2012 [in snap shots]

January 2012

I got to go to Passion 2012, which was lifechanging and heartbreaking and really challenged us all to DO SOMETHING.

 I returned to Haiti, where I'd left my heart.

February 2012

I turned 24, in Santiago, Dominican Republic, while watching 4 kids' lives be saved by open heart surgeries that made them well.

March 2012

I got to see a little girl eat a popsicle for the first time. It was priceless.

I got to serve in Haiti with my brothers and sisters and parents in Christ, my Calvary family. I can't even explain how much of a blessing it was.

April 2012

God called me to make America my physical home again. Now I have two homes in my heart. Leaving my friends and family in Haiti and not knowing when I'll see them again was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

May 2012

I had one of the toughest months of my life trying to readjust to American life. It felt like I didn't fit in, and no one understood what I was going through. Praise the Lord for friends and family who loved me through it.

I was a bridesmaid in my beautiful friend Elizabeth's wedding!

We grieved [though some of us miles away] the loss of a precious baby boy who lost his short fight with AIDS.

June 2012

I spent a fabulous weekend at the river with the majority of my sweet fam! [missed my sis, of course]

I was a bridesmaid in my beautiful friend Kristen's wedding!

July 2012

We went on our annual vacation to Panama City Beach! So much fun!

Then, I had my heart broken by a boy like I never thought possible.

August 2012

I began the extremely long and painful process of embracing this verse with all my heart.

The baby girl that I love more than anything in the world started WALKING! And I got to see it via Skype :)

I got my first big girl job, and moved, yet again, to a new city.

September 2012

I went to the county fair and rode the Tilt-a-Whirl for the first time in several years. Basically a blast!

October 2012

I decorated tons of pumpkins for Halloween!

And only by the grace and mercy of God was I able to completely understand and conquer the bitterness in my heart and the amount of freedom that comes with forgiving others.

November 2012

I worked my first holiday [definitely won't be the last... turns out people still get sick, even on Thanksgiving and Christmas]. But because of that I got to celebrate Thanksgiving with some extended family in Murfreesboro!

And I learned how to Geocache.

December 2012

I took my Daddy to a candy store.

I gave my big dog a tasty ham bone.

And I got to spend time with my family/best friends, who I wouldn't trade for the world.

This is my life in snapshots from 2012. I got a new devotional for Christmas and couldn't wait to start it so I started on December 31st. That entry is focused on 1 Samuel 7:12 which reads "Thus far has the Lord helped us." It focuses in on the phrase "thus far." This phrase points toward the past, and as I look back on 2012 I would say it was most likely the hardest year of my life to date. I can also confidently say that my God was faithful through it all. I grew so much and learned so much and He never left me... He carried me through it all, as my Provider and my Protector, even on the toughest days. "Thus far" also points toward the future.. it indicates that there is more to come. I know there are more trials to come, more learning and growing to take place in 2013 and the years after that. But I also know that my God never leaves. He's been with me thus far, and He always will be. So it is with high expectations and great joy that I tip my hat to 2012 and say farewell, and turn my gaze forward with a smirk as if to say, "2013, bring it on."

learning truth

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray."   Psalm 5:1

As you probably know, I'm in Santiago with 4 Haitian children who are in desperate need of open heart surgery. A few days ago when we got here, one of our patients had to go straight to the hospital because he is so sick. They gave him a 60% chance of coming out of the operating room alive. His name is Roosevelt, and he is pictured to the left. When I got the call from the hospital that this was the situation, I went downstairs and explained what was going on to the other children and guardians, 2 of which knew Roosevelt before they got here. They looked concerned, and in my broken Creole I said something like "He is very sick, but God is good. We need to be praying for him." They smiled and nodded, and I proceeded back up the stairs to my little bedroom, got back on my bed and put my computer back on my lap. I closed my eyes and said about a 15 second prayer that God would watch over Roosevelt, be with the doctors, calm and comfort everyone involved. And then I opened my eyes and continued Facebook stalking and looking for crafts on Pintrest, and that was that.

