romans and grace.

In the New Year we felt ambitious.. like the world was at our fingertips for the first time, like anything was possible and we had all the time we'd like to get where we wanted to go. In the New Year we set goals.. physical, relational, spiritual. Weigh this much, spend more time with these people, read this book, study this scripture. We made lists in moleskins of what we wanted to do, things we vowed to change. We made promises to each other and to ourselves, and to our God. In the New Year, we felt ambitious.

Just over four months later, our moleskins are under magazines or under the front seat of our car, gathering dust somewhere with lists of New Years promises rotting away inside. Time goes so quickly, and life gets so busy, and we have lost our gumption, we say. Clothes pile up and groceries must be bought and rooms need painting and the pool needs cleaning and it turns out a kitchen cabinet makeover takes a lot more time and effort than we thought. We get up early and we go to bed late and still it seems there isn't time in a day to do all we need to do, all we have promised to do, all we want to do. So we settle into routines and day to day life and without our knowing it but with our complete permission promises like reading more and praying more and eating healthier and being more intentional with our thoughts and words are lost somewhere between sleeping and eating and homework and working and painting and life. Four months later, we have broken promises to each other, to ourselves, and to our God.

And then we are challenged, by students or friends or family or mentors, to go back to the basics. To turn off the TV and to put down the dish rags and paint brushes. To get in the Word with hearts that are searching for Him, to know Him better, to desire Him more. And so I dig up the moleskin with the list and I go back. And so what? some say... New Years resolutions are made to be broken. And if they were only resolutions then that may be so, but these were promises, and they were made to be kept. I flip through the notebook, find my list. "Memorize scripture" I read. I have memorized one verse in four months. A promise I made and did not keep.

I go into the office and open a Bible study workbook I started two years ago. It was supposed to last five weeks. And isn't that how the story goes.. starting things with vigor and slowly they slip through our fingers and get pushed aside. Today's lesson, which was actually yesterdays lesson two years ago, landed on Ecclesiastes 5:4-6:

"When you make a vow to God, don't delay fulfilling it, because He does not delight in fools. Fulfill what you vow. Better that you do not vow than that you vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth bring guilt on you, and do not say in the presence of a messenger that it was a mistake."

I snap the book closed abruptly, I can feel Him. He knows me. My heart is overwhelmed with conviction.

It has been just over a year since this started... this crazy thing with this amazing guy who is my soon-to-be husband. And if we could see it all, we would know it has actually been far longer than a year. When my hands are busy in dirty dish water or broom and dust pan, my mind wanders and always lands on him. I look up from the sink to see him smiling at me from across the room. Early in the morning when I come in the door after running ragged at the hospital for 13 hours, he pushes my curls back and tells me I am beautiful.  When I hover over the stove or the sewing machine or clean clothes, I can feel him watching me with eyes that love to pieces.

Sometimes I get quiet and my heart is heavy and somber and full with the weight of the reality of sin and death and how it crumbles and breaks people who seem to deserve more, better. Then he sits quiet with me, and let's me be sad. Sometimes I'm crazy and I back the car into the neighbors fence or I lose things like the Apple TV remote (which has been missing for over two weeks and I'm pretty sure I threw it away). He laughs with me as I chuckle at myself, always. Sometimes I'm sassy and grumpy, and even then he wraps his arms around me from behind and holds me still until I smile. And I always smile.

So I feel convicted about scripture memory, and I'm reading blogs and skimming articles when I come across this post. And it  challenges me with this scripture memory project. And so I open the Word that is the only Word, that is life and strength and food for my soul. I open it to Romans 8 and I begin with verse one.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

And I feel His face turn toward me and His grace wash over me.

Grace.

I have made poor choices, and Sam knows. I have chosen wrong, I have  played on the devils playground too many times in my life, long before I even knew him who will be my husband. And he knows this, because he knows me.. All of me. And yet, even at my worst, when I disappoint him with my words or with my actions, when I fail at building him up, when the ugly parts of me show and he realizes I am not all good all the time, even then he turns his face toward me and his eyes show love and his hands are gentle and he pours out favor I do not deserve. 

Grace.

He looks at me as though I could do nothing wrong, even though he knows my flesh. When I finally get to see my Savior face to face, I will feel ashamed of my sin, but I know He will see me only as one made perfect by the blood of the Lamb. I imagine that the way He will look at me, showing only grace, will be so much like the way that my fiancé looks at me on a daily basis. I see Jesus in him, and I feel Jesus in the way he loves me, unconditionally.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

 Grace.

will you marry me?

Finally... the engagement story.

