she is not ours.

"I can't believe you're already out and about so much. And she's such a good baby. You seem like you've done this forever. You're like.. supermom!"

I smiled and said thank you. Lets be real.. there have been a few times during this almost-8-week journey that has been "surviving" mostly where I have felt like SuperMom.

Like the first Sunday we made it to church, both dressed, in time to hear Sam teach, and Quinn slept like an angel the whole time (I know you mamas with 2+ kids are laughing at me, but it felt impossible, seriously).

Or the first time I breast fed in public-- in the bleachers at a high school football game on what was surely was the windiest day in September.

Or at Quinn's 2 week checkup when the doctor expected her to be back to her birth weight and then she had passed it by 8 oz just drinking the milk my body is producing.

It's times like these that I want to go to a bathroom with a big mirror and look myself up and down, put my hands on my hips, flip my perfectly fixed hair, and say to myself, "You freakin rock at this."

And then, there are other times...

Other times like the night I stood over her crib for 15 minutes trying to get her to take a paci and go to sleep, frustrated that she wouldn't until I realized she had a terribly dirty diaper that had exploded all over her clothes.

Or the time I heard her fussing while I was doing laundry and came around the corner to find she had fallen out of the MamaRoo and was face down on the carpet (when she was 2 weeks old).

Or the day she woke up with a huge scratch on her cheek from her tiny hands flailing in her sleep, so I decided to trim her nails during which I clipped her skin and made her bleed (and scream).

It's times like these that I fret over for a few minutes and then I kiss her head and I say "My bad, babe. Probably won't be the last time." And alas, it probably won't.

But the good news is that Sam and I both know this:

Quinn is not ours. 

She is on loan to us. We were chosen and are extremely blessed to be her parents and teach her how to navigate this world, but she does not belong to us. She is God's, and He is her ultimate keeper.

He loves her more than we do.
He knows her better than we ever will.
He has bigger plans for her than we do.
He has her in the palm of His hand, always.

So heres to all the future falls off the bed and bumps on the head and times we yell when we should hug and things we forget that are important, and all the other ways we will let you down, baby girl. Because inevitably, we will. But even when we don't do the best by you, God's got you, cause you're His.

And that brings all the comfort in the world to a mama who won't always get it right.

she will watch me

Two years ago for Memorial Day Weekend I spent some time with my family on the lake of Joe Wheeler State Park. We spent hours and hours out on the water in the boat, tubing, on jet skis, lying on the docks, and fishing. The weather was beautiful and breezy and the company couldn't have been any better. It was a glorious few days.

I remember one evening after a full day of being out in the sun my sisters and I all gathered in the bathroom getting ready for the evening. We were headed to the cabin next door where our extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents were staying to celebrate my aunt's birthday. Of course being that we had all been kissed by the sun for hours and had used soaking in the river as an alternative to washing our hair, we all had our share of "river rat" look. Still, we put on real clothes and tamed our manes in front of the mirror.

As we stood all 4 of us side by side fighting for elbow room in the tiny bathroom, I noticed my youngest sister who was then 17 years old looking at herself next to me. I studied her suntanned face and curly hair (taking note of how much she resembled me.) "I think we shouldn't wear makeup tonight. Our faces look pretty enough cause they're tan and it'll mostly be just family anyway," I stated. She agreed and we both made our way back to the living room to the couch.

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We waited around for the boys to come in off the water and helped Mama in the kitchen for a while, getting things ready for supper. There was a small mirror in the living room and each time I passed it I took the usual and habitual survey of myself, as all women do. After about the fourth time of seeing myself in the mirror I decided the spaces below my eyes that don't tan were a bit too white for the rest of my rose-colored face. So I proceeded back to the bathroom to add a little foundation here and there.

I dabbed away at the pale places and added some blush here and there, just for good measure. My youngest sister appeared in the doorway. "Uh! You said we weren't wearing makeup. Why are you putting on foundation?" I responded that I was simply "evening things out." She looked at me and then at herself in the mirror... again I recognized how similar we looked. She studied her own face intentionally and then pondered, "Well," she said, "Do I need to even things out too?"

I assured her repeatedly "Of course not. You look fine! Your face looks good with the amount of sun it got today." She looked at me and looked back at her reflection, clearly unconvinced. She finally decided her skin tone was too uneven as well and began dabbing away at the white spaces under her big blue eyes.