About 15 minutes later, I heard singing from downstairs. I recognized the songs from church, even though they were in Creole obviously, and so I crept down the stairs to see who was singing. When I got to the bottom, I saw both of the ladies who are guardians for 2 of the kids sitting at the kitchen table, Bibles in hand, singing, praying, and weeping to God to heal Roosevelt. They were literally on their faces, crying out in loud and bold voices, unafraid and unashamed. Initially, I was mezmerised. And then, I was taken aback by my own selfishness and lack of faith in God. I had said a 15 second prayer that was pretty standard and not really heartfelt, just an action really. And here these ladies were literally weeping before God, begging Him to heal Roosevelt, in complete faith. I got my Bible, and I sat and prayed with them. There we were, 2 Haitian ladies and myself, all lifting up prayers aloud to the same God, even if they were in 2 different languages. Together we shouted our petitions and praised our Jesus and professed faith that Our God is greater. And the Spirit met us and filled the room. I was beyond blessed.

Today, Roosevelt had his surgery. It took about 6 hours, and the doctors weren't hopeful. But at 6:30 I got to go to the recovery room to see him, disoriented and totally confused from the medicine, but alive and breathing and awake and asking for water. It's amazing the people that God chooses to use to teach us things when we are open to learning. Praise our Jesus!

God has been teaching me a multitude of other things the last few days. I have had a lot of time to be in the Word and in prayer, and I've been so excited about the things He is teaching me. Some of them don't make complete sense to me yet, but I'll tell you anyway.

If I ask for wisdom in complete faith, He will give it to me gladly. [James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."

I've been studying the Old Testament books [currently in Deuteronomy] and the reality of Judaism and why Jesus was so radical to them is making so much more sense! It's exciting to me! I've never studied the Old Testament for myself, but the New Testament makes so much more sense and is so much sweeter when you get the whole picture... try it, you'll like it :)

You probably know, but I REALLY want kids. Actually, I plan to have one in about 1445 days. [kinda joking, kinda not hahaha] Sometimes I get overwhelmed at the idea of raising them though, and teaching them about the Lord without turning them off by force feeding them the Word. But, God taught me this week that all I [and my husband, obvs.] have to do is be people of His and people of the Word and if WE embrace God and if WE fall in love with scripture, our children will too. [Deuteronomy 6:7 "You shall teach them [God's words] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.]

I have been coming face to face with the idea of predestination for a while now, and have been ignoring it. I'm not debating it here, because it's too intense and I don't have an answer. What God has taught me, though, is that He is the Potter, and I [as his child] am merely the clay. [Romans 9-- please go read it if you're not familiar. It'll blow your mind.] So whatever the truth is about free will and predestination, ultimately it doesn't change who He is to me and who I am in Him. I have decided that it is more important to put my energy in to submission rather than trying to figure Him out. After all, it's impossible for a silly mortal such as I to do so anyway. [Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."]

What has God been teaching you lately? Seriously, share it with me. I wanna learn too :)

I am Israel.

I realize that since I have gotten back to Haiti I haven't written nearly as much as I used to. Believe me, it's not because there isn't anything to say. Mostly it's because I haven't known how to say it or where to start, and I still don't really. What I know is that I am sure that we cannot see ourselves clearly until the Lord lets us, and He has just recently opened my eyes to how much I am like Israel in the Old Testament.

I know some of you automatically tune out after seeing an Old Testament reference, but seriously, stick with me.. it makes sense, promise. All through the Old Testament Israel struggled to walk with God. He made huge promises to them and laid out the necessary things to do and the repercussions for not obeying over and over and over and over, and yet they still panicked every time things got hard. He brought them out of years and years of slavery in Egypt for goodness sake, and some days they whined and cried about that even. Well, this is where I have been. You have probably gathered that this trip to Haiti is MUCH harder for me than the first go round. I miss John more than anything... I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss having a job, I miss stores, I miss being able to create things and do artwork and craft, I miss good internet, I miss driving. I miss everything, about 100x more than I missed it last time. And I have been living in that mindset of missing things since I got back here, and I want to be transparent and tell you that parts of me are still there.

There are lots of changes going on with Chadasha here in Haiti. And we all know how hard change can be for everyone involved. So I feel like the past few weeks of being back here have been spent balancing things, people, situations, and my own self. And balancing is HARD WORK. And it's not fun, and it's uncomfortable, and it's not what I want to be doing. And this is where I relate to the people of Israel. When they get tired of eating mana, they complain. When they get thirsy, they complain. When they see all the people occupying the Promise Land, they complain. They fret and worry and start looking for a way out, speaking out against the God who brought them where they were. And I did all of these things, internally. I have been complaining and crying and fretting and freaking out basically because this isn't easy for me right now. But just because it isn't easy doesn't mean there's not a purpose. The hard times are the times that are most often used to grow me and teach me.  