I know, it's taken forever. Heres the thing... our life is cray. Between getting engaged, flying to Tennessee, driving to Kentucky, and flying back to Texas, buying a house and moving Sam in, beginning the painting process, working full time at the hospital, and both of us being at the church and with kids more than full time, it has taken me a while to get to this post. Thank you for your patience. :)

So, Sam and I have known each other since college. When we were in Knoxville we used to go down by the Tennessee River pretty much on the reg and sit on a little dock that stretched out over the water. We would go to Wendy's and get twisted M&M frosties and sit for hours talking about life. I can remember one of the last times we got to go down by the river before we both left town (him for Texas, me for Haiti), I sat as close to him as I could, hyperaware of where his hands were the whole 2 hours and desperately wishing he would just kiss me already (knowing full well he was too much of a gentleman to kiss me just to leave when we weren't even dating).

Anyway, on Christmas day we flew standby home from Texas. We were out late the night before at a family friend's house for Christmas Eve, and we literally had to drag each other to the airport at 5am Christmas morning in an attempt to get on the first flight to Atlanta. Neither of us had flown standby before, so we were both a little anxious about it, especially after receiving an email from my uncle (who graciously gave us buddy passes to get home) saying that the first flight would most likely be full. We waited at the gate, constantly checking the screen to see if our seats had been assigned. I had already begun the process of talking Sam into thinking it would be fun if we didn't get on the first one because then we could play cards for another two hours when he exclaimed "Get your bags! We are on the screen!" We were literally among the last 5 people to board the plane. So much for my morning of card-playing.

We flew from Dallas to Atlanta, got off the plane, made a quick bathroom stop, and essentially got right on the plane bound for Nashville. Once in Nashville, we picked up our rental car and headed south toward home. I remember in the car leaving the airport Sam was complaining that his head was hurting. I know he keeps Excedrin in his backpack so I reached in the backseat and began to grope around in the front pocket to find it for him. He asked me to stop and let him get it himself, which I didn't think much of at the time but after the fact he told me the ring was in that pocket. :)

Pulling in to Lawrenceburg Sam said, "Hey, remember when I was here for your brother's wedding in July and we went to the park? You wanna do that today before dinner?" I thought back and remembered it well, sitting on the docks at Crockett Park the afternoon before I drove Sam back to the airport for him to fly back to Texas and leave me in Tennessee without him for the last time. "Sure," I said, "as long as I can take a nap first."

We parked the car in the driveway and greeted my family, made our way upstairs and put away our bags, and collapsed onto beds for afternoon naps. He woke me up about an hour later and we decided we had just enough time to go to the park before we had to be at Christmas dinner that night. It was a beautiful day, 60 degrees and crazy sunny. We drove through the park, twisting and turning between forests of bare trees, commenting on how much the look of the trees had changed since July. I thought to myself about how much we have changed since July as well.

Finally we arrived at the docks and he held my hand as we walked down the middle and out on to the left side, all the way to the end. We sat looking at the water which was so still it looked like a piece of glass, beautifully reflecting the winter scene that surrounded us. It was quiet, and I remember thinking that my heart felt full. We took a few selfies with Sam's phone, and I turned to press my back against his as we took in the serenity of the view in silence. Then he said, "I have something I want to read to you."

He began to read from Proverb 31. He read:

"An excellent wife who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.

She is like the ships of the merchant, she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates."

 

He finished and said, "I think this is something a lot of women are trying to be, but when I read it I think about you because it's what you already are." I smiled. And then I told him I wanted to read something to him as well. [No, I did not know all along that this is why we were going to the park, but once he read the scripture I had pretty much figured it out. And, confession, I had thought extensively about what it would be like when he finally asked me and what I would say, so I was well prepared].

 

I read Ruth 1:16-17:

"... For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God shall be my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you."

 

This is my commitment to him, now and always. When I finished, I could feel him shaking, our backs still touching. Then he said, "Now I need to ask you a question." I said, "Okay, what?" He said, "You have to stand up." To which I replied, "Shut. Up." We pulled each other up from the dock giggling and laughing, I was too excited and kept kissing him before he could form words. He bent to one knee and pulled the box from his pocket, opened it before me and when he looked up at me and I looked down at him, I could feel it in my soul, this longing to be one with him.

 "Chelsey, will you marry me?"

 

I pulled him up from his knee by the face, kissing him wildly and exclaiming my resounding "Yes!!" He put the ring on my finger and it fit perfectly. He turned me around and pointed to a porch and some trees where my two youngest sisters were hiding, capturing the whole thing in pictures. It was beautiful, and holy, and Jesus-filled, exactly as it should be.

