no thing more beautiful.

A few days ago, my husband and I celebrated 6 months of being married. By celebrated I mean we have both had a respiratory infection and cough so we went to church and then Sam ate leftover pizza, I ate a tuna sandwich, we watched TV on the couch while eating BlueBell ice-cream and went to bed at 9:15.

We've had quite a ride so far.. it's been an eventful half a year. We adopted two puppies, we survived high school football season, I dropped my hours at work to be home more, we found out on our 3 month anniversary we are pregnant! We celebrated our first Christmas without our families,  I went back to work full time on day shift, we survived Freedom Weekend (our biggest student event of the year), we spent a few days in the third world visiting my family in Haiti swimming in the ocean in 90 degree weather and then endured a few snow days at home together back in Texas.

We have learned each other well.. Sam has learned how to sleep with my snoring (mostly), I've learned what Sam likes on his salads. We have learned how to hurt each other's feelings and how to apologize when we aren't our best. We've also learned how to encourage each other better and how to be each other's biggest fan. We have learned compromise and how to pick the important battles. We have laughed so much, and both cried some too.

On our six month anniversary, we laid in bed with the lights out, dogs asleep in crates in the floor, the humidifier buzzing so I can breathe while my stomach grows it seems every night. My husband snuggled in to my neck and I could feel his breath on my skin, like he does every night. After a few seconds of silence, I whispered, "Are you sleepy?" (I ask this every other night at least). He whispered back a quiet "no."

I thought for a few minutes, and then posed the question, "Tell me something you've learned since we got married. About life or about yourself or about me, anything. Just something you learned."

He was quiet in thought and then he said, "You tell me yours first." He knows me well.

I decided on the thing that I feel I have learned most recently and explained it to him like this:

I have always heard people say that when you get married, you don't start over with a new life but instead everything in your past comes with you. I never knew until we got married how true this was. I had no idea the choices (both good and bad) that Sam and I made long before we ever knew we would one day be husband and wife could so dramatically effect the way we function as a married couple. It's fascinating, and terrifying at the same time. My husband agrees.

Sam thought for a minute longer and then he told me that he has learned this:
"I never knew until I married you that there were so many parts of myself that I couldn't see. I feel like I was not capable of seeing the best parts of myself or the worst parts of myself until there was someone else looking at them with me. Then I had no choice but to face them."

I smiled in the dark. I know him also.

I have found no thing more beautiful than the way being joined as husband and wife allows us to know each other, and the way that God allows us to love each other deeper with every detail we learn about ourselves and our spouse.

My husband and I agree and state it aloud often that marriage is hard. We also agree that it is the ultimate refining process and we know that God uses us and our own sin to make the other look more like Jesus every day. Every single day we learn grace better, and mercy better, and how to love better.

Like I said, I have found no thing more beautiful.

sacrificial love

I run through the drive thru less so he can go more.

In the driveway, he parks furthest from the door so I can park closest.

I love orange sherbet ice cream, but I buy Neapolitan because I know he likes it better.

When the dogs bark at 5am, he gets up and lets them out, every time.

We are learning the meaning of

sacrificial love.

Day in and day out, my husband and I are becoming more and more aware of what it looks like to put someone else's needs above our own.

I get tired of making the bed every morning and sometimes I don't want to do dishes or laundry, but I still do, for him. He prefers sci-fi movies and sitcoms about the government, but he took me to see "The Box Trolls" and he watches "Grey's Anatomy" on Thursdays.

If we have learned one thing about this thing called marriage, it's that it entails a never ending stream of sacrifice. We each do things we would never do if it were up to us.

Yet we do them joyfully, and willingly.

We pour ourselves out to each other and serve each other so that at the end of every day we climb into the bed exhausted in our bones and in our souls, but we can always say that

we have given each other all we had.

Because we are husband and wife.

And it is our heart's desire not just to love each other, but to love each other well.

[photos by Rachel Moore Photography]

unclench your teeth

Sam and I honeymooned in Nassau, Bahamas at a Sandal's all-inclusive resort. Crystal clear water, food for days, king sized bed, and best of all, no phones or internet. The one on one time with no obligation or desire to connect with the real world made it a heavenly trip. While there, we decided to embark on a few of the adventures suggested by the resort. One of these was a snorkeling trip!