James 1:2-3 says "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter trials of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Praise the Lord for the times that He reveals Truth to me.  Praise the Lord for the way that he helps me reframe my situation and get a new perspective. And with His Grace alone I am trying to embrace these verses every morning, noon, and night. Because it is joy for me to suffer for my Lord. I am priviledged to be able to bear a burden for His Name. And so I will rejoice!

On Sunday I leave for the Dominican Republic for another round of heart surgeries. As of now, there will be 3 kids and 3 guardians traveling with us and each will receive much needed surgery. Their names are Guyito, Rutherchy, and Sophonie. Prayers for us all as we prepare would be great. I will give you details about them and the trip as it unfolds! For now, I pray that God reveals things to you about yourself today that you didn't know before. I pray that He helps you to reframe and get perspective and I pray that you allow Him to change your heart to make it more like His. Love you friends!

me and some of the kids waiting to get dental work done before we get to Santiago!

Oh 2011...

Oh 2011... what a year! If every year of my life is as eventful as 2011, I will die of a heart attack before I'm 50, guaranteed haha. It was a year of tremendous personal growth, learning, sacrifice, and blessings. Below I've highlighted some of the major life events that I passed through during each month of 2011.

January: I started a New Years Resolution [for the first time], and kept it :) I also went to Passion 2011, which was life-changing, as usual.

Feburary: I turned 23 [which feels old, but I know it's not]. I also survived the snowiest month of my life.

March: I made my first trip to Haiti with Calvary Baptist Church.

April: I did 9 12 hour shifts on an oncology floor as my nursing preceptorship. I also visited the Ripley's Aquarium with my amazing community group.

May: I graduated from the University of Tennessee with a Bachelor's Degree in the Science of Nursing. Praise the Lord!

June: I was led by the Spirit and in obedience ended the relationship with the man I want to marry. And I got to start spending time with a little girl who I came to love like she was my own kid. And I dyed a piece of my hair hot pink!

July: I went to the beach on our annual family vacation to Panama City Beach, Florida! And I also got to spend a week doing crazy stuff with some awesome kids from Calvary. And I also said goodbye to some amazing friends that I had a fabulous summer in Knoxville with.

August: I was the Maid of Honor for my Sis who got married! And I moved to Haiti for a spell. :)

September: I watched my first patient/babygirl/friend go to be with Jesus.

October: God gave me back the relationship I had ended out of obedience, Praise the Lord! His timing is better than mine, always.

November: I got to watch the lives of 5 children be saved by desperately needed heart surgeries.

December: I got to come home and spend Christmas with my family and friends who I missed more than words can explain.

As I reflect on 2011, I can see how things have changed drastically in every aspect from where I live to the languages I speak to the friends I have to things God is teaching me to the presence of God in my life. Change is sometimes scary and isn't always fun. But if things don't change, we can't grow. You may be with me in being a bit apprehensive about the changes that 2012 may hold. Come friends, and find rest! Come and find peace! Rejoice! And cling to this promise: "Jesus Christ is the same YESTERDAY, TODAY, and FOREVER!" Hebrews 13:8.

Cannot wait to see what God does in me and in you and in this world in the coming year. Happy New Year!

meantime mommy

The word "meantime" is defined as "the time between events." When I think about it, a lot of our life is spent in "the meantime." The meantime seems insignificant, because the big events are what we expect to define our lives. But I'm seeing more and more that the meantime is actually what makes our lives what they are. The meantime and how we respond to it is what makes us who we are.

As you know, in Haiti I am blessed with the opportunity to play Mom for a lot of babies. I'll never actually be their mothers who will provide for them and watch them grow up and such for the rest of their lives. But for now, I am their mom, until they can go home to their parents. I am a mommy in the meantime.. a "meantime mommy." And I love it.

Being a meantime mommy comes with many gifts! I get to love babies to death and not care if I spoil them rotten because I'm not going to be the one dealing with a rotten 3 year old haha. I get to watch moms and dads come and love their babies, and then I get to be the one to comfort and reassure them that I'm taking care of their kids until they can come back. I get to pick out adorable outfits without having to buy clothes. I get to let babies sleep in my bed because I'm never going to have to break that habit for them. I also don't have to say goodbye often, and when I do I can say "I'm coming back soon!"