At the time, I thought nothing of this encounter. But as I count down the days to finally meeting my baby girl and beginning the adventure of raising a daughter, this memory keeps circulating in my mind. I truly believed my baby sister looked beautiful the way she was, but I didn't believe it about myself. Just saying it wasn't enough.. she was watching my actions. When they didn't match, the actions won.

How will I teach my baby girl that she is beautiful because she was made by the King of the Universe and not because she is a size 2 and wears tight jeans? How will I teach her that the most beautiful part of her is a heart that loves her God and loves others and not her legs or hips or chest? How will I teach my little girl that she doesn't need expensive clothes or jewelry or makeup to be the prettiest version of herself she can be?

She will not learn these things just from me telling her or writing them down for her or posting them on her bathroom mirror. She will watch me and see what I do, how I value myself, where I find my worth. She will take note of how much time and energy I spend on my outward appearance and how much time and energy I spend on making my heart more beautiful and more likened to serving others.

She may not listen to me, especially as she grows. But Lord, help me, for she will watch me.

i have arrived

Well ya'll- I have arrived.

I'm officially here and sleeping underneath this humongous Texas sky. It's beautiful, by the way.

My last few days in Murfreesboro were bittersweet in the most real way. I guess it isn't until you start to leave a place that you realize how invested you have become in relationships even in the span of just one year. It feels in my heart like I've been there my whole life. Funny how everywhere I live, I feel that way when I leave. It always seems like I'm never going to find equal or adequate new friends or family, but everywhere I go, God provides just that. My heart grows to fit more people in it every time. It's crazy.

I feel like a picture blog is much more appropriate for this post, so that you can get a good look at how blessed I am. On top of numerous going away gifts and notes of well wishes and facebook posts of encouragement and prayers, here is how Delilah [my kitty] and I spent our last few days saying "See you when I see you." [which is my preferred alternative to the traditional "goodbye"-- I'm not much for traditional, but I would imagine you already knew that].

Last night of work on 4 west.. my amazing coworkers threw me a party, gave me advice, and prayed over me the next morning as they sent me out. They have been so encouraging and supportive.. I don't even have words to say how thankful I am for each of them.

My fabulous siblings surprised me and showed up, along with my aunt Debi and uncle Jimmy, my parents, and my Nanny, at my aunt Margrey and uncle Roy's house for a going away dinner the night before I left. [Everyone except Sis and Hunter, who sent me the sweetest package in the mail]. They're the best, obviously.

The moving process went fairly smoothly... I hired a couple guys from a moving company to come put my stuff in a U-Haul for me. They were worried to death about not being able to fit all my stuff in the trailer.. finally I had them stop and look at me and I stated "Listen guys. This is just stuff. I'm moving to Texas, with or without it. So do what you can, and I'll replace the rest." And that was that. I made it out with almost everything.. I had to leave behind my dining table and chairs and my craft pallet table. The sacrifices we make, eh? Totally worth it, by the way.

Delilah enjoying the jungle gym the boxes created before we loaded it all. She was so confused about what was going on.. not sure why? I've been telling her daily that we are moving, guess it had to happen before she believed me :)

And then, at 9pm I picked up Sam from the airport in Nashville, we had a quick ice cream double date with a couple friends who have recently moved back to the Nashville area, and we drove back to Murfreesboro. Last minute cleaning and packing complete, we set out bright and early at 6am the next morning to make the journey.

this is what we look like in real life.

and this is us in our fake life when we're nearing the end of a more-than-half-a-day car ride.

It took 14 hours. We couldn't go over 60 mph because of the U-Haul. We stopped 5 times to eat and stretch and pee. We ate candy and chips and drank caffeine. We rocked out to tons of music. We played the alphabet game with animals. We made up acronyms from license plates that passed. We played 20 questions about 20 times. We were quiet some, but not much. We held hands and I picked at his whiskers and we burped out loud and I complained that his stink, cause they do. And we laughed so hard and so many times that by the time we made it to our destination, I had no more eyeliner left. It was fabulous.

And I know many of you are wondering about Delilah.. you should know she tolerated the trip like a champ. Best cat ever. She rode in her carrier the whole way, no crying, no messing in it. She's adjusting well. Such a good kitty.

