my eulogy.

I'm a quarter of a century old, and I've heard a lot of eulogies.

I heard my first one when I was 12 and my Granddaddy died of lung cancer. I don't really remember what the preacher said, I was too distracted by trying to decide who's tears were a cause of the bitter cold winter wind and who was actually crying.

Since 2002, I have heard eulogies preached for five friends. From classmates and acquaintances to childhood friends and best friends, things like brain aneurysms and car crashes have taken people my age and I've heard eulogies.

The youngest person's eulogy I've heard was almost two years old. A baby girl with a fatal heart condition.

I'm a quarter of a century old and I'm well acquainted with death.

I remember when I was younger, after the first person in my high school freshman class passed away, I laid awake at night thinking about my own eulogy, and what I would want said if it was me in that coffin a few weeks before my 16th birthday.

And then when I was 18, a close friend made a series of poor choices and ended up in rehab. They had to write their own eulogies, he told me. I thought again, "what would I want mine to say, if it was me?"

On December 20, 2010, I got the call that one of my closest childhood friends had died. I went through the visitation line five times before it registered with me. I sat through her funeral and burial. I heard her eulogy. And again I thought, "What do I want them to say about me?" Because, reality: one day, it will be me.

I am well acquainted with death. And I am not afraid. To me, there are much worse things than dying. Thinking about my own eulogy does not scare me, it excites me. It forces me to see the difference in how I want to be remembered and how I will actually be remembered. It is so important to be sure the two are matching up.

This week I have been reading through the book of Job. After all these years of thinking about what I want them to say about me when I'm the one in the grave, I have found it, in scripture. When I'm gone, I want there to be more to say than that I was "a good friend, a good wife, a good daughter, a good mother, a nice person." Sure, I want them to say that I "lit up a room" and had a "contagious smile." But there's gotta be more.

I want to be remembered for more.

I want them to be able to read Job 29:12-16 at my funeral and everyone in the room agree that this is who I was. That this is what I was about. All for God's glory, not for my own.

"...I delivered the poor who cried for help,

and the fatherless who had none to help him.

The blessing of him who was about to perish

came upon me,

and I caused the widow's heart to sing for joy.

I put on righteousness, and it clothed me;

my justice was like a robe and a turban.

I was eyes to the blind and feet to the lame.

I was a father to the needy,

and I searched out the cause of him whom I did not know."

 

What about you? What about your eulogy?

What will they say, when it's you in the coffin?

 

Because, reality: one day, it is going to be me.

And it is going to be you.

 

What do you want them to say?





2012 [in snap shots]

January 2012

I got to go to Passion 2012, which was lifechanging and heartbreaking and really challenged us all to DO SOMETHING.

 I returned to Haiti, where I'd left my heart.

February 2012

I turned 24, in Santiago, Dominican Republic, while watching 4 kids' lives be saved by open heart surgeries that made them well.

March 2012

I got to see a little girl eat a popsicle for the first time. It was priceless.

I got to serve in Haiti with my brothers and sisters and parents in Christ, my Calvary family. I can't even explain how much of a blessing it was.

April 2012

God called me to make America my physical home again. Now I have two homes in my heart. Leaving my friends and family in Haiti and not knowing when I'll see them again was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

May 2012

I had one of the toughest months of my life trying to readjust to American life. It felt like I didn't fit in, and no one understood what I was going through. Praise the Lord for friends and family who loved me through it.

I was a bridesmaid in my beautiful friend Elizabeth's wedding!

We grieved [though some of us miles away] the loss of a precious baby boy who lost his short fight with AIDS.

June 2012

I spent a fabulous weekend at the river with the majority of my sweet fam! [missed my sis, of course]

I was a bridesmaid in my beautiful friend Kristen's wedding!

July 2012

We went on our annual vacation to Panama City Beach! So much fun!

Then, I had my heart broken by a boy like I never thought possible.

August 2012

I began the extremely long and painful process of embracing this verse with all my heart.

The baby girl that I love more than anything in the world started WALKING! And I got to see it via Skype :)

I got my first big girl job, and moved, yet again, to a new city.

September 2012

I went to the county fair and rode the Tilt-a-Whirl for the first time in several years. Basically a blast!

October 2012

I decorated tons of pumpkins for Halloween!

And only by the grace and mercy of God was I able to completely understand and conquer the bitterness in my heart and the amount of freedom that comes with forgiving others.

November 2012

I worked my first holiday [definitely won't be the last... turns out people still get sick, even on Thanksgiving and Christmas]. But because of that I got to celebrate Thanksgiving with some extended family in Murfreesboro!