I always thought it would be weird to wear a ring on my left fourth finger, but now my hand feels naked without it. I always thought it would be strange to share my whole entire life with someone else, but now I can't imagine doing life without him.

pre-christmas craziness!

The craziness of the holidays has taken over life and my blogging keeps getting pushed further and further on the furthest back burner that I have. and I have a lot of burners in my life. The struggle, I tell ya. Anyway.. we've had a lot going on! And it's been awesome. Let me tell you about it.

Sam turned 25! This is his birthday selfie with Delilah, who he loves. And looks strangely similar to in this picture.

We saw Catching Fire in theaters with our friends. And then me and some of my girls went to District 12.

Sam and I went to Houston for the Thanksgiving holiday and were able to spend time with some of his family. It was my first time meeting his mom and grandmother, and any family of his for that matter. I feel like it went well? And I feel like I'd know by now if it didn't. So, check that off the list.

Yes, we stopped at 7 am on the side of the road in Houston to take this selfie with an American flag covered trailer. So what?

 

Sam and I [and several of our friends/Sam's coworkers] served at a mother-daughter Christmas event for our students. So much pink! and sparkles! and glitter!

The day after that we had our end-of-the-year Wednesday night Chaos in the Junior High ministry. Christmas theme! My fav!

 This is one of my fav JH girls :)

 

After all of this was over, we made a surprise trip to Tennessee for my Mama's 50th Birthday Surprise Party! My siblings and all of our significant others put it together, with the help of some extended family. It took a lot of scheming and a little trickery, but we were able to throw the party at our house on a Friday night, get over 20 people there, have all the vehicles hidden, and totally surprise Mom with a celebration just for her, complete with me and Sam flying in from Texas and my Sis and Hunter driving in from Johnson City.

On the plane bound for Tennessee :)

It was supposed to be a two day trip, but because of the icepocolypse that happened in Dallas that particular weekend, no airlines were able to land flights as scheduled. So, we ended up spending an extra three days in Lawrenceburg with the fam. The flight cancellations and rescheduling and car rental extension and all was stressful, but overall it was a perfect weekend full of laughing and game playing and memory making. Love him.

After finally making it back to Texas, we got all dressed up in our finest and went to the Gift of Christmas presentation at Prestonwood, which was mind-blowing, of course.

 

In other news, I got my chemo certification and can now administer chemo at the hospital, which I'm pretty excited about. And Sam finished his fall semester of school! It's definitely time for a break... Hebrew was almost the death of him :) Also, I taught Sam how to do a headstand a couple days ago, which was a hilarious and extremely fun 15 minutes in my living room with pillows under our heads upside down against the wall.

 

And finally, my favorite Sam quote as of late:

Me: [after Sam said something slightly inappro]: "That was over the line."

Sam: "YOU'RE over the line."

Me: "Yea, I am."

Sam: "Yea you are, that's where I found you. I saw you standing over the line and I thought to myself 'There she is, over the line. She's the one.'"

 

He's the cutest. And I know you get it, but he's my fav. Every minute we spend together is sweet, even the not-so-fun ones.

 

Through all of this madness and fun, we are thanking God daily for each other and for the life He has designed just for us, and we are preparing to celebrate the birth of Jesus. We spent several hours in the car on the way home from Houston listening to Christmas music and just being still and quiet, letting the wonder of the fact that God became man and came to earth in the form of a baby to save us sink in, again. It is worth stopping and being still for people, I promise.

 

Tis the season :) I'll keep you updated on what the holiday holds for us here in Texas and everywhere else! Love from Plano!





a brief synopsis

It's been too long people! I'm falling behind, I know. I have to leave for work in 30 minutes, but between now and then I'm gonna give you a brief synopsis of happenings here in Texas over the last two weeks.

The week of Halloween we had a pumpkin carving party with our friends. So much fun. Pumpkins, caramel apples, playing cards, and tons of laughing.

Sam almost ran a 5K. But it started pouring down rain about 5 minutes before starting time, so he opted out. Good choice. No pneumonia for us, please.

We took our J-High students to the inner city in South Dallas to put on a fall festival for a community there. It was so fun to watch them learn how to serve in Christ's name, and to see the precious kids dressed up in Halloween costumes and such.

We went on a double date with Canaan & Ami, our life-friends here, to a sleepy little town with a cute square where we had dinner, then hit up a high school football game to hang out with our students for a while. Our fav date night :)

Ami and I have played countless games of spades against Canaan and Sam in the last couple weeks. The girls generally lose, but its probably a good thing because it turns our the boys get pretty feisty when we win occasionally.

We've spent several Fridays looking at houses.. Sam's in the market and will hopefully close on a house at the beginning of the year. Super super exciting!