We have been greeted here in Plano by an incredible outpouring of love from new friends. We are currently staying with a friend and coworker of Sam's because the apartment won't be ready for moving in until Oct 9thish. Friends helped move my stuff into a storage building, and have already been asking when they can help move it into an apartment. I am doing my best to learn new kids at church.. my goal is 5 a Sunday until I know them all [or most of them]. We have spent the weekend at church or eating out or watching New Girl.. so much fun. It's so nice to be just be in the same place. And to know it's not just for a week or a weekend.

Oh, and I know I've told you before, but I have an Ebenezer that I'm building [a concept from 1 Samuel 4-7]. It's a glass vase full of flat rocks covered in sharpie that declare specific ways that God has been faithful. They read things like "Graduated nursing school" or "Karis learned to walk" or "Nursing job in Dallas." It serves as a visual reminder that God provides, exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. It's so much fun to be reminded of that, especially when things appear to be unraveling or up in the air. Anyway, I added another stone last week.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the new Junior High Youth Minister at Prestonwood. I have never been more proud of him. And I am so excited to be here to watch him change lives as he disciples kids and teaches them about Jesus. He is going to be great.

I guess that's enough for today. If you're still hangin in, thanks for reading :) I start my job October 7th. Until then I'm just basically doing whatever I want. So thankful for all of you and your prayers and words of encouragement.. they are all felt and appreciated like you wouldn't believe. Until next time... Love from Texas!

my strong suit

I figured out how to upgrade software on my iPhone. I'm now an iOS 7 user.

Twice in 12 hours I almost threw my phone because I couldn't figure out how to work the thing with new icons and zooming screens and a strange calendar. And then, I regretted the upgrade.

Change is not my strong suit.

Crazy, right? Considering change is inevitable and seems to stalk me like a tiger in the jungle hunting an innocent antelope. [yes, tigers hunt antelope. I googled it].

Last weekend my family came and stayed the night with me. We wedding dress shopped, ate ridiculous amounts of unhealthy restaurant food, made wedding crafts, watched football, visited and devoured sweets from a delicious bakery, and ended the evening with a slumber party in the living room on air mattresses, grown-up-kids-style. They got up and left the next morning and I hugged my baby sisters goodbye and casually added "See you at Christmas" to which my 17-yr-old sister Sam declared "What?! This sucks."

And alas, it does, to an extent. My fam is tight, and my siblings and their significant others and my parents are my best friends. And it's not ideal to live half a day away from people you care so much about.

But, you wanna know what is ideal? And what I am 110% excited about? This guy.

Watching New Girl and making dinner. Going on dates and double dates and triple dates. Working and watching him work. Doing life physically together instead of via facetime and text messages and bedtime phone calls. Building each other up and praying for each other and learning how to navigate the world together, cause lets be real, life is hard and things don't always go as planned and all that is so much easier to walk through holding hands with someone who knows you and makes even the rainiest day look a little bit sunny.

I'm excited about making much of Jesus with him in the lives of kids and parents and everyone in between.

I don't do change well, but I do it a heck of a lot better with Sam.

I've booked movers and cancelled my cable and rented a U-Haul and I have 3 days of work left and my living room looks like a Kroger stock room full of my things sneakily disguised in boxes labeled with cereal names. And in less than a week, I'm blowing this Popsicle stand.

More to come people... it's about to get real. Stay tuned.

guess what?

Hi friends :)
So guess what?

My baby brother got married!

And guess what else?

I got to spend a whole 5 days with this guy.

He's pretty much my fav. But really. I've known him for years, but the timing was never good for us all through college, and because he lives in Dallas and I live in Murfreesboro, you might say the timing isn't really that good now either, but it actually is. Promise.

I have never felt so immediately connected with someone, especially not someone so far away. He is by far the most thoughtful, grownup, smart, not to mention handsome guy I've ever known. We stay on the same page, all day err day, and he makes me feel like I am a treasure. I know, you're jealous, as you should be. Sorry ladies, he's taken. Back off.

I don't know what else to say today except that life is crazy. And mine is up in the air, and I have the hardest time trusting God when I can't see how things are going to fall into place [isn't that how it always seems to go?]. But I know He is faithful. I know He has plans. I know He makes promises and keeps them. I know He provides for His children. I know He is my God, and if He is for us, what can be against us?