Neither of us had been snorkeling in the ocean before, and we were both super excited. After a little mix up with the booking office, we were finally cleared to get on the boat. It was a huge sailboat and we were the first of probably 50 people to board so naturally we got the best seats. The three hour endeavor included an hour boat ride out, an hour of snorkeling, and an hour ride back. It was a beautiful sunny day and the breeze from the ocean couldn't have felt better as we glided across the water to the snorkeling location.

For whatever reason, when I read "snorkeling" I assumed we would be taken to an island of some sort and would be wading in the ocean with snorkeling masks and goggles, looking at all the beautiful fish that swim in water I can still touch bottom in. You can imagine my surprise, then, when the boat stopped and dropped a huge anchor in the very middle of the ocean. The crew began handing out flippers and goggles and such, a ladder was extended from the center of the boat down into the deep ocean water, and it soon registered with me that this was where we would be snorkeling. The lifeguard made a few announcements about staying on the right side of the boat and not kicking each other in the face with our flippers and then added as an afterthought almost, "You'll be in the water for about an hour. If you're not a strong swimmer we have some life vests." I can swim just fine in a swimming pool or lake or any body of water really, but had absolutely no desire to test my swimming skills in the middle of the 100 ft deep ocean rolling with waves and teaming with fish. I was first in line for a jacket.

Sam went down the ladder ahead of me and then helped me get my flippers on as I entered the water. We swam easily to the right side of the boat where the coral reef was. It was beautiful with all kinds of colorful fish and plants. We swam beside each other and pointed things out underwater, coming up frequently to clear our goggles or blow water from our tubes. We also spent a considerable amount of time cackling at each other as we talked inaudibly through our tubes underwater. Sam was having the time of his life. He loved every minute of it. After about 45 minutes, I pulled him above water and said "Hey. Just so you know, I am really having to talk myself into not panicking." The water was rough! And when we got to the edge of the reef we could see hundreds of feet down below into deep water where any number of fish could be, including sharks! We had to work hard to stay near the boat and even then we inevitably floated away and had to constantly swim back. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but after the hour was up I was definitely ready to get back in the boat.

Once back onboard, we turned in our gear and resumed our positions on the front of the boat. This is when I realized that my jaw was sore.

I had had my teeth clenched tight on my mouth piece the entire hour I was in the water. 

There were too many factors that I couldn't control for me to relax while I was snorkeling. The water, the waves, the fish, the goggles, the other people, the boat... I had no control over these things and could not say with certainty what they may or may not do.

How often do we find ourselves in this position in our lives? We are constantly surrounded by things we can't control... factors like our circumstances or other people's choices or our environment. Whether it is a job situation or a dying marriage or a sassy two year old or rebellious teenagers or terrible teachers or bad weather or unexpected news or a life altering daignosis... we cannot control everything that happens to us. And this makes us stressed, and tense, and unable to enjoy the world around us.

Praise that there is a God who is in control. And who is bigger than us and who has been here before us and knows already what is best for us.

Unclench your teeth friends.. relax your tense muscles.

Give your anxieties to the Lord, take a deep breath, and know that He's got you. It's better that way, I promise.

two weeks in

Tonight marks two weeks since our wedding day! We are sitting at a little coffee shop reflecting on our first two weeks of marriage and we have decided to share with you a few things we have learned since the honeymoon is over and we are officially back to reality. 

Of course, one of the biggest changes that we have faced has been learning to sleep in the same bed through the night. The first night we were back in Dallas we tucked ourselves into bed beside each other and I rolled over and looked Sam right in the eyes and said, "Hey babe. Guess what? When you wake up in the morning, I'll still be here :)" He smiled and responded, "Hey babe. Guess what? You're in the middle of the bed." 

Three mornings later as we sat up at 7am having our morning coffee, Sam turned to me and in his most sweet husband voice said "Hey babe. How would you feel about considering some nose strips for you? You snore." I died laughing. We are learning each other, thats for sure. And as of now, we continue to survive without the nose strips.

A few nights ago for the first time Sam fell asleep and I laid awake in the dark, afraid to move for waking him up. After half an hour of listening to him breath, I slithered to the edge of the bed and slipped my ipad from the floor, darkening the screen so it wouldn't wake him. I proceeded to flip hamburgers on a ridiculous cooking game for an hour or two while he slept soundly beside me. Whatever works, right?

One of our favorite things to do on nights we have off from the real world (which let's be honest, doesn't happen that often), is drink coffee at a restaurant with a bottomless coffee bar and plan student discipleship or write sermons or do our devotionals beside each other. We are working on befriending our waiter as I'm typing this, actually. 

