Thursday, March 9, 2017

the button-downs


When I chose to become a nurse, I really thought that the amount of ironing I would be doing for the rest of my life would be minimal, what with the scrubs and all. And then, I married a minister.

So many button downs, ya'll.
Like, so many.

Today I stood over the ironing board with the toddler hanging from my leg and the baby bouncing in his seat on the table in front of me and I thought about my husband and our marriage. We've been married now for 2 years and almost 7 months. To some of you, that seems like forever. To some of you, you're laughing thinking, "Wow, they're just getting started." While that is true in light of a lifetime, two houses, two dogs, and two kids into this thing I can tell you we've learned one thing for sure:

This marriage gig isn't for the faint of heart.

It is fun and exciting and romantic and reassuring and my sanity most days and easily the best thing that's ever happened to me. But lets be real, it isn't always all of those things, and even on the best days, it just ain't easy.

There are, however, a handful of habits Sam and I have developed that I believe play a major role in keeping this ship from sinking. Top 5, here we go!

1. Sam calls on his way home.
Ministry, as many of you know, is not a 9-5 job. More often than not, Sam isn't home at the time he thought he would be, or a ball game he goes to is cancelled last minute, or a leader lunch pops up just as I'm about to start miracle whipping bread for sandwiches. I've learned that this comes with the territory (in the same way that Sam had to learn to tolerate my cat that was part of the deal when he married me), and honestly it doesn't bother me anymore. What does bother me is not knowing whats going on. So Sam has gotten really good at letting me know! He calls me every day around 5 and lets me know if he's coming home or how long he'll be. He sends a quick text when he leaves a ball field and always asks if he needs to pick anything up on his way home. He tells me on Sunday afternoons his best guess at what lunches look like for the week. This makes all the difference to a wife who has been home with two babies all day watching the clock inch closer to 5:00 so she can get a little adult interaction. As long as I know what the plan is, I'm okay if 5:00 turns into 7.

2. We go to bed together.
If at all possible, we get in bed at the same time. The newborn stage has a way of throwing that routine off, but now that our chunky little 3 month old guy has moved to his own room, we are back to our usual. Even if I'm he's not sleepy, he reads beside me while I fall asleep. Even if I cannot sleep because there is a craft spread out in the living room begging to be finished, I lay down with him until I hear him heavy sleep breathing and then I creep out of bed and turn on the low lights and get back to work. Sometimes we talk about our day, sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we laugh until we cry, sometimes we make fun of each other, and sometimes we lay in silence on our respective sides of the bed until we are both snoozing. But we always go to bed together.

3. We go to a main worship service together.
Let me be real honest. We are at the church basically every time the doors are open. Sam works there every day. The kids go to "school" there once a week and the nursery at least twice more. I go to Bible study on Wednesdays. We play at the playground on Thursdays. The church is our home away from home. So sometimes, the last thing I want to do is go to a church service we aren't required to be at. But we decided about a year ago to make attending a main worship service together a priority, and it has made a huge difference in our marriage. Something about sitting together, just husband and wife, worshipping side by side, listening to a message, comparing notes, learning more every time about who Jesus is... something about that puts a shield around your marriage that Satan cannot penetrate.

4. I regularly bring up the topic of "how can I love you better?"
I want to make sure you catch that... I regularly bring it up. It has been a process but I have learned that it just isn't in most men's genes to analyze and reflect and dig deep on their own to ask such questions. So I take the responsibility and I ask him often for specific ways that I can do a better job as a wife. Sometimes he brings something major to my attention that I didn't even realize I was doing or not doing. Sometimes he can't think of a single thing to say (this literally blows my mind). And sometimes he gives me a very practical and simple thing, such as "It would really make my life easier if you could iron my button-down shirts so that I don't have to every morning." [Hence, the ironing board I was hovering over when all of this occurred to me today]. Let me be clear, I never ask him this so that he will ask me. Manipulation has no place in a healthy marriage. But this question alone has sparked so many healthy conversations that we always come out of knowing each other and loving each other better.

5. No question or comment is off limits, provided it is delivered with gentleness and love.
This is perhaps the most important and effective thing for us. We both know and are confident that we can ask any question or make any observation or request at any time and it will be received with grace. We read each others emails, look through each others phones, talk openly about each of our extended families, critique each other's parenting styles. I tell Sam when I need him to hold my hand more and he tells me if there is a particular shirt I wear that he just really doesn't like (and I reluctantly get rid of it, even if it is a sweater with ruffles at the wrists that make me feel like a shetland pony, which I love). Once a week even, one of us asks the other "Is there anything you've been thinking about that you want to talk about?" (I almost always have something. He rarely does. Boys.) Of course, we do not always agree and we often have lengthy discussions before finding common ground, but still we both know no topic is off limits.

It isn't all roses and rainbows, but it is always worth it. Working to love each other better makes us look more like Christ, and thats what we're striving for.

What are some things you've found that help keep your marriage afloat? Impart your wisdom, we all know you've got some!


No comments:

Post a Comment