I have learned/am learning how to quilt. So I've completed one small baby quilt with random fabric not really made for a boy or a girl, and one oblong Christmas quilt that Sam refuses to acknowledge as a blanket because he says its shaped like a table runner haha. It's a work in progress. The next one should be better. I'll let you know.

Sam wrote a big paper, and only has 3 weeks of classes left, praise the Lord. He needs a break from school.

I'm flying solo at work now with no preceptor, and I have friends, so all is right in the world again it seems.

We have been cooking dinner when we aren't on the go, which we love. And while Sam made homemade pizza a few nights ago I sat on a stool in the kitchen and we discussed Romans 9 and a chapter of "Erasing Hell" by Francis Chan. Hard stuff, for sure.

We have made a prayer chart of our families and close friends, and we have started the tradition of praying together daily. I am beyond thankful for a man like Sam who leads me in purity and in making the most of Christ in all areas of our life.

I came to the realization a few days ago that every night when I go to bed I think "Today was the best day ever." And then the next day is always even better than that. We know all of life won't be mountain tops and that we will inevitably go through the valleys, but I honestly believe that even the biggest struggles won't be as big facing them with Sam.

We spent hours sitting in my floor painting canvases together last week. And his is equally as good as mine. This is how I know we are made for each other.

Oh, and last weekend Sam took me to see "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis performed at a theater in Dallas. It was so much fun. I haven't been to a play in years.

Life is crazy, and if someone had told me one year ago that this is where I'd be in November 2013, I would have never believed it in a million years. But His ways are higher than our way, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and His plan is always always always better than anything we could possibly dream up on our own. So thankful every single day that He pursues me and He pursues Sam and He calls us to love each other and the world more perfectly on the daily. Can't wait to see what life holds. Keep up with us as we go :)

Love from Texas!

five for five thousand.

Five thousand men on a hillside. 5000. Five thousand hungry hearts wanting more of Jesus, and five thousand empty bellies hungry for lunch.

Five loaves. Two fishes. 5 and 2. And Jesus gave thanks and broke the bread and fed 5000. Twelve baskets of leftovers. 12. The disciples collected crust from the 5000 people who shared 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and came up with 12 baskets of leftovers.

Mark 6:30-44.

Four thousand men on a hillside. 4000. Hungry hearts, empty bellies.

Seven loaves of bread. 7. And He fed them. All of them, until they were full. Seven baskets of leftovers. 7. Once all the men were satisfied, the disciples gathered 7 baskets of crust and pieces of leftover bread.

Mark 8:1-10.

We know these stories. I know these stories. The disciples lived these stories.

And yet still...

Mark 8:14-21.

The disciples got into the boat with Jesus, just days after he had performed the miracles of feeding so many with so little. They got on the boat and realized they had forgotten to pack bread. They were a few men with one loaf, and they were concerned they would be hungry and not have enough, so began to discuss this amongst themselves.

Jesus's response: "Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? And do you not remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?"

"Twelve," they answered.

"And the seven for the four thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?"

"Seven," they replied.

And Jesus said, "Do you not yet understand?"

How many times are we just like the disciples in this situation. They watched him, before their own eyes, take a very small amount of food and feed a very large amount of people. Twice. Yet they worried they would be hungry.

How many times has God been faithful in my life? How many times has He made promises and kept every single one, every single time. I have watched him change people and change me and work miracles, right before my own eyes. I have seen how faithful He is, and how he provides. Yet sometimes, I worry He may not provide this time, or this thing, or in this particular situation. Do I not remember? Do I not yet understand?

he is faithful. always.

all is grace

Journal Entry

May25, 2013

"I'm up early, cause shift work does that to ya. The house is quiet so I gathered my pen and paper and blanket and closed the door behind me. The morning air is chilly and my nose is red on tip from lake-breeze. I hear the water flowing by, lazy. The sun rose on the other side of the house, so I just saw the sky lighten, shade by shade, until I could see. And I knew it was the sun. And I know it is the Son who daily makes it lighter, who peels back layers of darkness one at a time, patiently teaching me to see like He sees.

Even if I cannot see Him, I know He is the source of the Light.

And I am thankful.

Two birds call loud and close. I turn slow so not to scare them. They perch on the deck's edge, chirp, hop, flit. Carefree in the morning light, no worries. And I see their round brown bellies and I know they are fed. He has provided for them. And I am reminded of His promise, to provide for me. And I remember,

and I trust.

I know that this God, He has provided every time before. I can count His ways of faithfulness and I know He has been good. And because I can remember in thanks, I can trust He will provide again, and

always.