Some of the gifts are harder to bear than others... for example the idea that one day they WILL go home with their mommys, and my "meantime" will be over. But new kids will always come. My heart just has to learn to grow a little more to fit more people in it each time. I get to be sad and lonely and worry about them and miss them like they are my own while I'm home for the holidays. And right now, I also get to feel the joys of "hand-foot-mouth disease" that I'm pretty sure I contracted from one of my babies before I left Haiti haha. [don't worry... it goes away by itself in about 10 days]. Either way... whether the gifts are easy or hard, they are all beautiful, and I wouldn't trade a second of being a meantime mommy.

It's so good to be home. America is different from Haiti, and we are selfish and materialistic and greedy and sadly mistaken about the Gospel of the Lord. But Haiti has it's own set of qualities that are suffocating and obnoxious and heartbreaking... they are no better or no worse than America or any other country. This world is fallen, and it SHOULD BE heartbreaking because sin lives here and God doesn't live in every heart. So even through the things about America that frustrate me to tears sometimes, it's good to be home and to be back with my family and my friends and to be comfortable and at least know what to expect from the people around me, even if it's not always perfect.

And one more thing... today is the 1 year anniversary of the homecoming into Heaven of my sweet friend Megan Inman. It doesn't seem like it's been a whole year. I know this day is beyond hard for her family and friends, but we must remember that while we cry tears of sorrow here and celebrate the life she had, the angels and the Lord shout praises and thanksgiving for the life she started in Heaven 1 year ago today. Pray with me for peace and comfort, and constant reminders that God has not forgotten us.

A glimpse of life at home so far...

 

Happy 80th Birthday Nanny!!

delight and desires

Last week while we were in Santiago, I had the opportunity to care for sweet Zaikel [who is 3 years old] for several days and nights before his grandmother could get to the city. Part of our day included eating meals, as most people's days do. One night we were in a very Westernized restaurant called "Kukarra Makarra" that reminded me a lot of Texas Roadhouse in the States. It was relatively late and Zaikel hadn't had a nap the whole day, so he was tired. When the high chair came out for him, he pitched a fit because he didn't want to sit in it. Well, last time I checked, 3 year olds don't get to make their own decisions just yet [at least not if I'm in charge] and therefore he was made to sit in the high chair. 

He pouted and grumbled and fussed, and finally fell silent. I knew he was sleepy and that was why he was acting out, but still he had to learn he couldn't get his way just by pitching a fit. He had quickly come to agreement with the fact that he was going to sit there because I told him he was, and that was that. But I knew he was tired and needed to sleep, so after he was still and quiet, I picked him up and let him fall asleep in my lap. He was asleep within 5 minutes. So, he ended up getting what he wanted, but not because he wanted it... only because I allowed him to have it. Does that makes sense? Well, if it doesn't then read it again and maybe you'll get it. If not, well then.. just keep reading anyway.

Whats the point, you ask? The point is, after this story played out I realized that God was using it to teach me something far greater than how to discipline a 3 year old who is pitching an embarrassing fit in a restaurant. I was hit right in the face with the fact that this is exactly what God does in my life. I think I know best... I think that what I want is what I should have. I think that the desires of my heart should be fulfilled. Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."   So according to this scripture things should happen the way I want then, right? I thought this for a long time.. until God taught me what this scripture actually meant. 

Read the verse again, and focus on the first part instead of the second. "Delight yourself in the Lord." What does that mean? I have come to understand that it means emptying me of every single thing that I want. It means surrendering every aspect of every part of my life to God and letting Him do whatever He wants with it. Make no mistake, it isn't easy. Not one part of surrendering things that you love is easy. But what it comes down to is do you love Jesus more than your life and various aspects of it? Once you can say yes to that question, you can surrender. And the beautiful thing I have learned in the last few months is this: Once you surrender all your desires and make God's desires yours, He gives them back to you in a sweeter way then you could ever imagine. 

I know this to be true. I have seen it. And some time I hope to share with you the nitty gritty details because it's really a sweet story. But, for tonight this is all. 

tear-stained faces

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. To anyone and everyone who has been praying for us in the Dominican Republic this week. I have been repeatedly amazed at the way that God is healing these children. And I have been in daily astonishment that He has chosen me to help show them that this is His work, not that of surgeons or Chadasha or Christians or me… only Him. It’s really exciting!