And I learned how to Geocache.

December 2012

I took my Daddy to a candy store.

I gave my big dog a tasty ham bone.

And I got to spend time with my family/best friends, who I wouldn't trade for the world.

This is my life in snapshots from 2012. I got a new devotional for Christmas and couldn't wait to start it so I started on December 31st. That entry is focused on 1 Samuel 7:12 which reads "Thus far has the Lord helped us." It focuses in on the phrase "thus far." This phrase points toward the past, and as I look back on 2012 I would say it was most likely the hardest year of my life to date. I can also confidently say that my God was faithful through it all. I grew so much and learned so much and He never left me... He carried me through it all, as my Provider and my Protector, even on the toughest days. "Thus far" also points toward the future.. it indicates that there is more to come. I know there are more trials to come, more learning and growing to take place in 2013 and the years after that. But I also know that my God never leaves. He's been with me thus far, and He always will be. So it is with high expectations and great joy that I tip my hat to 2012 and say farewell, and turn my gaze forward with a smirk as if to say, "2013, bring it on."

is God still good?

Give thanks to the Lord, for HE IS GOOD. His love endures forever. -Psalm 136:1
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. -Deuteronomy 32:4
And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the GOOD of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

I know these scriptures, and I know they are true. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that by His nature, He cannot be anything other than good, because He IS good. And on a sunshiney day, that's not hard for me, or any Believer, to profess. But what about when it gets a little cloudier?

I was recently reading "Fearless" by Max Lucado and the following passage caught my eye and heart. And it made me chuckle.

"If only we could order life the way we order gourmet coffee. Wouldn't you love to mix and match the ingredients of your future?

'Give me a tall, extra-hot cup of adventure, cut the dangers,with two shots of good health.'

'A decaf brew of longevity, please, with a sprinkle of fertility. Go heavy on the agility and cut the disability.'

'I'll have a pleasure mocha with extra stirrings of indulgence. Make sure it's consequence free.'
'I'll go with a grande happy-latte, with a dollop of love, sprinkled with Caribbean retirement.'
Take me to that coffee shop. Too bad it doesn't exist. Truth is, life often hands us a concoction entirely different from the one we requested. Ever feel as though the barista-from-above called your name and handed you a cup of unwanted stress?
'Joe Jones, enjoy your early retirement. Looks as if it comes with marital problems and inflation.'
'Mary Adams, you wanted four years of university education, then kids. You'll be having kids first. Congratulations on your pregnancy.'
'A hot cup of job transfer six months before your daughter's graduation, Susie. Would you like some patience with that?'"

The reality is, the majority of the time life does hand us something we aren't expecting. Sometimes the change is more drastic and heartbreaking than others. Maybe it is a job that fell through. Or you were planning a wedding and now you're not. Or you thought you had one last Christmas with someone you love, and then they died. Or you thought it would never happen to you, and now you have cancer. Or maybe, you watched the news in horror as we all learned about young and innocent lives being stolen this past Friday.

Sometimes what life gives us is unthinkable, unimaginable. Gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, can't-sleep-can't-eat-can't-breathe kind of stuff. Then can we stand and confidently say "My God is good."? Because this is when it counts. This is when those who don't know Christ look to us and wait to see how we will respond. This is when it matters most. When we are broken and things are not as they seemed and we are disappointed and life as we know it is falling apart, then can we declare the goodness of our God?

I posted this a while ago, but I want to reshare a story I read in "Erasing Hell" by Francis Chan.

"Years ago, I came across an article entitled, 'Two Minutes to Eternity' by Marshall Shelley, one of the editors of Christianity Today at the time. In the article, Marshall tells the story of the miraculous birth of his son. When the child was in the womb, Marshall and his wife, Susan, found out that their child had an abnormal heart and would probably not survive the birth, if he even made it that far. And so the Shelleys wrestled with God. 'This was a design flaw,' Marshall writes, 'and the Designer was responsible.' So they prayed. They prayed for a miracle, they prayed for survival, they prayed that the God of all creation would give the child the breath of life.

Then the day of birth came, and the child was still alive. The child had survived the pregnancy! God is so good! As the child was born, Marshall looked upon his beautiful son: 'He was a healthy pink, and we saw his chest rise and fall. The breath of life. Thank you God.'

And then the child died. Two minutes later, their son turned from pink to blue, and he died. The miracle of life was followed by the mystery of death. And as far as the Shelleys were concerned, the Designer was responsible. When the nurse asked the Shelleys if they had a name for the child, Susan responded: 'Toby. It's short for a biblical name, Tobiah, which means 'God is good.''