I know that no matter how dark and hurtful and hopeless life may ever seem, time reveals Jesus. He is there, closest in my most painful hour. And in time, I will open my eyes to see His back as He has passed by. And praise God, I know this is true. I have seen His back before, I see it now.

And all is grace.

Sweet grace.

The sky is clear blue, the water ready for boats and fishing. And I need coffee, and water on my face, and I'll be ready. Ready for another day of blessing. Open my eyes. Begging for open eyes with
Jesus lenses
that see
grace in all and
beauty in all and
Christ in and through
and covering all.

Because He has and will, always. Always. I give thanks, and I learn more to trust."

[inspiration from Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts"]

guess what?

Hi friends :)
So guess what?

My baby brother got married!

And guess what else?

I got to spend a whole 5 days with this guy.

He's pretty much my fav. But really. I've known him for years, but the timing was never good for us all through college, and because he lives in Dallas and I live in Murfreesboro, you might say the timing isn't really that good now either, but it actually is. Promise.

I have never felt so immediately connected with someone, especially not someone so far away. He is by far the most thoughtful, grownup, smart, not to mention handsome guy I've ever known. We stay on the same page, all day err day, and he makes me feel like I am a treasure. I know, you're jealous, as you should be. Sorry ladies, he's taken. Back off.

I don't know what else to say today except that life is crazy. And mine is up in the air, and I have the hardest time trusting God when I can't see how things are going to fall into place [isn't that how it always seems to go?]. But I know He is faithful. I know He has plans. I know He makes promises and keeps them. I know He provides for His children. I know He is my God, and if He is for us, what can be against us?

Be encouraged today, friends! Whatever you are going through or waiting for or uneasy about, take it to Jesus. He loves when we do that. And He will be faithful. Promise.

I'll keep you posted. Adios!

individual souls

This world in which we live is a lot to handle. There are hurting people every way we turn.

I have seen them, held them.. children with no parents. orphans.

I have touched them, fed them.. families with empty bellies and empty fridges. hungry.

I have heard them, listened to them.. people in physical pain. hurting.

I have rocked them, held their hand.. the broken hearted. broken.

I have seen them, known them, wept with them, loved them.. those whos only hope is Jesus.

It is not easy, to see what we see, to know what we know, to feel the hurt of the world closing in on us from all sides. It is a daily battle [that I sometimes lose] for me not to become calloused and hardened and indifferent to the worries of the world. It's easy for me to lump everyone into a category.. orphans, homeless, poor, lost. And when people are in a category with a label, I don't find their situations nearly as infuriating. When people are grouped by their situation, the situation becomes my focus instead of the people who are caught in it. Dangerous.

I have to make a conscious effort.. I think we all do, to break it down. To single out a face with a name and maybe a freckle or two and take them out of their category and see them as an individual. Labels and categories do nothing to my heart.. faces with names weigh heavy.

The world is not made up of a huge heap of hurt, it is filled with individual people with individual hearts that all hurt in different ways and at different times but break equally as painfully and need Christ equally as much.

God, teach us all what it means to love the people around us as individual souls rather than just as the human race.

be kind to me

The doors opened. People off, people on. The doors closed. Onward went the subway.

It was my first time in New York. I was there with a group of 100 college kids... yes, we were THOSE kids. You know.. the ultimate tourists. Cameras and maps in hand, too many or not enough layers, bright eyes and loud voices.. kids from the south crashing the Big Apple for one week to serve and love in Brooklyn, and tour the city that never sleeps in our free time.

She made her way through the subway cart, as so many of them do. Dirty face and unkempt hair, ragged clothes and holey shoes. A woman in her 50s maybe, with her hands outstretched for anything anyone would give, as so many of them are. She was mildly abrasive, and borderline rude.. not what we are used to in Tennessee, especially not from a beggar.

Most people ignored her.. kept right on reading their paper or listening to their music or faking a nap so they didn't have to make eye contact with the people around them. They looked past her or through her, like she wasn't real or didn't exist. Some acknowledged her by waving her past them, nothing to give or no desire to give it. Some handed her a dollar or two, or some change. Nobody lifted their eyes to meet hers. Nobody.

I watched idly as this scene unfolded, quite unaware of my own self or my friends. Before long, she had reached the back of the subway cart and her hands were out empty in front of me. "Whats your name?" I asked. I could feel the entire cart full of heads turn and stares began to pierce me from all directions. "Julia," she replied.

And then, before I even knew what I was doing, I dropped my bags and wrapped her, dirty hair and smelly clothes and all, in a bear hug, right there in the middle of the subway in New York City. Then I fumbled in my purse and found a pack of crackers I had been saving for later. I handed them to her and she wept. "I wasn't always homeless and poor. I was married and lived in another city. My husband had an affair, he left me and took everything. That was less than a year ago. I never thought I would be where I am now.." She sobbed her story.