Be encouraged today, friends! Whatever you are going through or waiting for or uneasy about, take it to Jesus. He loves when we do that. And He will be faithful. Promise.

I'll keep you posted. Adios!

summer in snapshots

Oh my goodness... sweet friends, I am still alive. I know some of you must be wondering where in the world I have been. My apologies for the extended absence from the blog world... the thing is, it's summer, you know. And this has definitely been one heck of a summer for this girl. So, I want to catch you up but I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'm allowing myself one picture and one sentence to explain per random event I want to tell you about so far. Hold on to your hats people... here we go!

-A weekend at Joe Wheeler State Park in Alabama with the Dishman cousins from Atlanta.

-Completed #19 on my "101 in 1001" List: Refinish a piece of furniture. Child's dresser ($50 on Craig's List) repurposed as a TV stand.

-Spent Father's Day weekend in Monteagle, TN with my mom's side of the family for our annual mountain summer trip.

-Spent a week in Texas with an awesome group of people and a very sweet [and handsome] guy, being the Camp Nurse for Junior High summer camp at Prestonwood Baptist Church. So. Much. Fun.

-I have been working 3 nights a week [believe it or not, between all these trips], and I have had the opportunity to complete several more things on my list. Like #36: Leave a 100% tip, which I did after work one morning when I hit up the Waffle House solo style for breakfast. And #42: Play in the rain, which went down outside the hospital on the way to my car at about 7:30am when I was delirious from no sleep and had the time of my life splashing in puddles and spinning in circles in a downpour because I knew I was going to be in my bed in a matter of minutes and that's all that really mattered at the time. And like #77: Hug a stranger. This I do pretty frequently to console anxious families or comfort scared or lonely patients... it never fails to remind me of why I'm a nurse.

-And also, I went to Panama City Beach for our every-summer family vacay! Despite terribly thunderstormish weather and some super frustrating hotel reservation drama, we had a fabulous time! And I completed #49: Build a sand castle. [p.s. this is like WAY harder than I thought].

Whew. It has been one heck of a summer so far! And we still have a whole wedding to go! Through it all, I am being constantly reminded of how faithful my God is, and how much better His plans are than mine, and how He really is working all things together for my good. Can't wait to tell you more!

For now, love from me!

happy birthday!

This past Saturday I turned a quarter of a century old!! Yep.. that's right, the big 2-5! It was quite possibly my best birthday yet [I think I feel that way almost every year haha].

It was complete with:
-a steady stream of texts all day long from best friends, family, people I met last week, and people I've known since I was born
-facebook posts out the wahzoo.. so much fun!
-a 12 hour work day with the best patients I could have had
-the most thoughtful co-workers who know me well enough to get me the perfect gifts!
-a hand-delivered delicious dessert from my small group leader.. such a surprise!
-the majority of my family crouched behind my kitchen counter and my whole apartment decorated for a small surprise celebration when I got off work!
-a sweet package from my Sis because she lives entirely too far away.
-a half-refridgerator-door-full of birthday cards!
-and a few other surprises that we'll possibly discuss at a later date :)

Here are the pictures [however low-quality they might be] to prove how fabulous the day was!

my favorite nail polish ever and a handmade pen from Debbie!

a journal and the cutest card ever from Niki!

delicious treat from Robyn and the YoPros!



 



surprise party from the fam!

a stack of my fav lottery tickets EVER from my daddy!

package from my Sis and Hunter!





my fridge makes me smile now :)

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I celebrated the accomplishment of making it to a quarter of a century! And p.s., highlight of my week by far, this baby girl's birthday is TODAY! She is two years old.. I cannot believe how quick she's growing. I'd give anything to give her a birthday hug... but it's in the Lord's time. Celebrate her with me today by sending a birthday prayer her way!

Happy Birthday Karis!

 

no judging.

My work schedule has been absolutely crazy the past week, and it remains so this coming week. But while I have a moment to catch my breath, I wanted to tell you about some things I've been doing lately, and wishing for lately, and missing lately, and, well, you know, just life.

#58 on my "101 in 1001" List is complete: Do a science experiment.
[I might have used my mom's babysitting kids as an excuse to do this one so I didn't feel so much like a loser making a baking soda volcano...don't judge me.]