So all the kids are doing great… Pricile went back for her checkup on Friday and they found a leak with fluid building around her heart. They took her almost immediately back to the OR and placed a drain to get the fluid off. Barring any more complications, she’ll be fine! Everyone else is out of the OR and will have checkups this coming Friday. If everything is good, back to Haiti next Saturday! All the kids and their guardians are homesick… they have never been out of their country before and I’m sure it is a very strange feeling for them. Also, they have sacrificed a great deal to be here, and have much to return to when they get home:

Pricile’s mom, Darlene, has a small ministry in her tent camp where she meets 3 times a week to pray with other believers.
Naika’s mom, Marijo, has a 4 month old baby girl at home she had to leave with her mom.
Zaikel’s grandmother, Avala, has 5 kids and 2 more grandkids living in her house.
Ysnadaire’s brother, Guerson, is missing school to be here [he’s studying English so he can get a student visa to come study in America].
Loundjenckia’s parents have a 5 year old child at home they had to leave with family.

These guardians need prayer.. For strength and stamina to continue the fight of saving their children’s lives. We often forget that this is not their only commitment.. They have lives just like we do that they are anxiously waiting to get back to.

Also I just wanted to give you a little glimpse of how these surgeries have already begun to change the lives of these kids. Our two sickest children, Ysnadaire and Pricile, both had oxygen saturation levels of 69-73% before we left Port au Prince. Ideally, these saturation levels don’t drop below 92% in healthy people. So these sats are really not good at all. And now, 2 days after surgery, Ysnadaire’s oxygen saturation is 91% on room air. And Pricile, 10 days post op has an oxygen saturation level of 95% on room air. They haven’t gotten the chance yet to walk without fatigue or climb stairs without getting short of breath, or play soccer with their friends, or laugh uncontrollably without coughing, but oh what I would give to see their faces light up when they realize the limitations that have been lifted off their lives!


Since the surgeries and recovery period are lasting longer than expected, I will be traveling back to Haiti tomorrow and Kensly will stay behind to finish up with the kids and families. I am homesick for Haiti as well, and am excited to return to Port au Prince [I miss my Chadasha family SO much]! I didn’t realize until today, however, how hard it is for me to leave these kids and their families. In a matter of 15 days, these children have dramatically impacted my life in a way that I will never forget their faces and their names. I had to say goodbye today, knowing that some of them I may never see again because they live so far away. I hugged their necks and kissed their faces and tried not to cry, but inevitably the end result was several moms and a couple kids and myself all with tear-stained faces. I love these people, and it’s hard to say goodbye to people that you love.

But just as He always does, God reminded me today that I have done by job here. I have fulfilled the plan He had laid for me with these heart surgeries. As I was leaving the hospital, Ysnadaire’s brother, Guerson, hugged me and in his best attempt at broken English said “Chelsey, I can see that you love these children, like they are your children. I am amazed at your love for them. You love Haitian people. You are not American, you are Haitian. I will tell my family about you. I wish I had a camera to take your picture so they could see your face, but I don’t. I will tell them about you though, because you love us so much.” Of course this gave me the perfect opportunity to tell him it’s not me, and it’s not my love… that I only love them because Jesus loves me. I only know how to love people by knowing the way that Jesus loves us. It was a beautiful moment, and it reassured me that God has used me here and I have served Him faithfully this past 2 weeks.

It also touched me because we had been thinking about a gift for these families to help them remember this adventure God has taken them on. This confirmed that the best gift would be a photo album for each of them with pictures from their trip here. So while I’m home in America I will print hundreds of pictures and make albums for each individual child that tells the story of how God saved their lives by fixing their hearts. We hope that one day this adventure will be part of their testimony of how they came to know Christ. How amazing if one day Pricile can say “When I was 2, people who love Jesus saved my life, and now I serve the same Jesus they served” and Naika can say “When I was 8..” and Zaikel can say “When I was 3..” and Loundjenckia can say “When I was 1 ½” and Ysnadaire can say “When I was 11..”

If you are interested in donating money to go toward creating these photo albums for the children, please email me at chelseybeckman@chadasha.org.

Praying that whoever you are, wherever you are today, Jesus will make Himself known to you in a new and amazing way. Keep your eyes wide open… He is with you!