And it was only that, her story. Who knows what parts were true. Perhaps none of it, or perhaps the whole thing.

I met Julia over three years ago. I have not seen or heard from her since that day. But I think about her frequently... she changed me.

When I have a patient who is ornery or stinky or just flat out mean, or an old man taps on my window asking for money for a bus ticket, or a middle-aged lady grumbles and huffs at me in the grocery store line.. when I cross paths with someone who isn't well kept or who is difficult to manage or who is just plain different from me, I think of Julia.

And I'm reminded that I do not and cannot know everyone's story. Perhaps she needed a sign, and perhaps many people need to bear a sign that reads "Be kind to me, for I too have a story."

to live full.

Finally found a good use for the medicine vial lids that find
their way into my pockets at work!

Have you ever had someone throw you a surprise party? Or have you ever attended a surprise party for someone else? We can all identify with being that person to some degree... feeling like no one is making a big deal out of your birthday or whatever the occasion is, but definitely not showing it because that would just be too arrogant and selfish. Dragging yourself home with your head hung a bit, comforting yourself with thoughts like "Well, at least my show is on tonight" and "There's always next year for it to be my best birthday ever" or "I have my family, thats all I really need anyway." And then you come through your door, and all the people you love jump out of nowhere and scream "SURPRISE!!!!!!" and you realize they were actually beyond thoughtful and they did remember you, and your mind reels with events of the day that didn't make sense at the time but now it all comes together and you see this was the plan all along. You have that "ah-ha" moment when you realize you are truly loved, and treasured, and people have been intentional about making sure you know that they know you and are thankful for you.

I had a moment like this today.

But it was much bigger than friends at a birthday party. It was an encounter with the living God. It was an in-my-face, up-close-and-personal, Hey-I-LOVE-YOU kind of encounter where I stood dazed and overwhelmed by the reality that the Creator of every thing that is knows MY heart and MY needs and goes out of His way to meet me there.

I got a book for Christmas from my Mama called "One Thousand Gifts." I had seen it in the bookstore and was drawn to it because it has a bird's nest with two robin eggs in it on the cover. It's intriguing. After I got it for Christmas, I put it on my bookshelf with all the other books I think I want but never read. And there it sat, until Friday morning when something in my soul stirred me to pick it up and start reading. So, I did. And the first chapter held my attention well enough, a recount of a terrible tragedy the author had experienced as a child. End of chapter 1, I put it on my nightstand. That was that.

I signed up for a women's retreat that happened this weekend at New Vision. New Vision is BIG, and by big I mean like really big. So I don't know that many people, because I almost never see the same person twice [except my small group and a handful of others of course]. Anyway... the event was titled "I Want God." I didn't even know this was the name until I got there. I signed up so I could meet some women in the church. God had other plans.

The speakers name for the weekend was Lisa Whittle. She's a speaker and an author from North Carolina. She brought message after message overflowing with passion and truth about what it looks like to want God, and how to have Him. It was beautiful. She said things that stuck... things like "The best way to honor a life is by gratitude" and "We fill our mouths with all sorts of worldly food that we want to fill us, but it never does. If we taste God, in His fullness, all else would begin to taste very bitter." What is "His fullness"? I pondered. What does it look like to be full? To live a full life? And then the event was over and I came home, and that was that.

As I got in bed and reached to my nightstand for my word puzzle book Saturday night, there lay the book I started the previous day. I decided to read another chapter before I worked a puzzle. So I started chapter 2. The author begs questions... "Will I have lived fully-- or just empty?" "How do we live the fullest life here that delivers into the full life ever after?" "Give me the details of how to live in the waiting cocoon before the forever begins."

Suddenly I snapped the book shut and searched the cover for the author's name. I just knew it was going to be Lisa Whittle... the words I was reading sounded exactly like what she had just preached a few hours before. But it wasn't... the author's name is Ann Voscamp. I read on.

Voscamp goes in to great detail about thanksgiving and how vital it is to us living a life in the fullness of Christ. She explains that the phrase "he gave thanks" is in the original text the word "eucharisteo." I was raised Catholic, and we took communion every day and it has always been known to me as the Eucharist. My mind went immediately to the celebration of the Last Supper.

She broke it down further... "charis" is the root word, meaning "grace." Further still... "chara" is the root word of "charis" meaning "joy."

Charis. Grace.
Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving.
Chara. Joy.

