shifting sand.

"It's hard to stand, on shifting sand..." 

Doesn't the thought of the sand beneath your feet actually shifting while you try to stand up just totally freak you out? Yea, it does me too. How about when the life beneath your feet starts going every which way except the way you thought it would, while you try to remain upright and not have a complete meltdown? Yea, thats kinda where I'm at about now. :)

If you had asked me on March 29th [the day I left Haiti] where I would be and what I would be doing on June 11th, I would have been able to tell you with a pretty large amount of certainty what I thought, and I would have been confident. And I would have been dead wrong. As it turns out, plans I make on my own and time lines that I create in my head that seem like they are flawless to me, aren't always exactly what God has planned. And thank goodness, right? I can't even count the times that I've thanked Him for NOT giving me what I wanted after I realize what a disaster it would have been. Let me reiterate that that always comes AFTER I see the end result. I don't see the end result of this yet.

So, where exactly am I right now, you wonder? I'm back at home, in Lawrenceburg, living back with my family. Turns out, it isn't exactly possible to live on your own in another city with no income... for some reason your bank account declines at a fairly steady rate. When I went to Haiti, I had to adjust to living with a ton of people, sharing a room, almost no privacy in any shape form or fashion, and only being alone when I was in the shower [literally]. Once I came back to America and was staying in Knoxville, I had to adjust to staying in a room by myself again, all the privacy and silence I could possibly want, and being alone a great majority of the time [it was harder than you'd think to go back to that]. Then I moved back to Lawrenceburg, and I'm now in the process of readjusting yet again to living with a ton of people, sharing a room [sometimes], an extremely high noise level, an extremely low privacy level, and having to actually make time to spend alone. All this adjusting is enough to wear a girl out.
I'm looking for a job in the Nashville area. So far I've only applied at hospitals. I really don't have a preference as to what type of nursing I'd like to try [except no ER, ICU, or anything of the sort that would make me a pressure cooker about to explode every day]. I think my ideal job would be in oncology or pediatrics or newborn or a general medsurg. However, at this point, I'm not too picky. I'm not sure I even want to be a nurse, but I have a degree and a license and I like people and I want to share the love of Jesus by helping to heal the sick, so I might as well give it a try, right? So, the job hunt continues. I'm looking to get hired as a New Graduate, for those of you that can put a good word in for me. [wink wink] [no, but really. If ya got any advice or any contacts, cbeckma3@utk.edu.]

Oh, and another adjusting that has proven to be particularly difficult... when I moved to Haiti I had to adjust to basically having no church family. Of course we went to church, but there were only a handful of English speaking people. Then I moved back to Knoxville, and I was back at Calvary where I am surrounded daily by brothers and sisters in Christ who love and support me. Then I moved back home and am now readjusting to having no legit Christian friends around me, no small group of girls to share life with Christ with, and no church family to fellowship with. I can't exactly plug into a church here, because ideally I'm moving to Nashville soon [depending on the job situation]. But I can't exactly plug into a church in Nashville yet, seeing as I don't live there. So, here I sit, hanging in limbo.

Limbo's kinda fun, for about 4 weeks. After that, it starts wearing on you. I think I'm on like a 3 day cycle... as in, every 3 days I totally freak out and let myself downward spiral into I'm never going to get a job or move out of the house or get married or have kids or even have a car with automatic doors and windows!!!!!! and then I cry and act really dramatic like a 4 year old wanting candy in a grocery store, and then I remember how faithful my Jesus is. And how many times before He has provided exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. And I get in my Word and I pray, and I'm reassured that He hasn't forgotten me, and that my only job is to TRUST HIM, and wait. So, I do, until 3 days later when I freak out all over again. It's becoming exhausting, really.

Praise the Lord that He doesn't give up on us though. I'm beyond thankful for a God who forgives and provides, and who, when I do have a complete meltdown and the people around me get tired of listening and I feel like I am all alone, wraps me up in the warmest of hugs and holds me close, and whispers in my ear, "Child, be still. You are mine. I am here. I have not and will never forget you." There is no greater comfort, friends. I can't guarantee much, but I can guarantee that.