We spend at least two nights a week at various football games supporting players and cheerleaders. We are so excited for the fall weather.. I personally can't wait to decorate and carve pumpkins and drink apple cider until I explode! I'm trying to talk Sam into dressing up in a couples costume for Halloween. He's not convinced. Maybe because I want to be Cruella Deville and I want him to be a Dalmatian on a leash? I'll keep thinking on it.... haha

Speaking of dogs, tomorrow afternoon we are officially adopting not one, but TWO puppies! They are 15 week old Australian Shepherd mixes.. brother and sister. The boy's name is Siri and he is black with a little white on his face.. he's calm and reserved. The girl's name is Echo and she is white with a little black on her face.. she's crazy and energetic and in your face constantly wanting attention. "They match us!" Sam says. I wasn't sold on two puppies at one time, but once I met them I couldn't resist. They are so so so cute. I'll probably reference this email in which I'm excited about it multiple times over the next few months when I will inevitably want to give them away. Puppy training begins immediately, don't worry.

I guess thats it for now! We are doing great as husband and wife and are sending love from Texas to wherever you are!

bubble wrap and cardboard

My parents swear that the moment any of us finds out we are pregnant, we should immediately purchase a quality video camera. My siblings and I grew up with the video camera in our faces, recording everything from holiday mornings to birthday parties to school plays to everyday life. Needless to say, some of our best and worst moments are captured on film for us to relive as many times as we want. One particular video clip recently came to mind.

I was 4 years old and earlier in the day had been to my very first "Mother's Day Out" event at a local kids program. It was two hours of fun things like making cupcakes and finger painting and dancing. My daddy had me sitting in the floor reliving the day for him on camera. I threw my crazy blonde curls around and batted my baby blue eyes at him as he soaked up every word I said while I told him about my adventurous day at "Sticky Fingers." At one point in the conversation, he zoomed the camera in to the nametag still stuck to the front of my shirt. "Chelsey," he read, "Whats that on your shirt?" "My name tag!" I said. He pushed further... "Whats that for anyway?" And I responded, "Hmm. I don't know." So my sweet patient Daddy took the opportunity to teach me something new. He explained, "I bet cause there were so many kids there, the teacher couldn't remember all your names. So she put your name tag right where she could see it so that when she saw you finger painting she could read your name tag and say 'Chelsey! You're doing such a great job!'" I looked down at my name tag, then back at him, pensively. "Nuh-huh, thats not right," I responded, very matter-of-factly. My Daddy chuckled to himself and said, "No? What do you think it's for then?" I studied the name tag again and said, "I don't know. But thats not right."

I was a stubborn kid, to say the least. I've outgrown many things in my 26 years of life, and I'd like to think thats one of them. But then, things like this happen.

Sam and I had been discussing getting a couple of new pieces of furniture for our house. So one evening we drove to Target and purchased a beautiful teal entertainment center along with a wire storage shelf for the garage. When we got home, we tore in to both boxes and soon the living room floor was covered with bubble wrap and cardboard and screws. "Lets race," I challenged. I chose the garage shelf (mostly because it didn't require any tools, and also because not many people will ever see it) and Sam started on the TV stand. We chatted and laughed and hurried, and I finished first. However, my shelf had a significant lean to it. It was upright and definitely usable, but it took very little force to make it slouch to one side. "I don't think it's supposed to lean like that," my future hubs observed aloud. "It's fine!" I said, assuredly. "Once we get weight on the bottom shelf it will stabilize." I was sure.

So Sam hauled the shelf to the garage and we began piling the heavy things on the bottom shelf. To my complete surprise, there was still a very apparent lean. I began suggesting we add more things, perhaps it needs more weight. Sam, so gentle and patient, turns to me and says, "Hey babe, where are the instructions?" My mouth gaped. "EXCUSE ME?" I exclaimed. "Are you suggesting I did something wrong?! Because I KNOW how to read you know! It's not that hard!" Again, so patient. He says, "I believe you dear... I just wanna see them." I fling the manual in his direction and half-stomp inside where I plopped purposefully on the couch, arms crossed.

About 3 minutes went by during which I convinced myself that I was about to marry a sexist pig who assumed that just because I am a girl I can't put together a stupid shelf that didn't even require tools! How dare he question my building abilities! And then he appeared in the doorway, doing his absolute best to cover an amused grin. "So, dear... it turns out you did a good job, but you weren't exactly right. The shelves are all on upside down." I glared at him. And he let me. And then he proceeded to the garage where he took the whole thing apart and put it back together the way it was supposed to be. About halfway through the rebuilding process, I swallowed my pride and held the pieces for him as I mumbled under my breath, "Maybe you were right." Low and behold, the lean disappeared.