By this point, I was bent low. I was humbled before my God at the way He was stringing things together, at the repetition of the things I was learning. I was amazed. And I was refreshed with the idea of thanksgiving for every part of every part of my life, the good and the bad, and for the grace that covers me, and I said prayers of thanksgiving through tears of joy for things that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be able to be remotely thankful for. And my heart swelled, and I felt a bit fuller and a bit more aware of this mystery called the "fullness of God."

And I slept, and I woke Sunday morning and I got ready and went to church. It was crowded at the 10 am service, as it always is, and I found a seat and met a new friend there and we drank our coffee and chatted. Then we stood and worshiped, then we sat and got out our pens and papers and listened to a message and took notes. And then, the announcement. "Today, as a family, we are going to take part in the Last Supper." My jaw nearly hit the floor. This was an unplanned celebration, a surprise. I can't even remember the last time I got to participate in Communion... it is sporadically celebrated at this church and my church before this one, and I'm sporadically in attendance at church at all because of my work schedule.

We passed the bread and wine and took our portion. We sat as a body of Christ and ate and drank together. The Eucharist. Eucharisteo. Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy. And again, my heart swelled and it was revealed to me more, more of the fullness of God. And the more I know of it, the more I want to know of it. I am convinced it is the sweetest food for the soul that exists. To know the fullness of God, to experience a full life, to LIVE FULL.

wish list

I'm sort of a dreamer, in case you haven't noticed. I dream in my sleep every single night, without fail. And I dream during the day when I have moments of idleness... I dream and plan and think about my life and what I hope it holds. And nearly every day the dreams are different... I'm a fickle dreamer, thats for sure. I know life happens in seasons, and there is a season for everything. But there are a few things on my dream list that are pretty permanent, and that I hope come and stay a while. Wanna hear what they are? Well then, stay a minute longer, won't you?

1. A big bathtub, preferably with feet.

The bathtub is seriously like my sanctuary, especially in the winter in Tennessee when the outdoors just won't do. When I'm sick, bored, cold, tired, stressed, or just wanna leave the real world for a while, there is no better way to fix it than with a glass of wine or coffee or hot chocolate, a good book or a laptop, candles, a hair tie to get this mop off my neck, and a hot bubble bath. Miracle worker, no joke. The world is always right-side-up again after a bath.

2. A boxer. [a brindle, to be exact]

This has been on my wishlist since high school at least. I know, they're rambunctious and energetic and they destroy things and they are social so you can't leave them alone much or they get aggressive, and sometimes they hate cats. But, they are too cute and I want one! [and a schedule that permits one, and living quarters with a yard to let it out in].

3. A visit to the Grand Canyon.

Anyone up for a road trip? I'll drive.

4. That I would be like Peter and John in Acts 4:13:
"When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus."

That when people meet me or leave me or have any contact with me or thought of me, they would not say "she is so smart" or "she is so cool" or "she is so creative" or "artsy" or "kind" or "such a good nurse" or "a good writer" or anything else in the world other than "she has encountered Jesus."

5. A season of living within walking distance of the beach.

I have found nothing more serene or powerful or soothing or revitalizing than the beach. So, I'd like to try living on it for a time. East coast, Gulf coast, West coast, or the coast of another country, I don't really care.. just as long as it's warm year round.

Whats on your dream list?

I am a mess.

The holiday bustle is finally over. The dust has settled on life again and I feel myself becoming uneasy with the mundaneness of day to day life as an adult. I feel myself becoming jaded and hardened to heartache. This isn't a new thing for me... not by any means. It's a constant battle that I fight.. to remain sympathetic and empathetic and compassionate in the face of so absolutely many disappointments and tragedies and just rainy seasons of life in general.

It's easy to do, you know... to become numb to pain when you see it day in and day out in all areas of life. Taking care of sick people and panicked families, it's easy to forget that they really are sick and panicked. Helping inner city kids with homework because their parents aren't home or don't care, it's easy to forget they are hurting kids in need of role models and direction. Watching the news and reading articles about murders and kidnappings and theft, it's easy to forget these things are not normal and not okay and not what was intended for humanity to endure. Seeing pictures and reading blogs about natural disasters and third world countries, it's easy to forget there are real people suffering real unbelievable circumstances all around the world.

It's easy to sit in my one bedroom apartment and watch Grey's Anatomy and Revenge and cook my supper and have ice cream for dessert and feed my cat and take hot baths and light candles and waste my life feeling indifferent because this is just the way things are or it seems impossible for things to change. But this is not what God has for me. And I know that. And I know that every time the dust settles on my life, these feelings resurface and I have to get real and get my guard up and acknowledge the angels rallied around me and go to war.