God is good.

God is good? How could they say that? How could they believe such an unbelievable attribute of God, when everything in that moment seemed to be proving the opposite? Because the Shelleys believed that God is good not only when He makes sense to us, but even when He doesn't. God is good, because God is God. Goodness is inherent in who He is. And the Shelleys believed this. 'The name was what we believed, not what we felt,' Marshall writes. 'It was what we wanted to feel again someday.'

And so, brothers and sisters, it is times like these that we must declare to each other and to the world, God is good. He has not forgotten us. He has not forsaken us. He is faithful, and He is good.

the fragile room

 When I was younger my family used to visit my grandparents in Clarksville about every other weekend. My siblings and I loved the weekend trips when we got to explore unfamiliar and old-smelling closets, use ancient machinery like a typewriter or record player, play games and cards for hours, or play dress-up with our mothers once-stylish dresses and jewelry, all the while being the absolute center of the world for our Nanny and Grandaddy who were completely captivated by each of us individually and together. There was one room in my Nanny's house that she called the "living room." It was complete with pink carpet, a pink chair, the most uncomfortable sofa you could imagine, coffee tables and end tables and a cedar chest covered with breakable things like crystal plates and porcelain birds and glass bells. It smelled different from the rest of the house, and it was [with good reason] off limits. The only reason we were to spend time in the living room was if we were working a puzzle or playing a quiet card game. The door stayed shut, and the adults would say "There are breakable things in there. It's no place for horseplay or toddlers or rambunctious kids." So as we grew and our vocabularies increased, we began to refer to it as "the fragile room." We knew that the fragile room was full of fragile things that could shatter into thousands of pieces and be gone forever if they slipped from our slippery fingers.

Sometimes I think about this world, and I wonder if the Earth had a huge "Fragile Room" what would be inside? Recently I have been reminded of something that would fit there better than anything else: life. Even in my short 24 years of living I can attest to this statement, that this earthly life is a fragile thing that can and does shatter into a thousand pieces and is gone forever at the command of the One who gives and takes away. We may learn hundreds of different ways that this is true, but it does not make it any less painful when we are reminded yet again of the fragility of life and the certainty of death.

Many of you will remember baby KenKen who I had the privileged of caring for during my time in Haiti. He was 9 months old and weighed 9 pounds the first night in October that he slept in my bed. We soon learned that he and his mother both had HIV. Since October we have helped to educate them and get them resources as well as provide what we could for KenKen. To our surprise and only by the work of God, KenKen began to recover! In December we celebrated his 1st birthday, and by January he had cut teeth and grown hair. He continued to grow and get stronger, and as we all watched our faith in Christ grew and got stronger as well. He gave hope to so many who felt they were a lost cause. Praise God for using this tiny baby to teach so many people so much. After spiking a fever and being taken to the hospital, baby KenKen died on May 18th. His funeral was today and his tiny body was laid to rest. Please be in prayer for his mother.

October 2011

May 2012

The Bible tells us that life is only a vapor that is here for a short time and then disappears. How true that is. If you do not know Jesus, now is a good time friends. Let me tell you in short the TRUTH of the Gospel, in case you've never heard:
- We are all sinners. Born that way. Never going to be good. [Rom 3:10]
- We do not and will never deserve or be able to earn Heaven.
- Sin must be paid for. Either we must pay, or someone else must pay for us. [Rom 6:23]
- God sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for our sins and to pay the price so that we will not have to. [John 3:16]
- The only way to get to God in Heaven is through Jesus. [John 14:6] This means that, despite what America would tell you with our watered down version of Christianity, being a "good person" is not enough. This means that if your "good outweighs the bad" or if you are "doing better than most people" you are no more getting into Heaven and sharing in God's glory than someone who curses God's name.
-Once you accept Christ and surrender completely to Him, your heart will be more free than you can imagine, and you will be beyond blessed by living with the assurance that you are never alone and that one day, you will see His face. I know friends, because I experienced life without Christ for 20 years, and I now live with this freedom I'm telling you of.

Don't wait. Seek the Truth and find it in Him. Tomorrow may be too late. After all, life is in the fragile room for a reason.

Oh 2011...

Oh 2011... what a year! If every year of my life is as eventful as 2011, I will die of a heart attack before I'm 50, guaranteed haha. It was a year of tremendous personal growth, learning, sacrifice, and blessings. Below I've highlighted some of the major life events that I passed through during each month of 2011.

January: I started a New Years Resolution [for the first time], and kept it :) I also went to Passion 2011, which was life-changing, as usual.

