw the hurt out of people? Why do I find such joy in the moments when close friends [or sometimes complete strangers] unload their burden on me and let me carry some for a while? What motive fuels my actions? What makes me the way I am?

Big questions, that will take a lifetime to answer.

I want to be SIGNIFICANT. I want to change things and change people. I want to dream big and help other people dream bigger and then accomplish those goals. I want to glorify God. I want to create new things and feel new things and BE something. I want to be someone that makes an impression on people... that sparks a desire deep in their hearts to be more than they are. I want to show people they are important, and they are worth it. I want to teach kids that they are beautiful and amazing, no matter who they are, and they can do anything in this world that they want. I want to tell every high school freshmen to remember that high school won't last forever. I want to tell every college student in their last year that the world is HARD, and they really need to get ready for life to change, but that if we don't change we cannot grow. I want to hug the neck of every ran-ragged mama who is doing her best to raise rugrats and tell her she's doing great... that as long as she LOVES them, they will be fine. I want to squeeze the hands of every old person on their death bed who is wondering if their life counted, and tell them that yes, yes, it counted... that they won't be forgotten, that they mattered. And every widow, I want to tell them they are not alone. And every person with cancer, I want to tell them that no matter what the odds are, they should fight. And every victim of abuse that they are worth more and they deserve better and this is not as good as it gets. And everyone contemplating suicide I want to tell them that this life is worth living, that good will come, that the darkness will lift eventually, just to wait. And every addict who keeps slipping or is thinking about slipping on purpose... I want to tell them to hang on, just hang on, don't do it... there is a better way. I want to tell every kid without parents that they aren't forgotten and that they are loved. I want to tell every parent without kids to take heart... to push on, to keep going forward.

I want to wrap up the whole big huge hurting human race and bring them all to Jesus to be healed. I want to gather everyone I know and don't know and everyone whose been before and will come after and I want them to feel the peace and healing that only Jesus can give. But I am timid. and self conscious. and I get nervous about what people will think. and I don't like to be rejected. And people.. some of them won't listen. and they are just angry. and they don't want healing, at least not from the God they blame for their hurts. So most days, I sit back in despair. I let fear overcome me... the fear of helplessness, the fear of insignificance... of living a life that won't amount to anything and that has no purpose and changes nothing. And that fear is paralyzing.

I wonder how many people feel the same way. Aching in their souls to DO SOMETHING. to CHANGE SOMETHING. to live a life that matters. And I wonder what would happen if we were no longer frozen by fear, but rather we MOVED. I want to move. I want to do something. And I know that this is God's Will for us. Not to be frozen. Not to be afraid, no matter what life looks like. No matter how big the waves or how ferocious the storm... "Don't be afraid," he said, "Take courage, I AM HERE!" [Matthew 14:27]