Alas, the blonde curls may be brown now and the blue eyes have turned green, but I am still the same hard-headed little girl. And I am still blessed to be loved my a most patient man who not only tolerates but embraces my stubborn heart.

romans and grace.

In the New Year we felt ambitious.. like the world was at our fingertips for the first time, like anything was possible and we had all the time we'd like to get where we wanted to go. In the New Year we set goals.. physical, relational, spiritual. Weigh this much, spend more time with these people, read this book, study this scripture. We made lists in moleskins of what we wanted to do, things we vowed to change. We made promises to each other and to ourselves, and to our God. In the New Year, we felt ambitious.

Just over four months later, our moleskins are under magazines or under the front seat of our car, gathering dust somewhere with lists of New Years promises rotting away inside. Time goes so quickly, and life gets so busy, and we have lost our gumption, we say. Clothes pile up and groceries must be bought and rooms need painting and the pool needs cleaning and it turns out a kitchen cabinet makeover takes a lot more time and effort than we thought. We get up early and we go to bed late and still it seems there isn't time in a day to do all we need to do, all we have promised to do, all we want to do. So we settle into routines and day to day life and without our knowing it but with our complete permission promises like reading more and praying more and eating healthier and being more intentional with our thoughts and words are lost somewhere between sleeping and eating and homework and working and painting and life. Four months later, we have broken promises to each other, to ourselves, and to our God.

And then we are challenged, by students or friends or family or mentors, to go back to the basics. To turn off the TV and to put down the dish rags and paint brushes. To get in the Word with hearts that are searching for Him, to know Him better, to desire Him more. And so I dig up the moleskin with the list and I go back. And so what? some say... New Years resolutions are made to be broken. And if they were only resolutions then that may be so, but these were promises, and they were made to be kept. I flip through the notebook, find my list. "Memorize scripture" I read. I have memorized one verse in four months. A promise I made and did not keep.

I go into the office and open a Bible study workbook I started two years ago. It was supposed to last five weeks. And isn't that how the story goes.. starting things with vigor and slowly they slip through our fingers and get pushed aside. Today's lesson, which was actually yesterdays lesson two years ago, landed on Ecclesiastes 5:4-6:

"When you make a vow to God, don't delay fulfilling it, because He does not delight in fools. Fulfill what you vow. Better that you do not vow than that you vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth bring guilt on you, and do not say in the presence of a messenger that it was a mistake."

I snap the book closed abruptly, I can feel Him. He knows me. My heart is overwhelmed with conviction.

It has been just over a year since this started... this crazy thing with this amazing guy who is my soon-to-be husband. And if we could see it all, we would know it has actually been far longer than a year. When my hands are busy in dirty dish water or broom and dust pan, my mind wanders and always lands on him. I look up from the sink to see him smiling at me from across the room. Early in the morning when I come in the door after running ragged at the hospital for 13 hours, he pushes my curls back and tells me I am beautiful.  When I hover over the stove or the sewing machine or clean clothes, I can feel him watching me with eyes that love to pieces.

Sometimes I get quiet and my heart is heavy and somber and full with the weight of the reality of sin and death and how it crumbles and breaks people who seem to deserve more, better. Then he sits quiet with me, and let's me be sad. Sometimes I'm crazy and I back the car into the neighbors fence or I lose things like the Apple TV remote (which has been missing for over two weeks and I'm pretty sure I threw it away). He laughs with me as I chuckle at myself, always. Sometimes I'm sassy and grumpy, and even then he wraps his arms around me from behind and holds me still until I smile. And I always smile.

So I feel convicted about scripture memory, and I'm reading blogs and skimming articles when I come across this post. And it  challenges me with this scripture memory project. And so I open the Word that is the only Word, that is life and strength and food for my soul. I open it to Romans 8 and I begin with verse one.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

And I feel His face turn toward me and His grace wash over me.

Grace.

I have made poor choices, and Sam knows. I have chosen wrong, I have  played on the devils playground too many times in my life, long before I even knew him who will be my husband. And he knows this, because he knows me.. All of me. And yet, even at my worst, when I disappoint him with my words or with my actions, when I fail at building him up, when the ugly parts of me show and he realizes I am not all good all the time, even then he turns his face toward me and his eyes show love and his hands are gentle and he pours out favor I do not deserve. 