Feburary: I turned 23 [which feels old, but I know it's not]. I also survived the snowiest month of my life.

March: I made my first trip to Haiti with Calvary Baptist Church.

April: I did 9 12 hour shifts on an oncology floor as my nursing preceptorship. I also visited the Ripley's Aquarium with my amazing community group.

May: I graduated from the University of Tennessee with a Bachelor's Degree in the Science of Nursing. Praise the Lord!

June: I was led by the Spirit and in obedience ended the relationship with the man I want to marry. And I got to start spending time with a little girl who I came to love like she was my own kid. And I dyed a piece of my hair hot pink!

July: I went to the beach on our annual family vacation to Panama City Beach, Florida! And I also got to spend a week doing crazy stuff with some awesome kids from Calvary. And I also said goodbye to some amazing friends that I had a fabulous summer in Knoxville with.

August: I was the Maid of Honor for my Sis who got married! And I moved to Haiti for a spell. :)

September: I watched my first patient/babygirl/friend go to be with Jesus.

October: God gave me back the relationship I had ended out of obedience, Praise the Lord! His timing is better than mine, always.

November: I got to watch the lives of 5 children be saved by desperately needed heart surgeries.

December: I got to come home and spend Christmas with my family and friends who I missed more than words can explain.

As I reflect on 2011, I can see how things have changed drastically in every aspect from where I live to the languages I speak to the friends I have to things God is teaching me to the presence of God in my life. Change is sometimes scary and isn't always fun. But if things don't change, we can't grow. You may be with me in being a bit apprehensive about the changes that 2012 may hold. Come friends, and find rest! Come and find peace! Rejoice! And cling to this promise: "Jesus Christ is the same YESTERDAY, TODAY, and FOREVER!" Hebrews 13:8.

Cannot wait to see what God does in me and in you and in this world in the coming year. Happy New Year!

meantime mommy

The word "meantime" is defined as "the time between events." When I think about it, a lot of our life is spent in "the meantime." The meantime seems insignificant, because the big events are what we expect to define our lives. But I'm seeing more and more that the meantime is actually what makes our lives what they are. The meantime and how we respond to it is what makes us who we are.

As you know, in Haiti I am blessed with the opportunity to play Mom for a lot of babies. I'll never actually be their mothers who will provide for them and watch them grow up and such for the rest of their lives. But for now, I am their mom, until they can go home to their parents. I am a mommy in the meantime.. a "meantime mommy." And I love it.

Being a meantime mommy comes with many gifts! I get to love babies to death and not care if I spoil them rotten because I'm not going to be the one dealing with a rotten 3 year old haha. I get to watch moms and dads come and love their babies, and then I get to be the one to comfort and reassure them that I'm taking care of their kids until they can come back. I get to pick out adorable outfits without having to buy clothes. I get to let babies sleep in my bed because I'm never going to have to break that habit for them. I also don't have to say goodbye often, and when I do I can say "I'm coming back soon!"

Some of the gifts are harder to bear than others... for example the idea that one day they WILL go home with their mommys, and my "meantime" will be over. But new kids will always come. My heart just has to learn to grow a little more to fit more people in it each time. I get to be sad and lonely and worry about them and miss them like they are my own while I'm home for the holidays. And right now, I also get to feel the joys of "hand-foot-mouth disease" that I'm pretty sure I contracted from one of my babies before I left Haiti haha. [don't worry... it goes away by itself in about 10 days]. Either way... whether the gifts are easy or hard, they are all beautiful, and I wouldn't trade a second of being a meantime mommy.

It's so good to be home. America is different from Haiti, and we are selfish and materialistic and greedy and sadly mistaken about the Gospel of the Lord. But Haiti has it's own set of qualities that are suffocating and obnoxious and heartbreaking... they are no better or no worse than America or any other country. This world is fallen, and it SHOULD BE heartbreaking because sin lives here and God doesn't live in every heart. So even through the things about America that frustrate me to tears sometimes, it's good to be home and to be back with my family and my friends and to be comfortable and at least know what to expect from the people around me, even if it's not always perfect.

And one more thing... today is the 1 year anniversary of the homecoming into Heaven of my sweet friend Megan Inman. It doesn't seem like it's been a whole year. I know this day is beyond hard for her family and friends, but we must remember that while we cry tears of sorrow here and celebrate the life she had, the angels and the Lord shout praises and thanksgiving for the life she started in Heaven 1 year ago today. Pray with me for peace and comfort, and constant reminders that God has not forgotten us.

A glimpse of life at home so far...

 

Happy 80th Birthday Nanny!!