sadness: necessary

I must tell you before you read this that tonight I am fighting a cloud of sadness that seems to be looming over my head. Many things are contributing to this cloud and filling it with sad rain, but the tears don't seem to be helping to get rid of it so maybe sharing my thoughts and emotions with you will. I want to make a list of things that are making me sad at this very moment:

• I am doing a clinical rotation for nursing school on an post surgery/oncology floor, and yesterday I had several patients who's lives have literally been turned upside down by a diagnosis of cancer. Most all the patients and their families feel so overwhelmingly out of control that it is painful to watch them even just as they sit and watch tv together.
• A sweet friend who I never got the chance to meet passed away this afternoon. Jean Michel was 16 years old and came here from Haiti this week to have a heart surgery that he would have died without. However, went in to surgery this morning and was not strong enough to make it through. The Lord took him home today! You can see pictures and read more here
• I just got finished reading updates on a blog that I follow about a young family whose daughter has cancer. It is heartbreaking to see how it effects every aspect of their lives. Lucy's Story is definitely worth reading.
• I went to a Good Friday service at Calvary Baptist tonight to remember the sacrifice that was made for all people 2011 years ago. God is so good to remind me of things that I have not noticed in a while, or things that I ignore. He did that tonight, and it makes me sad. I will elaborate below but I'm tired of these bullets so I want to start a new paragraph. 

Anyway.. it was an interactive service in which different people read an account of the events that took place in the 24 hours leading up to the dead of Christ. All my life I have heard the Easter story, and I have always been most effected thinking about the physical pain that Christ endured for me. As a quick recap, lets recall that he was punched and slapped (Matt 26:67), crowned with thorns (Matt 27:29), hit on the head (Matt 27:30), beaten with a whip (John 19:1), pierced in the side (John 19:34), and finally crucified (Mark 15:24). To think of all of these things together and lump them as "the death of Christ" is just not giving the complete picture. To think of these things individually and visualize what Jesus was actually going through is heartbreaking.

However, I think that most people would agree that no matter how painful physical pain may be, sometimes emotional pain is still worse. I know for me I would choose physical hurt over emotional any day. My feelings are tender and matters of the heart cut my much deeper than a physical ailment. I think this is true for most people, at least until they are hurt so many times that they become numb (which is an even sadder situation). As we learn in Hebrews 4:15 ("For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin."), Jesus had human emotions just like our own. Thinking about this led me to the heartbreaking reality of the emotional pain that Jesus suffered for me, a kind of pain that may have hurt Him more than any physical act inflicted on Him.

The various instances of emotional suffering that Christ endured include blatant betrayal by Judas, one of His 12 best friends (Matt 26:16), denial by Peter, another one of His 12 best friends (Matt 26:75), having a murderer's life be more respected than His own (Matt 27:21), being stripped of his clothes in front of people (Matt 27:28), being made to wear a royal robe and soldiers bowing before Him in mockery (Mark 15:19), being spit on (Matt 27:30), and mockery to 'save Himself' while He hung on the cross (Mark 15:31). I know that is a lot of scripture references, but they are all so intricate. To think of all of these things together and lump them as "the suffering of Christ" is just not giving the complete picture. To think of these things individually and visualize what Jesus was actually going through is heartbreaking.

[Lord, We are so unworthy, but You suffered and died for us anyway. We deserve nothing, yet You gave us everything. I don't want to take the pain that You endured lightly any more. Remind me DAILY of how much You hurt that day Jesus, and how much You hurt each time I renail You to the tree when I betray You or deny You or choose something else over You or embarrass You or mock You for who You are.  Forgive me Lord, and make me more like You. Let every person reading this blog be heartbroken over the sacrifice You made for us, that they may all believe and be changed after knowing how much You love us. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross to save me!]