Grace.

He looks at me as though I could do nothing wrong, even though he knows my flesh. When I finally get to see my Savior face to face, I will feel ashamed of my sin, but I know He will see me only as one made perfect by the blood of the Lamb. I imagine that the way He will look at me, showing only grace, will be so much like the way that my fiancé looks at me on a daily basis. I see Jesus in him, and I feel Jesus in the way he loves me, unconditionally.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

 Grace.

delilah moves [again].

Let me preface this post with this: Sam loves Delilah more than I do. I like her, sure. But he really likes her.

As I mentioned before, we bought a house that Sam is now living in. An estimated 95% of my time is spent either at work, at church, or at the new house. I literally only go to my apartment to sleep at night. Therfore, we felt it only fair that Delilah go ahead and make the transition to her new home so she's not so lonely. Also let me say, the move was Sam's idea.

It began with a traumatic night of me trying to stuff her in her cat carrier tha she rode 14 hrs in when we moved to Texas [I think she remembered it too well], and ended with us both sitting in the floor of the apartment for a good 30 minutes, her giving me the "go to you-know-where" stare from across the room and licking her paws in satisfaction, me nursing a deep scratch on my right middle finger which was the final straw that forced me to give up and let her ride in the car without the carrier.

I drove her over, set up the litter box, food, and water, and let her get settled. She walked around for a few hours meowing extensively, but finally got familiar with it and found her place snuggled in at the foot of Sam's bed. After that, she's been right at home! I wanted to tell you a couple of my favorite Sam and Delilah stories so far.

After the first night of her staying there with him, he called me at 8:00 the next morning. I said, in my sweetest you-definitely-woke-me-up-before-my-alarm-but-I-still-love-you fiancé voice, "Good morning, babe. How'd you sleep?" His response: "Fine. Delilah didn't sleep with me like you said she would. I don't know where she slept. And we are going to have to get rid of the bell on her collar. At 7 this morning she was jumping on the bed, jumping down, running in the living room, jumping on the couches. The bell was just ring ring ringing and it's going to drive me insane if we don't get rid of it." I died laughing.

A few mornings later I got off work at 7ish and called Sam on my drive to the house to see him for a few minutes before he was off to work for the day. "Good morning!" I exclaimed in my I've-been-up-for-14-hours-voice. "Morning." He replied in his best you-definitely-woke-me-up-before-my-alarm-but-I-still-love-you fiancé voice. "Something's wrong with Delilah. She was in here on the bed crying early this morning before I could even get out of bed and use the bathroom. And she was scratching on her scratchpad in the middle of the night! You're gonna have to have a talk with her." I arrived at the house 30 minutes later where Delilah met me at the door screaming. I picked her up and loved her for a minute, then proceeded to the kitchen where Sam was having his morning bowl of cereal. He gave me a cheerio kiss and I turned to see Delilah right on my heels. I glanced past her at her food and water bowls which were both bone dry. "No wonder she's crying Sam! She's starving and dying of thirst!" He felt horrible, and apologized to her repeatedly for not filling her bowls. I stood in the doorway and listened to him explain, "Kitty, I'm sorry I didn't feed you. I've never had a cat I had to take care of by myself before. I'll do better." I died laughing, again.

And finally, the chair incident. We spent two hours in Ikea looking for things to make the new house feel more like a home. We came away with a rug and coffee table, and Sam picked a new computer chair for the office. He sat in tons of chairs, rolled around, tested the head rests, and finally made a decision. We brought it all home and he spent the whole evening putting everything together. The chair looks great in the office, perfect height for someone who's torso is longer than my legs. The next evening I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he went into the office to look over sermon notes for the coming Sunday. Soon after, his voice boomed through the house, "OH MY GOSH. CHELSEY, YOUR CAT!!!!" [of course, now she's my  cat, when she's done something wrong]. I made my way to the office, expecting to find some poop in the floor or pee on a blanket or something. I rounded the corner to see Sam standing over the new chair, tenderly caressing the seat cushion. I approached to find multiple claw marks where Delilah had used the fresh new cushion to sharpen her nails. He stood over the chair in apparent disbelief, and I patted him on the back and said "Get ready dear. Cats, dogs, kids, me... this is the way it's gonna be. Welcome to your life."

He's a good sport, Sam. I think I'll marry him. <3