From left to right, this is Lila, me, Kale, Tatum, and Boone. They were super excited to be making a "bolcano".. obvs, although it was a little anticlimactic after it was all said and done haha. Turns out volcanoes erupt slowly... we were looking for a little more action.

#55 on my "101 in 1001" List has also been completed: Subscribe to a magazine.
Today I subscribed to my first magazine.. 1 years worth of monthly editions of Nursing2013. It's full of the latest clinical techniques, drug updates, ethical issues, and on and on of all types of nursing. I'm pretty excited, not gonna lie.


there isn't a 2013 edition yet... this is one from last year.

[Again, no judgement please. I'm well aware that this subscription makes me a nerd. And I'm okay with that.]

In other news...
My baby brother is getting married in July! Which means I'm getting a new sister!! KaLee has been a part of the fam since we can all remember anyway... but it'll be so fun to make it official.

And, I'm desperately missing two things on a daily basis.
#1: SUMMER [this girl needs some sunshine and sand in her life. and a tan, desperately].

#2: THIS BABY GIRL [who isn't such a baby anymore at all.]

And, for this beautiful year of 2013, me and my blood sistas and a few of my Christ sistas are joining Beth Moore and some Siestas for a year of scripture memory. Check it out and join us, won't you?
Click here.

2012 [in snap shots]

January 2012

I got to go to Passion 2012, which was lifechanging and heartbreaking and really challenged us all to DO SOMETHING.

 I returned to Haiti, where I'd left my heart.

February 2012

I turned 24, in Santiago, Dominican Republic, while watching 4 kids' lives be saved by open heart surgeries that made them well.

March 2012

I got to see a little girl eat a popsicle for the first time. It was priceless.

I got to serve in Haiti with my brothers and sisters and parents in Christ, my Calvary family. I can't even explain how much of a blessing it was.

April 2012

God called me to make America my physical home again. Now I have two homes in my heart. Leaving my friends and family in Haiti and not knowing when I'll see them again was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

May 2012

I had one of the toughest months of my life trying to readjust to American life. It felt like I didn't fit in, and no one understood what I was going through. Praise the Lord for friends and family who loved me through it.

I was a bridesmaid in my beautiful friend Elizabeth's wedding!

We grieved [though some of us miles away] the loss of a precious baby boy who lost his short fight with AIDS.

June 2012

I spent a fabulous weekend at the river with the majority of my sweet fam! [missed my sis, of course]

I was a bridesmaid in my beautiful friend Kristen's wedding!

July 2012

We went on our annual vacation to Panama City Beach! So much fun!

Then, I had my heart broken by a boy like I never thought possible.

August 2012

I began the extremely long and painful process of embracing this verse with all my heart.

The baby girl that I love more than anything in the world started WALKING! And I got to see it via Skype :)

I got my first big girl job, and moved, yet again, to a new city.

September 2012

I went to the county fair and rode the Tilt-a-Whirl for the first time in several years. Basically a blast!

October 2012

I decorated tons of pumpkins for Halloween!

And only by the grace and mercy of God was I able to completely understand and conquer the bitterness in my heart and the amount of freedom that comes with forgiving others.

November 2012

I worked my first holiday [definitely won't be the last... turns out people still get sick, even on Thanksgiving and Christmas]. But because of that I got to celebrate Thanksgiving with some extended family in Murfreesboro!

And I learned how to Geocache.

December 2012

I took my Daddy to a candy store.

I gave my big dog a tasty ham bone.

And I got to spend time with my family/best friends, who I wouldn't trade for the world.

This is my life in snapshots from 2012. I got a new devotional for Christmas and couldn't wait to start it so I started on December 31st. That entry is focused on 1 Samuel 7:12 which reads "Thus far has the Lord helped us." It focuses in on the phrase "thus far." This phrase points toward the past, and as I look back on 2012 I would say it was most likely the hardest year of my life to date. I can also confidently say that my God was faithful through it all. I grew so much and learned so much and He never left me... He carried me through it all, as my Provider and my Protector, even on the toughest days. "Thus far" also points toward the future.. it indicates that there is more to come. I know there are more trials to come, more learning and growing to take place in 2013 and the years after that. But I also know that my God never leaves. He's been with me thus far, and He always will be. So it is with high expectations and great joy that I tip my hat to 2012 and say farewell, and turn my gaze forward with a smirk as if to say, "2013, bring it on."