great expectations.

You know that feeling of expecting something great to happen? Like if you have been waiting and waiting for a promotion at work and you feel you've finally earned it, a position is available, your boss calls you into his office "to talk" and you're sure it's your big break? Or if you prepare for hours for an exam, leave the test feeling like you rocked it, 24 hrs later see that the results are up and you are certain that when you click the link you will have aced it? Or if you and another person are praying about dating each other, you are sure that God has told you it is right, and you decide you are going to tell the other person, certain that they heard the same thing? That anticipation, that excitement, that feeling in your stomach of expecting something great. And then right before it's going to happen, you get that flutter of anxiety where your heart beats faster and your palms maybe sweat and you talk really fast and you almost have a sort of out of body experience.

You know that feeling of expecting something great to happen.... and then, it doesn't. That sinking feeling, like you got shot in the chest, like you're having to tell your lungs to breathe. When you get fired instead of promoted, or get a C in place of an A, or the person you're in love with doesn't love you back. We know that feeling all too well I'm afraid. With every expectation comes the opportunity for disappointment, and disappointment is heart breaking. This is especially true if you continue to be disappointed by the same situation or person over and over. Sometimes I feel like I have a certain amount of expectation for someone or something, and each time I am disappointed my level of expectation drops, until eventually I grow to not expect much of anything.

Yesterday I read the first 5 chapters of the Book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah was a prophet chosen by God to speak to the people of Israel on His behalf. In these first few chapters, God is addressing the actions of the people of Israel who have turned from Him and have begun and continued to worship false gods [such as golden calves]. It is verse after verse of God warning the people to turn back and return to Him. I got to Jeremiah 3:19 and my heart just broke. The end of the verse reads, "You would call me 'My Father,' I thought, and never cease following me." God allowed Himself to expect this from the Israelites. He got that excited feeling, that expectation of something great to come. Then in verse 20: "But like a woman faithless to her lover, even so have you been faithless to me." He also felt the sinking, the shot to the heart of having his expectations be met by nothing less than disappointment. He felt just like we feel.

I imagine it is similar to the way that KenKen's daddy is going to feel in a few days. We met with his mother and reported the test results. She was almost altogether unphased, which indicated to us that she already knew. She looks to be wasting away herself, and is most likely infected with the HIV virus as well. On top of that, she had a child before KenKen who also died as a baby and she couldn't tell us why. She threw in yet another facet of this situation that is going to change their lives when she told us that the first baby was not from KenKen's dad, and that she was worried about telling him the baby is positive because he will most likely blame her for giving it to him [which she most likely did]. So for now, KenKen's daddy does not know the fate of his baby. He knows that KenKen is sick with pneumonia, and that we are still running tests. He and his wife both agreed to get tested for HIV so we took them today but won't have the results for a week. We don't and probably never will know the whole story, but I imagine that his daddy is expecting his son to get well. He is probably expecting him to get medicine and love and come home all better. How great will the heartbreak be when he learns that this is not the case, and that his only son probably only has a few months left to live. The pit and pain of disappointment will be upon him in a way he may have never known before.

I know he is not the only one getting disappointing news. You too may be facing something that has disappointed you.. something you had great expectations for and when you learn that things aren't how you planned, you will be disappointed. I am learning this lesson alongside you and KenKen's daddy. It is part of living... to expect and to be disappointed. So does this mean we should stop expecting?

Jeremiah 3:12 reads, "Return, rebel Israel, says the LORD. I will not remain angry with you, for I am merciful." He said this after they had disappointed Him over and over and over and over, turning their backs and choosing other things over Him. And He knew that they would continue in their ways. Yet He offers forgiveness, mercy, and pardon. Even when they have hurt Him to His core, He offers to take them back. And this, brothers and sisters, is what we are called to do. No matter how many times we are disappointed, we are to press onward with great expectations for our God. I know it is hard, and it hurts, but we must continue to walk loving those around us, trusting them, expecting great things because our God did not give up on us and therefore we must not give up on each other.

KenKen on the way home from the HIV clinic today.

Please pray for this sweet family in the week to come. Their lives will be forever altered, and change is hard. I will continue to keep you updated on KenKen's life as things develop. For now, his mother asked us to care for him until the test results are back. So, I'm crossing my fingers for a night full of rest with this precious baby boy. Goodnight from Haiti!