I have to get on my face and seek Christ. I have to get out of bed and off the couch even on rainy days and pursue relationships with believers. I have to get up early to pray before work that I can be a light and not just another person trying to get through the day. I have to go out, even when I don't feel like it, in the community and find people who have lost hope and tell them of the ultimate Redeemer. I have to serve and get on my hands and knees in the name of Jesus, picking up the pieces of my life and the lives of others that have fallen all apart. I have to love people where they are, because this is what reminds me that we are all in this together.

This is what reminds me of the way my Savior loves me, right where I am, 24-7.

So I think I'll do just that. I'll get up off this couch and I'll go places and love people, people I miss and people I haven't met yet. I'll get out of my bubble and out of my comfort zone, and I'll be intentional with my time.

I'll go to Knoxville and visit Calvary where I have family that I miss more than words can explain. I'll go to Johnson City and see my sister and her husband, because they can't get home as often as they'd like. I'll go to Chattanooga and see my brother and his new fiance, because it's important to keep up with each others lives in different cities. I'll go to Texas and see my cousins and my friends at seminary and my baby girl [whenever she gets there]. I'll go to Haiti where a big majority of my heart still is and hug the necks of all the people I love so much there. And I'll go to the Women's Retreat in a few weeks at New Vision, even though I don't know a single lady at this huge church I'm making home. And I'll go to Spring Valley and try to make Christ famous by identifying real problems with real solutions in impoverished communities.

I'll book flights and mapquest directions and hit the road, on my off days of course. I'll go about loving with my whole heart, not just the parts that are inclined to love.

Yes, this is what I'll do. Right after I finish this bowl of ice cream and the latest episode of Emily Owens M.D.

Lord, help me, for I am a mess.

2012 [in snap shots]

January 2012

I got to go to Passion 2012, which was lifechanging and heartbreaking and really challenged us all to DO SOMETHING.

 I returned to Haiti, where I'd left my heart.

February 2012

I turned 24, in Santiago, Dominican Republic, while watching 4 kids' lives be saved by open heart surgeries that made them well.

March 2012

I got to see a little girl eat a popsicle for the first time. It was priceless.

I got to serve in Haiti with my brothers and sisters and parents in Christ, my Calvary family. I can't even explain how much of a blessing it was.

April 2012

God called me to make America my physical home again. Now I have two homes in my heart. Leaving my friends and family in Haiti and not knowing when I'll see them again was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

May 2012

I had one of the toughest months of my life trying to readjust to American life. It felt like I didn't fit in, and no one understood what I was going through. Praise the Lord for friends and family who loved me through it.

I was a bridesmaid in my beautiful friend Elizabeth's wedding!

We grieved [though some of us miles away] the loss of a precious baby boy who lost his short fight with AIDS.

June 2012

I spent a fabulous weekend at the river with the majority of my sweet fam! [missed my sis, of course]

I was a bridesmaid in my beautiful friend Kristen's wedding!

July 2012

We went on our annual vacation to Panama City Beach! So much fun!

Then, I had my heart broken by a boy like I never thought possible.

August 2012

I began the extremely long and painful process of embracing this verse with all my heart.

The baby girl that I love more than anything in the world started WALKING! And I got to see it via Skype :)

I got my first big girl job, and moved, yet again, to a new city.

September 2012

I went to the county fair and rode the Tilt-a-Whirl for the first time in several years. Basically a blast!

October 2012

I decorated tons of pumpkins for Halloween!

And only by the grace and mercy of God was I able to completely understand and conquer the bitterness in my heart and the amount of freedom that comes with forgiving others.

November 2012

I worked my first holiday [definitely won't be the last... turns out people still get sick, even on Thanksgiving and Christmas]. But because of that I got to celebrate Thanksgiving with some extended family in Murfreesboro!

And I learned how to Geocache.

December 2012

I took my Daddy to a candy store.

I gave my big dog a tasty ham bone.

And I got to spend time with my family/best friends, who I wouldn't trade for the world.

This is my life in snapshots from 2012. I got a new devotional for Christmas and couldn't wait to start it so I started on December 31st. That entry is focused on 1 Samuel 7:12 which reads "Thus far has the Lord helped us." It focuses in on the phrase "thus far." This phrase points toward the past, and as I look back on 2012 I would say it was most likely the hardest year of my life to date. I can also confidently say that my God was faithful through it all. I grew so much and learned so much and He never left me... He carried me through it all, as my Provider and my Protector, even on the toughest days. "Thus far" also points toward the future.. it indicates that there is more to come. I know there are more trials to come, more learning and growing to take place in 2013 and the years after that. But I also know that my God never leaves. He's been with me thus far, and He always will be. So it is with high expectations and great joy that I tip my hat to 2012 and say farewell, and turn my gaze forward with a smirk as if to say, "2013, bring it on."